Sorry

I disappeared again. I got very very depressed this month. I've gained 20lbs from the Seroquel, and from what I've read online you can't really loose the weight until you are off of it. I hate it so much. I have a med review tomorrow and I want them to take me off Seroquel so badly.

I have also started a group therapy program that will last the rest of the summer. It's only once a week, and I've had 3 sessions so far and well I haven't learned anything from it. I'm only going because I haven't been given any other help and if I refuse this it may keep me from getting the help that will actually help me as I would look non-complient if I did not go.

I don't like change!

Read the title in Stewie Griffin's voice. Seriously, I disappear for a month and blogger gets all different and weird. :|

I didn't mean to disappear. I just got massively depressed and fat over the course of April. Seroquel caused me to gain 20lbs. Today I am 137lbs. I will loose those 20lbs this month. I refuse to be this size again.

Right now things are in flux. I'm working 2-3 part days a week (about 4 hour shifts) at the daycare. Still haven't been cleared to work at the grocery store. As my doctor, my therapist, and my psych nurse keep reminding me, I'm adjusting to anti-psychotics and recovering from a suicide attempt, I need time to adjust. I just want to get back to real life. My doctor is thinking of increasing my seroquel, my psych nurse wants it lowered. The thing is they don't agree on a diagnosis so they don't agree on treatment. Ugh.

I've binged and purged twice today, and I'll do it at least one more time (as I'm binging and typing right now, go multitasking). I can't keep binging and not purging it. It has caused me to gain 20lbs. Fucking hell.

I have no plan. I'm sure since I'm now requiring myself to purge after a binge I will slow down. I hate purging. I hate it. It's so addictive and releasing. In a few days I will be back to 900 calories a day. I have to eat myself back down. I will get this off. I need to start excerising again. I have no strenght or stamina so I'm starting from square one again. The thought of exercising right now makes me tiered. Not good.

I don't know what to do

Really and honestly I don't. I can't seem to restrict, I only seem to gain weight (I was 125lbs this am). I ate like crap yesterday, and today isn't shaping up to be that great either. I need to eat my way back down to 900 a day.

I have nothing else to add. I had intended to write out a long post but I have apparently lost the words.

New Month Starts Tomorrow

I've been binging for the past few days. But it stops tonight because tomorrow is a new month and a new start. I'm going to make sure to sleep until noon (which I do anyways, thanks Seroquel) as I hate pranks.

No plan, no announcements of how I'm going to do it this time. Just going to do it, because I have to.

Sigh

Again I'm not going to look at my weight until Sunday. I just can't stand seeing the up and down. Today I weighed 6lbs heavier than yesterday. Not good for my sanity. Lead to me binging today.

To clarify what I exercise machine I bought, it's a mini stepper, I don't know why I insist on calling it a climber. Part of me thinks that is what my Mom calls them. Or the fact that I'm a total blonde.

I've been using my tumblr a lot, I mostly just reblog, and it will never replace this blog, but ya'll should follow me: http://esotericgravity.tumblr.com/, I follow everyone back.

Other than that I have no other news. Wow, my life is boring. :D

Boost Day

That is what I decided today is. And probably tomorrow too. I'm eating a more to hopefully trick my body into thinking I'm not starving. The thought of putting on weight terrifies me so I'm not checking my scale in the morning. I don't think I can handle more than two days doing this though. It feels too bingey for me.

I haven't written anything today, which is what I needed. I was getting too many thoughts all at once, today I mostly was sorting through them. I plotted out the first part of the story (the first arch so to speak) and now just filling in the details. I'm still uber excited about it though.

I didn't end up getting the exercise bike, but I did buy a stair climber. Got it for 30% off too. Dad says he will give me half the money for it too. Which he doesn't need to do, but hey, that is great. It's all set up in the living room now. I have lost all conditioning that I had prior to my suicide attempt. Speaking of that, I need to call my gym. They have the wrong financial information for me and I haven't been paying my dues. They also haven't called me. Dad thinks it's because they called me one day when I was in the hospital and I told them I was there, and they apologized. They may have put my account on hold or whatever its called when someone can't come in for medical reasons. I hope so.

My creativity is back

I used to write. I never really shared my writing with people, though I did post some poetry I did online and got positive reviews. My mother sometimes wouldn't believe I actually wrote something, and the few people I actually allowed to read my writing all said it was good. I lost that 5 or 6 years ago. I've come up with ideas for stories/poems/novels, but never had the ability to get them onto the page. Mental illness has robbed that from me. But the other day I was struck with an idea for a novel, and frankly it is consuming all of my thoughts in a way no idea ever has. So I'm actually writing it. I doubt it will ever see the light of day, but I'm happy to have stolen this back. Take that insanity.

In other news my metabolism is fucked. I'm maintaining on 900 calories a day. Makes me want to scream.