Quick update

I'm at university right now, my first class was cancelled (boo I could have slept in), and sleeping in would have been nice since I didn't get home until midnight (the boyfriend and I saw Inception in IMAX, awesome) then the boyfriend wanted to watch another movie, but I picked the show Fawlty Towers so we could just watch it on my laptop in bed and if I fell asleep it wasn't like I was missing much.

Yesterday I did not count calories since it was a big date night and I kinda let myself binge in the morning since I was basically a huge bitch from not eating and having a severe cause of the shakes and dizziness.

I ate:
-3 homemade pizza buns
-Green Onion Cakes and whatever the sauce was that came with them
-Stir Fry with Tofu, portabella mushrooms, green onions, snap peas, green peppers, terryaki sauce and a bit of rice
-1 Alexander Keith's Lite Ale
-1 Large Diet Coke
-Most of a large bag of popcorn
-Candy

I also didn't go to the gym since I was feeling so bad and my feet are pretty torn up right now (little cuts, blisters) but I will be back today since all the crap I ate yesterday has given me energy. It's also put me up to 121.2lbs but (TMI time) I haven't pooped in several days either.

So I'll probably do a proper update tonight with today's intake (as of right now it's nothing), exercise total, and what not. Also I will comment on everyones blog then. If you are following me and I haven't followed your blog yet, let me know, I sometimes miss them, and I would love to read them. Even though I don't comment on every entry I promise I do read everything.

I'm so hungry I could cry

Today I decided to allow myself up to 750 calories. Why? Because I woke up this morning and could not get out of bed. I was shaking and nauseous and very very dizzy. It took all my strength and a good 40 minutes to gather myself together and trudge to the scale. 120.2lbs. Wow a measly 0.4lbs down from yesterday. That seemed worth it. I then trudged myself to the kitchen and got this little box of cereal I took from the hotel last weekend and ate that (80 cals + 30 for sugar). Then I trudged myself to the grocery store and bought 2 small potatoes.

Also as a note, when I list things like milk or butter or gravy, they are all always vegan substitutes. I just get annoyed having to write out vegan this or vegan that, as I just think of them as butter, milk, gravy and the regular stuff does not register to me as food.

So today food wise went:
weight @ 9:40am- 120.2lb
breakfast @ 10:00am- dry cereal 80 cals + cane sugar 30 cals
lunch @ 12:45pm- mashed potatoes 168 cals + butter 5 cals + garlic 6 cals + sour cream 60 cals + potato fixings 25 cals
supper @ 5:10pm- hash browns 168 cals + pam 24ish cals + 1/4 cup gravy 104 cals
Total: 682 cals

I eased up on the exercise today, since I keep getting the shakes.
Exercise:
Treadmill for half and hour- 146 cals
Leg Press- 5 sets of 10 each at 45lbs
Inner Thigh- 3 sets of 10 each at 45lbs
Outer Thigh- 3 sets of 10 each at 45lbs
Total: 146 cals (though I should probably figure out a guesstimate with the weight training, but I tend to only count cardio)

Net: 536 cals

My roommate just left for the evening, I'm so tempted to binge and purge. I'm planning on what it could be on. I could do it multiple times. I don't want to give into it though. I really don't. But part of me wants it so badly that it's getting hard to ignore. It's been over a week, part of me is saying do it just today, come on you've already eaten this much, do it. You're a fat fuck you might as well eat.

Also I've decided that when I loose 10lbs I will post a photo of myself. Maybe even with my face, but probably somehow cleverly covered.

Bring it On

I'm watching that movie right now. I love mindless shit like this.

Also a big Hello to my new followers! Hopefully I am interesting enough for y'all to stick around.

Worked today, then went to the gym. I could barely move at the gym today. I had lunch at 1200, then didn't get to the gym until 330 so I think it was just a bit to long since I ate. I had to drag myself back up the stairs from the change room, then the walk to the bus stop that normally takes me oh 3 minutes, took me about 10.

Intake for today:
weight @ 820 am- 120.6lbs
breakfast @ 830 am- rice cake 31 cals + peanut butter 100 cals (I felt I needed the protein)
lunch @ 1200 pm- 1 cup tomato soup 80 cals
supper @ 540 pm- 1/2 cup rice (flavoured with olive oil, garlic and some wild rice, it's a premade mix) 130 cals
treat @ 800 pm- diet coke (not counting the like 2 calories in it)
Total - 341 cals

Exercise for today:
30 minutes on the treadmill- 200 cals
15 minutes on the bike- 83 cals
+ 5 sets of 10 on the leg press on 45lbs
Total burned: 283 cals

Net Calories: 58 cals

Not bad. I still feel shitty about it though. I've been craving french fries the past two days, so tomorrow I plan on going to the grocery store and buying one of those lone baking potatoes and having that, maybe with a bit of gravy.

Sleep...Need Sleep

I slept on the couch last night because I was too exhausted to clean my bed off. I feel so rundown and I know a major part of it is the restricting, though my life has been busy these past few weeks. I, unlike a normal healthy person, can't work more than 30 hours a week without feeling like death warmed over, let alone add any type of social life on top of it. It fucking sucks. I'm more capable now than I was even a year ago, but it still pisses me off that regular everyday life drains me so much. Depression sucks. Even though I don't feel depressed all the time now, I still have all the lovely physical symptoms. A few months back I was even given uppers by my doctor to fight how tiered I feel all the time (and I had lovely heart palpitations which we figured was from my anxiety) but they kept me up late and I never got any sleep (since I'm up at 6 am pretty much everyday).

I couldn't get to the gym today, as I had to make dinner for a woman from work whose child recently died (we volunteered to cook for her and husband for the next month or so so they don't have to worry about it). It took me longer to get ready to leave the apartment this morning to grocery shop, so by the time it was done I had to get ready for work. I would have gone after work, but that depended on me getting the bus like 4 minutes after I was off and then only having about an hour in the gym, if nothing was delayed. And that's not how our metro transit system likes to work.

Ended up having my Dad pick me up from work as I somehow left all my deodorant at his house, then he was going to drive me to the bridge terminal but I told him I needed cat litter soon, and since we buy it from Costco, he went there instead (looking for binoculars). Then we ended up at Canadian Tire, and I didn't get home till almost 8. Managed to get a load of laundry on so I have been a bit productive today. I was going to clean my room tomorrow but got a call from work about working tomorrow and since I have no scheduled shifts on the horizon I took it, even though the thought of working makes me want to cry.

I did well today with restricting
Weight @ 730 am-121.6lbs
Breakfast @ 855 am-rice noodles 192 cals
Lunch @ 1120am-apple crisp granola bar 85 cals
Supper @ 840pm-apple crisp granola bar 85 cals
Total- 362 cals

Not bad. I would have liked to have added some exercise on top of it, but hey, I would never be satisfied even if I did.

I'm exhausted.

Seriously this day has taken a lot out of me. Got up at 7 so I could shower and do my hair before class. I was going to try to get in early but I got distracted by reading. And then spending 30 minutes trying to perfect my outfit. I did manage to join the gym (and exercise today) which is a plus. And classes will probably be good but I think my professors might annoy me. I'm still undecided on how it will go. Ran into my Prof that I have gotten close too. She told me I've gotten so skinny. I had to hide a smile.

Also ordered in some diet pills and got them today. Yay.

I'm still undecided about exactly how I'm going to restrict (IE if I'm going to do a known diet, make one up for myself, how strict/many the rules will be) but here was my day:

Weight @ 7:00 am- 122.6lbs
Breakfast @ 9:10 am- cereal 25cals
Lunch @ 11:55 am- Cliff Bar 250 cals
Supper @ 3:30-4:10pm (I made these two things about 20 minutes apart)- field roast 200cals + rice noodles 192 cals
Gum @ 4:40- 5 cals
Total: 672 cals

Not bad I guess. I was hoping to only have the field roast for supper, but I was famished after my workout. I did 31 minutes on the treadmill (212 cals) and 15 minutes on the cross trainer (125 cals). I also did some leg lifts and crunches. Burned 337 cals, so a net calorie day of 335 cals. Not too impressed, but I need to get my cardio endurance up before I can burn more. I tend to push myself to hard and injure myself and then not be able to work out for months.

Need a new plan

I feel fat. Gross and fat. Let myself relax on the weekend to throw my mother off the scent (she kept going on about how much weight I've lost, and how good I look, etc). Didn't want to seem suspicious.

Then Monday the parental units met the boyfriend for the first time. So it was stressful and I allowed myself to eat during the course of the day because that is what people seem to do when they meet others.

I decided to say fuck it all and start a new plan once I was back at my own apartment, which is today, but since I started the day at my Dads, tomorrow, which is also my first day of classes, is day one. I'm not sure of my exact rules yet, but I know that I will defiantly have to start writing down every morsel of food that even goes near my mouth. Too much mindless extras. I'm going to work out the details tomorrow.

As for life I'm thinking of getting a second job, as I have no money. Well I have barely enough to cover the essentials and every few months I need to ask a parental unit for money and frankly that's just so disheartening at 25. I may just apply to the grocery store that is about 2 minutes from my apartment. Work a few evenings a week to just help out with the bills and having extra money. I want to visit a friend in Boston for a long weekend sometime, but I just can't save any money with my one job. But then again, I have no free time as it is anyways. I'm always on the go. I may give it a shot for a month or so then decide to quit if it sucks to hard.

Ugh my stomach hurts

My mother is in town visiting, so we are staying at a hotel. It's a staycation for me. My stomach is so full though. I had breakfast (cereal w/o milk, two pieces of toast with jam, and some strawberries, and apple juice) and lunch (sweet potato fries and sauteed mushrooms and onions) and I'm stuffed. It seems like entirely too much food, but I know that the average person eats more. I just don't get how people do it. Can't purge. Though I'll probably take laxatives tonight and wake up at 4 am with the horrible stomach pains and awful shits.

Got a massage this morning. I defiantly needed it. Then Mom and I went swimming. We are currently digesting lunch and going to the gym here for at least an hour, so I'm trying to not freak out too much about the food.

My Mom keeps saying that I've gotten skinny, but I don't see it. I now can kinda see that I'm smaller, but I weigh pretty much what I did the last time she saw me, but I think it has redistributed a bit.

And hello to my new followers. Monday/Tuesday I'll be able to catch up with everyone and say hello.