Good Day All

I know a few of you are doing this diet, and I thought I wouldn't be able to try it for a week or so, but today is as good as any to try. Tomorrow will be hard and the BF is off work and we want to try this Caribbean restaurant but I'm going to limit myself to veggies/liquids for the rest of the day. It's also hard for me not to count veggies, so I'm probably going to do a without veggies count and a with veggies count.

I have been walking a bit more, which is nice. But my weight is stubborn and staying the same/going up and down 3lbs. It's bothering me so much.

On my vacation my Mom wants me to make her all sorts of healthy food as she's gained weight recently and can't seem to take it off. So that's a bonus. I know I'll probably end up falling off this diet then, but I'm going to stick with it as a guideline for those 2 and a half weeks. 

Not much else going on really. I get up, I generally walk to the grocery store to buy whatever we need that day, come home, sit on the Internet. Call my Dad. Or visit him. Come home, watch TV. Rinse, Repeat. It's a very boring life. I'm one of those weirdos who actually likes to work. My family is full of them. None of my Dads siblings have stayed retired for long (post got other jobs, or travel a lot or have a full time hobby) and my Mom is the same way. It's not relaxing to do nothing. Though all we want to do is sit around and do nothing we don't like it when it becomes a reality. We are freaks I tell you. FREAKS.

Okay Now that I have the time...

It's time to actually loose weight. Shocking I know. I mean, I literally have nothing else to do (not allowed to work until I'm sane again, which who knows when that will be). I can at minimum go for walks everyday for hours. I just haven't been. The crazy makes it hard for me to leave my apartment (and once I'm out I don't want to go back). Even if I'm here I still need to actually clean it and organize it, which will be a workout in and of itself.

My Dad has told me that when I get back from my vacation he's going to buy me a yoga pass since I enjoy doing it and it relaxes me. Which will be nice. On vacation in Phoenix I'll have access to the gym and pool everyday which I plan on using. In Ottawa I know my moms complex has a gym too (and a salt water pool), so I'll try to go there if it doesn't freak me out too much.

I was 118.6lbs yesterday which is my official weight for the week. I'm up today because of the shear amount of food I ate yesterday. I was going to fast today until my BF came home but I ate the rest of a bag of chips I had open (only about a handful in total, but it pisses me off that I did it). I'm seriously tempted by some veggie dumplings I have in the fridge but I'm going to wait until he gets home. I bought some tofutti ice cream thingies yesterday that are 30 cals each (but left them at my dads) but I'm going to get some for my apartment too. I will allow myself to eat them during the day if I desperately need something, but my plan is to only eat with others right now. No point in eating if no one is around to see it.

100th Post and feeling Saner

...well a bit saner. Thank you for the well wishes. I've seemed to have leveled out over the past few days. I more than likely had a manic or hypo manic break caused by anti-depressants I was on for my anxiety. Right now I'm just taking ativan to control the anxiety and rage attacks that I get.

I'm officially off work from both my jobs. I've just been allowed to stay by myself since Thursday though I still get everyone calling me to check up on me (even the boyfriends mother). After my last post I had a major SI episode and my legs, left arm and chest were cut and are now scaring. I'm okay with it.

I've been b/ping a lot lately as a way to hurt myself. I have to keep a log for my mental health worker about my SI urges and I'm unsure if I should include B/P urges in them, as I do use them as a way to injure myself. Due to mixed up schedules I won't see a psych until the end of July, but I am finally getting my Phoenix vacation at the beginning of July, then a week at my mothers. I may then go on a little vacation with my Dad, then in August my own vacation. I will probably be back to work around then, but I may wait to see as I think my doctor wants me medicated before I go back to work, but that won't happen before his note is up.

My weight is staying somewhat consistent, but all my trying at restricting tend to fail due to the B/P urges. So it's better than gaining. I need to find my diet pills, I can't find where I packed them from when I moved. I'm sure I'll find them sometime soon. I have nothing else to do but hang out in my apartment or shop. Which I'm doing way to much lately. Spending money I don't have, but my parents keep covering for me since I "deserve" it. I'm buying shit I don't even need or like all that much. Oh well.

I hope to get around to reading everyones blogs again over the next few days. I feel like I've missed so much! I love and miss you all.


Also the nerd in me is loving this summer movie season, and I feel the need to share this:

I, along with the rest of the opening day crowd, clapped and cheered at this scene. /hardcore nerd.

quick update

I have no Internet at home right now.

Ended up in the ER on Friday night because I'm literally going crazy. I have a emergency referral to a psychiatrist but it may take two weeks. None of this is  ED based. I attacked my leg with knifes the other day, and have reoccurring thoughts of slicing my neck. No active Suicide plan, but I admit that some have been forming.

I haven't been working, and I don't think I can for awhile. I don't trust myself to be left alone so my boyfriend and Dad have been taking turns. I'm unsure how willing they will be wanting to do that for.

I'm on my period but I weigh 117lbs. It needs to get lower.

If I die it will finally go low enough.

I'm alive, and I miss you all so much

I'm mostly staying at my boyfriends house these days since I'm working so much and going to university. He doesn't have internet access (or cable). We are moving in together next week, and will be setting up the internet/cable to coincide with that move, so I will be back more then.

Things have been difficult lately. I'm back on medication for anxiety, though it may be changed if my doctor sends me to get tested for bipolar disorder. Which he implied that is what he thinks I have.

I gained 10lbs, but have lost 7 again, so who knows what I'll be next week. I just need to be 110 before July. New doable goal, I think.

I love and miss you all.

xoxo

Hoppy Easter

...or whatever.

I'm doing okay so far today. I did eat a few Swedish berries, for which I am a fiend, and typically would have a large bag gone in about 4 minutes. So that's a good thing. Dad bought me TONS of candy. AHHH. Also just made the stuffing, using an entire tub of earth balance, about half a loaf of bread and two stalks of celery. I made it early cause we are having so many little things that I want to get a few things done. I had a few sample bites while cooking. Feel fat because of it. Not eating until about 530 or 600 tonight. No meals Kandie. Remember that. Next I'm going to make my 'meat' side dish (beefless tips with onions and mushrooms).

Dad's scale weighed me in at 116 yesterday afternoon and about 117 this morning. Which was weird as I had a horrible bread craving after work yesterday and probably ate about 800 calories of bread with butter and vegan cheese when I got home. Disgusting, I know.

Tomorrow starts the SGD, which will kill me, as I know dinner tonight I will go into BINGE TIME NOAZ mode. And stretch my stomach out. Hunger pains for me tomorrow.

I called the gym, and I do have to pay. The summer term doesn't start till May 1st, so I won't be able to go next week. Alas. I will go when I come home from a funeral next weekend, or Monday, pay and work my ass off. UGH. I need to call my boss on Monday, as I asked for next weekend off (for a funeral) 3 weeks ago, confirmed with her last week, and she still booked me in. It was crazy yesterday at work, told her about the issue, and decided to deal with it on Monday when she wasn't completely frazzled and trying to control chaos (oh my god! the grocery store was closed yesterday and will be closed tomorrow, I need to shop! AHHH! Why weren't you opened yesterday? Why are you guys closed tomorrow? Duh, dumbasss customers, they are stat holidays. We have to be closed or they pay us way to much to be there, and since they are a cheap huge company, they chose to close), I figured not harping the issue would get me brownie points. A few people said they'd take my shift for me if I couldn't get it changed, but I want her to deal with it. It's a funeral. I didn't ask for it off for shits and giggles. AND SHE TOLD ME IT WOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM. They ALWAYS fuck up my time off requests. ALWAYS. I will not let this be an excuse to binge in frustration.

The hardest part is the waiting

Seriously I'd love to just start SGD right now. But I know it's best to wait till monday. I did well yesterday with no food until supper. But we went out to dinner and I probably had 1000 calories. But hey, we would have went out to dinner anyways so not eating during the day helped.

My Dads scale says 119lbs this morning. I don't trust it. It's analog and they lie.

I've had 300 calories today, and will probably allow myself 400 for supper (though if it comes in less, then good for me). I need to get some protein into me. I find when I eat more protein that definatly eat less. It really stops the binges. I haven't been getting a lot lately, which makes the urges to eat worse. So definatly at supper time I'm eating protein. I might eat some beefless tips or mock chicken fingers. All depends on what I plan on having on the side. I'm so indecisve.

I still haven't found a bathing suit I like. One piece or two. I really need to get on that.