Le sigh

No weight loss to report. Eating 900-1100 calories a day and I maintain within a 1lb fluctuation. I was hoping it would work. I really was.

New plan:
Eat one meal a day, whenever the boyfriend is around. No eating otherwise. If starving, a banana is safe. As is one cup of apple juice or a box of soy milk. That's it. If I need to snack with the boyfriend, I can have a banana or two rice cakes. I can't take much more of this.

I also may have broken my toe today (dropped a can of apple juice on it). I hope its not, as I need to keep up with my exercise routine. It's only been two weeks, that is not long enough to form a habit. If it is broken, I'll probably do 30 minutes on the bike plus some floor exercises till it heals enough to go back to the treadmill and weight machines. Oh well, time to adapt, not use it as an excuse to binge and purge all day long. Which is so tempting.

One more day till d-day

And I find out my weight. Well I peeked today, but that doesn't count.

Thank you to both miss alisha and Skeleton Strong for the welcomes back. Skeleton Strong-they suspect bipolar disorder but I haven't been diagnosed yet. The stupid people at community mental health said I have personality disorder not otherwise specified and that I don't need any more help. My doctor and therapist think they are quacks. My therapist wants to refer me to the mood clinic so I'm going to ask my doctor next week to refer me there. Then we should know either way. I'm on abilify because of my delusions and hallucinations, which could mean bipolar. I happen to think that that is what is wrong, as does most people around me.

I spent an hour at the gym yesterday, man I feel really out of shape. I exercised hard in the beginning of the summer and I have slipped so far since then. I could feel my ass jiggling as I ran. EEP. Well I'm going to the gym for a minimum of 3 days a week, and if I can I will try to go at least one other day. Right now I can't afford the learn to run clinic (my mom was teaching me, she is a marathon runner, but I just don't seem to run like she does, plus she lives in another city). I hope to save up for it. Possibly for November.

I feel so much clear headed than I have in ages. I think it's because of the meds. I have been doing really well sticking to my 900 cals a day. I really want to do a juice fast or liquid only fast sometime soon. I just need to come up with a convincing reason for the boyfriend. Perhaps if I explain it as some sort of detox...I'm sure I'll come up with something.

Wow it's been awhile

...sorry, I didn't mean to disappear. I hate when I do that. So Hi! Anyone remember me?

I basically lost my shit again in August, though this time it was depression, not mania. Just wanted to die, and thus did nothing of great significance. I ate a lot. It's going slowly. I'm back to work and school, though I have to keep regular sleep hours. My doctor has me on a antipyscotic, which has a side effect of weight gain.

I've been eating normally or binging for a month, so my plan is to eat my way back down. 900 calories a day is my aim (or under) right now. In a week I'll reassess. I refuse to get on the scale again until Sunday. Tomorrow I join the gym and will go all 3 days of the week that I'm at university. Plus some other daily exercises. Once I get my bills caught up again, I'm going to look into some activity that gets me moving. I may do a 'learn to run' course, but that would involve my mom paying for some actual good runners. She did say she'd do that, but that was a month ago and I never got the money.

My boyfriend is back to working nights!

Which is great for me, as I can skip our typical two evening "meals" (He tends to make supper, then a huge snack later on). I feel horrible. I've been in a b/p cycle for the past few weeks. I did have a dentist appointment this am and luckily everything was okay, but my teeth are still really sensitive and my gums bleed easily, but no other real serious damage.

I'm going on a road trip this weekend, but I will be back on Monday with a real update and plan for loosing. I fucking hate being this big.

I know I'm getting old

when I'm disgusted by the fact that everyone on facebook is mourning Amy Winehouse and yet virtually no one is talking about the SLAUGHTER of innocent people in Norway. Or the fact that Somali militants are still keeping vital aid from reaching starving people. Or the conflict and possible ethnic cleansing happening in Lybia. Maybe I need to give up on humanity. Yes, it's sad that a person is dead, but you know what? Her death wasn't caused by a conflict or social issue that anyone but her could have helped. I'm not saying she deserved to die, I'm not speculating on how she died exactly, but her death should not overwrite real issues. Then again, I don't believe in worshiping the cult of celebrity. I read an article recently by a woman who called on people to stop paying attention to celebrities and pseudo celebrities, because it just takes up space in your mind and time away from paying attention to real issues. Who someone is dating is not a real issue. The fact that female genital mutilation happens is a real issue.

If you can't tell, I'm passionate about human rights and international politics. I'm considering interning at the UN once I graduate. I'm considering joining various human rights organizations or international diplomatic programs (I'm a very good candidate and have been told by various people who do those jobs that I'm right for it). I get very agitated when 'celebrity' news pushes real news stories to the sideline. I was very happy yesterday to turn on CNN and see that they were actually talking about the US debt crisis and not speculating on how some poor woman died just because she was a celebrity (CTV news here in Canada was dedicating time to it). I'm sure eventually it changed to focus more on that, because God, does anyone remember how much useless time was spent on Anna Nicole Smith? Or Micheal Jackson?

In Eating Disorder News: I've been binging, and yesterday was spent binging and purging. Today so far has been spent trying not to start a B/P session today, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail. I did loose a bit from yesterday though, through dehydration and laxatives I'm sure.

I'm too old and too fat for all of this.

Seriously. I'm 26. Logically I know I'm not fat anymore. But I feel fat. I look fat to myself in the mirror. I feel ridiculous that I'm this old and this far gone.

I'm still fat for my birthday. So I'm posting some pictures. Hopefully next year I'll look more like these on my birthday than the whale that I feel that I am.

Still no scale...

...but I've lost a bit more in the measurements. Not a lot (like 1/4" of an inch off my waist and an 1" off my hips since the beginning of July), but if I'm loosing some inches I need to be loosing weight, right? Because right now I'm convinced I've gained about 10lbs. I feel 10lbs heavier.

I did a P90X workout yesterday and my body is swore today. I want to work out again today, but I don't think my body is going to let me. I've had a headache for 3 fucking days now which isn't going away despite what I'm doing/eating/medicine. And I'm so swore. So I think my body is saying, enough is enough and give me an exercise break. So I think I will listen. I may ask Mom to go for a walk tonight, or maybe a swim. That would make me feel better.

I'm actually not freaking out over my birthday this year. I am really not accepting that tomorrow I'll be 26. But I'm also not around a million people asking me what I want to do. Mom is working tomorrow morning, but will be there tomorrow afternoon because people are coming to clean the furnace. I don't think she plans to take me out to supper, then the only thing I asked to do is Harry Potter (we are seeing it at 7). She had to move her birthday surprise for me to Saturday since I asked to see the movie, so we are getting massages Saturday afternoon. Then we have to go to my aunts house, because my cousin and I share the same birthday and they want to do something together (my cousin is 14 years younger than me). Of course they asked to do something the day off, but I told mom a month ago that I did not want to spend my birthday with them. I love them, but my cousins behaviour really grinds my gears, though I do see an improvement. I just find being around them really overwhelming right now too.

I think the mania is starting back up again. It started like this two months ago (a little oversleeping in the morning, a constant headache, not being able to fall asleep, plus I'm hallucinating again for the past 3 days or so). I do hope when I get home I can get my doctor to extend my medical leave. I'm not ready to go back to work again.