Sorry

I disappeared again. I got very very depressed this month. I've gained 20lbs from the Seroquel, and from what I've read online you can't really loose the weight until you are off of it. I hate it so much. I have a med review tomorrow and I want them to take me off Seroquel so badly.

I have also started a group therapy program that will last the rest of the summer. It's only once a week, and I've had 3 sessions so far and well I haven't learned anything from it. I'm only going because I haven't been given any other help and if I refuse this it may keep me from getting the help that will actually help me as I would look non-complient if I did not go.

I don't like change!

Read the title in Stewie Griffin's voice. Seriously, I disappear for a month and blogger gets all different and weird. :|

I didn't mean to disappear. I just got massively depressed and fat over the course of April. Seroquel caused me to gain 20lbs. Today I am 137lbs. I will loose those 20lbs this month. I refuse to be this size again.

Right now things are in flux. I'm working 2-3 part days a week (about 4 hour shifts) at the daycare. Still haven't been cleared to work at the grocery store. As my doctor, my therapist, and my psych nurse keep reminding me, I'm adjusting to anti-psychotics and recovering from a suicide attempt, I need time to adjust. I just want to get back to real life. My doctor is thinking of increasing my seroquel, my psych nurse wants it lowered. The thing is they don't agree on a diagnosis so they don't agree on treatment. Ugh.

I've binged and purged twice today, and I'll do it at least one more time (as I'm binging and typing right now, go multitasking). I can't keep binging and not purging it. It has caused me to gain 20lbs. Fucking hell.

I have no plan. I'm sure since I'm now requiring myself to purge after a binge I will slow down. I hate purging. I hate it. It's so addictive and releasing. In a few days I will be back to 900 calories a day. I have to eat myself back down. I will get this off. I need to start excerising again. I have no strenght or stamina so I'm starting from square one again. The thought of exercising right now makes me tiered. Not good.