Sorry

I disappeared again. I got very very depressed this month. I've gained 20lbs from the Seroquel, and from what I've read online you can't really loose the weight until you are off of it. I hate it so much. I have a med review tomorrow and I want them to take me off Seroquel so badly.

I have also started a group therapy program that will last the rest of the summer. It's only once a week, and I've had 3 sessions so far and well I haven't learned anything from it. I'm only going because I haven't been given any other help and if I refuse this it may keep me from getting the help that will actually help me as I would look non-complient if I did not go.

I don't like change!

Read the title in Stewie Griffin's voice. Seriously, I disappear for a month and blogger gets all different and weird. :|

I didn't mean to disappear. I just got massively depressed and fat over the course of April. Seroquel caused me to gain 20lbs. Today I am 137lbs. I will loose those 20lbs this month. I refuse to be this size again.

Right now things are in flux. I'm working 2-3 part days a week (about 4 hour shifts) at the daycare. Still haven't been cleared to work at the grocery store. As my doctor, my therapist, and my psych nurse keep reminding me, I'm adjusting to anti-psychotics and recovering from a suicide attempt, I need time to adjust. I just want to get back to real life. My doctor is thinking of increasing my seroquel, my psych nurse wants it lowered. The thing is they don't agree on a diagnosis so they don't agree on treatment. Ugh.

I've binged and purged twice today, and I'll do it at least one more time (as I'm binging and typing right now, go multitasking). I can't keep binging and not purging it. It has caused me to gain 20lbs. Fucking hell.

I have no plan. I'm sure since I'm now requiring myself to purge after a binge I will slow down. I hate purging. I hate it. It's so addictive and releasing. In a few days I will be back to 900 calories a day. I have to eat myself back down. I will get this off. I need to start excerising again. I have no strenght or stamina so I'm starting from square one again. The thought of exercising right now makes me tiered. Not good.

I don't know what to do

Really and honestly I don't. I can't seem to restrict, I only seem to gain weight (I was 125lbs this am). I ate like crap yesterday, and today isn't shaping up to be that great either. I need to eat my way back down to 900 a day.

I have nothing else to add. I had intended to write out a long post but I have apparently lost the words.

New Month Starts Tomorrow

I've been binging for the past few days. But it stops tonight because tomorrow is a new month and a new start. I'm going to make sure to sleep until noon (which I do anyways, thanks Seroquel) as I hate pranks.

No plan, no announcements of how I'm going to do it this time. Just going to do it, because I have to.

Sigh

Again I'm not going to look at my weight until Sunday. I just can't stand seeing the up and down. Today I weighed 6lbs heavier than yesterday. Not good for my sanity. Lead to me binging today.

To clarify what I exercise machine I bought, it's a mini stepper, I don't know why I insist on calling it a climber. Part of me thinks that is what my Mom calls them. Or the fact that I'm a total blonde.

I've been using my tumblr a lot, I mostly just reblog, and it will never replace this blog, but ya'll should follow me: http://esotericgravity.tumblr.com/, I follow everyone back.

Other than that I have no other news. Wow, my life is boring. :D

Boost Day

That is what I decided today is. And probably tomorrow too. I'm eating a more to hopefully trick my body into thinking I'm not starving. The thought of putting on weight terrifies me so I'm not checking my scale in the morning. I don't think I can handle more than two days doing this though. It feels too bingey for me.

I haven't written anything today, which is what I needed. I was getting too many thoughts all at once, today I mostly was sorting through them. I plotted out the first part of the story (the first arch so to speak) and now just filling in the details. I'm still uber excited about it though.

I didn't end up getting the exercise bike, but I did buy a stair climber. Got it for 30% off too. Dad says he will give me half the money for it too. Which he doesn't need to do, but hey, that is great. It's all set up in the living room now. I have lost all conditioning that I had prior to my suicide attempt. Speaking of that, I need to call my gym. They have the wrong financial information for me and I haven't been paying my dues. They also haven't called me. Dad thinks it's because they called me one day when I was in the hospital and I told them I was there, and they apologized. They may have put my account on hold or whatever its called when someone can't come in for medical reasons. I hope so.

My creativity is back

I used to write. I never really shared my writing with people, though I did post some poetry I did online and got positive reviews. My mother sometimes wouldn't believe I actually wrote something, and the few people I actually allowed to read my writing all said it was good. I lost that 5 or 6 years ago. I've come up with ideas for stories/poems/novels, but never had the ability to get them onto the page. Mental illness has robbed that from me. But the other day I was struck with an idea for a novel, and frankly it is consuming all of my thoughts in a way no idea ever has. So I'm actually writing it. I doubt it will ever see the light of day, but I'm happy to have stolen this back. Take that insanity.

In other news my metabolism is fucked. I'm maintaining on 900 calories a day. Makes me want to scream.

...

I'm 120.5lbs today. Wish it was lower. I have lowered my daily calorie limit from 1000 to 900, so I  hope that has some effect. I hope by April 15th to lower it to 800, I'm much more comfortable at 800. Today I may buy an exercise bike (it's the floor model on clearance for $125) I just have to justify it taking up space in my tiny little apartment. I would just put it beside my bed. I think I'm going to go for it.

Nothing else new to report. So here is some thinspo for the day.

Fatty McFatterson

If the title of this post tell you anything it should be that I feel fat today. I've eaten horridly the past two days. I need to get back in control. I will do that today. I'm not giving up my goal for April 15th being 6lbs down. It's going to happen. It has to happen.

I think the seroquel is making it hard for me to get the energy I need to exercise. Still. So today I'm going out to buy a mini stepper of some sort so I can get some exercise while still in the house. Plus today I'm starting the two hundred sit up challenge (http://www.twohundredsitups.com/) to help improve my core strength. It gives me a plan to follow which I shouldn't fuck up too bad.

I have no real other news. My psych nurse met my partner yesterday, I thought she would want to talk to him once she saw that he was waiting for me in the waiting room. I got an assignment to write out a list of my accomplishments. That is going to be hard, I fail at everything.

I have decided to give the scale a break

I was back up 3lbs this am. No idea why. I have successfully upped my water intake for today, and aiming to do even better tomorrow (I've had 6 glasses so far today, I hope to hit 8). This yo-yo on the scale is driving me batty. So I hope to not look at it until sunday and hopefully it will be down. I'm hoping drinking more water will push through sodium and other things that seem to be causing me to retain water.

I feel like I got shit done today. I made play dough at work (my hands are stained blue, red, and purple from it), and came home and cleared out the front yards' flower beds and cut down a dying cypress tree that I've been itching to get rid of since he bought the house. It was unseasonably warm here today (26C) and I think I may have gotten a bit of a sunburn since I was outside with the kids at work for an hour and a half plus the gardening. I don't tan, I burn, then return to my pasty whiteness.

Back in the game

It was water weight. I'm back to 121lbs, grah, I still hate water weight. I actually need to drink more water (most days all I drink is diet Pepsi, bad I know) but I actually hate the taste and weight of water in my stomach. It literally causes my stomach to hurt. I've been trying to drink more this month but alas it hasn't really been happening. From today on I'm going to try to have 4 glasses of water a day until it becomes second nature and I will up that amount from then.

I had therapy today, spent most of it crying about how the people at community mental health make it seem like my personality is the reason behind why I'm miserable, when in reality what actually bothers me is the psychosis and delusions. I don't care if other people think I'm a bitch, or that I'm moody, I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with the insane crazy that I can get to at times.

I'm back to the doctor tomorrow to discuss the seroquel, so far I've only hallucinated once since I started on it (I though I was seeing cats, nothing scary) though it has made me irritable. And I'm irritable at the best of times, so to make me more irritable, I kinda pity my family. I hope it's just me adjusting to the medication and nothing else to serious. Also I haven't noticed any weight gain yet, but I still need to be careful because it has made me pretty tiered.

Oh on a good note I made peanut butter cookies last night for my Dad, and I haven't binged my face off on them. I actually worked out the calories for each one (135 ) which, I believe, is keeping me from shoving them all down my gullet. That and Dad really likes them (we typically buy 3 pb cookies from a vegan baker when we go to the farmers market, this week I told him I'd make some) and I don't want to eat them all on him.

I hate days like this

Days where I somehow manage to weigh 5lbs more than the day before. Logically I know it's water weight, it's not real, and it won't last but it just makes the day kinda suck. Like really really kinda suck.

I also got up earlier today than I have been (typically I wake up at noon now because of the seroquel) but I was up at around 930. Still haven't had anything to eat. I guess the 5lbs has made me reluctant to actually consume anything, though I know I should eat something to keep me from binging tonight. I just really really don't want to.

I have appointments all this week, other than today, and I was going to go get a police record check/pick up my paycheck that I forgot at work on Friday, and they just called me asking if I wanted to work this afternoon which would be great for me but I can't do anything as I'm waiting for a guy to show up to do something to the security alarm system. The rest of this week I have commitments, I wish I just told my Dad he should have taken this afternoon off as I have stuff I want/need to do. Oh well, can't do anything about it now.

I'm also going to paint the half-bath today, I was suppose to do it last summer but we didn't have wood filler or sandpaper so I could prep it properly and Dad never got around to getting it until the other day. I like painting walls and home decoration, I'm quite good at it. Plus Dad is going to pay me. I did the wainscoting in the kitchen last summer, though it was so dry and put up by the last people who owned this house who didn't fill in the nails that I told Dad that I'm going to fill in all the nail holes and give it a final coat of paint (This would make it 4 coats). And eventually do the main bathroom, the living room (have to take down wallpaper first and it looks like the walls are in bad shape), his bedroom, and my bedroom. That should keep me from feeling completely stir crazy. And burn some extra calories as well.

Time to focus

As I kinda can. I'm still really sleepy from the seroquel but not as bad as the first day. All I can say is for the 3 days I have taken it I haven't hallucinated. It's probably more of a placebo effect as it is way to early for it to effectively be working, and my hallucinations have been every other day maybe once or twice a day at most lately.

I decided that I want to be 115lbs for April 15th. That is 6lbs. Totally sensible and doable, if I keep my binging under control. Which I will. I've been eating kinda crapily too from being so tiered from my medications, but that will be changing as well. Going to start walking everyday (probably going to go do one once this post is over). I can do it. I must do it. If I do it it gives me 2 months to loose the other 5lbs I want to be down before my trip to Texas. I can't fail this time.

I'm thinking of buying myself a new swim suit to help motivate me to really work on my core. My stomach is so big because my core muscles are so weak. If I tighten them and loose some fat I may start to stop hating it so fucking much.

New Pills!

I'm off Abilify and on Seroquel. Great, a pill that makes one exhausted and causes weight gain. Why am I doing this anyways?

On a weight related note I've been sitting at 120lbs for days, and my period is due sometime this week (I would technically say two days ago). Trying not to freak out as I took my BC pills right, my body is still messed up from the overdose and I was off the pills for a month before I started taking them again. I think it may start tonight, as I'm going to will it to do so.

I'm still kinda out of it, I've been reading blogs but can't think of anything to say. I'm going to try to be a bit more interactive in the next few days, if the seroquel allows it.

Trying but failing

I seem to be living in this weird other world between insane and sane. I wish I could just go one way or the other forever. I know I'm not sane enough to be sane, I know I'm not insane enough to be insane. My pills keep me hovering here. I know I need more intensive help, but I'm too scared to ask. It will cost too much money, and frankly I'm just waiting to die. Everything would stop hurting, everything would stop when I die. It is taunting me again. Little whispers of suicide. It enticed me once before, it's enticing me again.

The psych nurse scoffed when I told her I feared for the day when the pain over the pain I have caused others would go away. She said it probably wouldn't. I was right and she was wrong. I can get over any emotion. I'm very skilled at locking them away. They disappear and even if I wanted to I can no longer touch them. Shut behind doors with no handles. Smooth so my fingers just gloss over them. Nothing there anymore. No more guilt.

I have nothing to say

Truly I don't. I keep thinking "I should blog" or "I should read peoples blogs and comment" but whenever I open something up, I find I have nothing to say.

I feel Fat. Lonely. Stupid. Bored. Crazy. Restless. Tiered.

I wish I could express what I feel like I need to, but again, I have nothing to say. I hope that my writing muse comes back soon.

I do not consider myself Pro-Ana

I never have. I understand that some people use to term for solidarity, I accept that, and can see the difference between wannabes and people who have an eating disorder. I accept that some people still want to use the term. I do not. If I am pro anything I am Pro-Reality of Eating Disorders. This blog, and my twitter, are part of the ways I cope with living with this mental illness everyday of my life. It is not about a diet. Hell I even know it's not about weight. It's complex and messy and not something glamorous that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I support you wherever you are in your eating disorder, whether that is in it all the way, recovering, recovered, relapsing, whatever stage you are in.

That said I am back to 119lbs. See serious first paragraph, inappropriate second paragraph. I can't escape the lure of the scale, the need to take up less space. I'm too much.

I didn't mean not to post for days

I tried to get on. I did. However; the boyfriend has been off for several days and it is hard to do anything ED wise online when he is around. Sure he knows but we don't talk about it, ever, so yeah. Awkward.

I binged for 3 days. Didn't track my calories. Luckily (and suckily) I'm back to 120lbs. It could  be worse. Today I'm staying under 500 calories today to try to make up for it. I'm already starving, stupid binging stretching out my stupid stomach.

I've been crap at reading/commenting on blogs lately. I will make it up to you all, promise. I'm going to chip away at it over today/tomorrow. Promise.

I got to see my scale today!

How sad is that that fact makes me so happy? I went to my apartment today to start organizing/cleaning before I move back in (and got rid of 3 bags of stuff for donation plus a couple of bags of garbage, and cleaned the bathroom), and there was my scale. MY SCALE. The only scale that I trust to give me an accurate weight. I had to step on her. She's a bitch and likes to lie, but she is mine. Of course I had eaten and was wearing clothes so she showed me her favorite weight for me 123.4lbs. I laughed. I wish I could take her here without it looking weird, because Dad has an analog scale. Oh well.

My stomach hurts. I've eaten too much today. Too much yesterday too. I was 120lbs this morning, and I suspect I'll be the same tomorrow because right now I'm sitting at around 122lbs and I tend only gain 2-3lbs during the course of the day. I hope that holds true for tomorrow.

I've been moving a lot more these past few days, doing a lot of cleaning/work. I feel accomplished though exhausted. I can't wait until I can work out for longer than 10 minutes at a time.

Back to 119lbs

And several times I stepped on the scale it read 118lbs. But sticking with 119lbs to be safe. It must have been all the salt from the day before. As I didn't eat that great yesterday but still under calorie.

With a good start comes the bad begining, came upstairs today and stepped squarely into a pile of cat puke. Thank you cats. I actually threw up from the smell, but since I have not eaten yet today it was bile. Waste of a honest puke if you ask me. Don't worry, I threw up in the toilet and cleaned up the cat puke. Still ugh.

I didn't walk yesterday, I ended up on the Wii fit for only ten minutes before I had to sit down because my blood pressure fell through the floor. My body still hates me. I was told I would feel effects from the overdose for awhlie, but jeez its been over a month now, I'd like to start feeling better.

Knew it wouldn't last

I was up two pounds this morning. I'm trying to disregard the weigh in because I had a lot of fluids yesterday and salt. Also I had a drink of water this morning before weighing in.

I got my Kitty! I was terrified I wouldn't because I saw she was featured in the paper yesterday as well. OMG that caused  me to break down into tears. So far she's doing good. My Dad's huge cats terrify her, though they are big brutes they are only trying to look at her, but she is still scared. My Molly (also huge) mostly ignores her and is going about her business, which is better than I thought, typically she hides for a good week if she is around a new cat. My BF, Dad, and I all see her being herself as a good thing. I got the Kitten to come upstairs this morning (shes been hiding out in the basement bedrooms) but Jack started walking towards her and she ran back down. Oh well, all she needs is time. And before anyone asks, nope I have not named her yet. I was thinking of keeping the name she came with but the BF really doesn't like that name, so now I can't figure out a name that suits her. I'm thinking of a Harry Potter name because that is where Molly's name comes from (NERD).

I think I'll go for a walk today. I feel up to it. May do that around lunch time, especially since my Dad isn't coming home for lunch today. I need to start exerciseing, but as soon as I start thinking about doing anything my body screams NOOOOO. FU body, I'll do what I like.

Hope

I finally saw 119lbs on the scale this morning. After laxatives. So I don't trust that it is going to last. I'm going to have liquids only today to help. I've also lowered my calorie goal to 1000 but with liquids only I doubt I'll get that high.

I have an appointment with community mental health today. I really really really don't want to go. And I get to be dropped off oh 3 hours early because the buses still aren't running and my Dad has a meeting during the time I have to be there for (and a cab there would cost a good $60). He's going to drop me off at the mall, and I'll walk down at 230.

My lips are very very chapped. From a combination of being sick, and the ED (I know I'm nutritionally lacking) so I've been trying to keep them moisturized, and to stop picking them (so hard). I think I'm getting a bit of improvement.

RAHAFHAFHFHAFHFHSHFSHHFHSAFHAHA

^That was me when I stepped on the scale this morning and weighed in at 120lbs.

I'm literally defeated. My body refuses to change one way or another. I hate how it looks at this weight, I can't stay here.

Hopefully I will have better news for tomorrow. In the meantime, here is some thinspo:

So...

I decided to have a :fuck it day. Ate what I wanted, almost puked at dinner time because I was so full. I feel terribly guilty about it all, but seriously 5 days at the same weight just is doing my head in. I would rather have had a gain to be mad at than maintain for another day. I'll eat those words tomorrow I'm sure.

I'm thinking of moving back into my apartment within the next week or two. I'm still mulling it over in my mind and haven't talked it over with anyone else yet. I think I'll bring it up sometime this week. I also am probably adopting a cat this week. I fell in love with this cat a few weeks ago and today when we went to look at cats she was still there. I had an OMG moment. She is very sweet, and a bit of a Diva like my cat is, only 9 months old, and while she has a heart murmur but is doing fine. I think I'll tell my Dad yes, I would like to go put the paperwork in. The boyfriend liked her too. We've been talking about a second cat for a year now, so it's not like we are rushing into anything.

What is it now, four days?

Stuck at 120lbs. GRAH. So fucking annoying. I even ate more yesterday in the hopes that it might help. And today I'm having drinks with my friend so I have to work out what I will be having in anticipation of that. I'm only going to have one drink, so that should help. But fuck this is getting really fucking annoying. I'm trying very hard not to binge because of it. I started to yesterday but for some reason my boyfriend put on a TV show about exterminating rats/mice/roaches and OMG if that did not stop me faster than anything else before. I was disgusted all day.

This week I'm going to be doing some housework around my Dad's house, ie painting the bathroom, taking down wall paper and painting the living room, probably including the ceilings of the living room and kitchen, and probably my bedroom here as well. And take out some dead plants from the garden, and go through boxes of my shit that is still here. That should count towards some exercise/extra calories burnt.

Me!

This will probably only be up for 24 hours, but here is a picture of me (and my purple hair). I thought it might be nice to give people a face. If you know me in RL please don't mention it. :P

Holding Steady

While I didn't go over 1100 yesterday I didn't loose any weight, but maintained. Better than a gain I guess.

Today I'm dying my hair purple. I'm so happy to finally have gotten most of the dark colour out of my hair so I can do this. I have missed having funky coloured hair for years. I don't feel like me with blond, red, brown, or black hair. I need pink, purple, green, blue, etc. Pink is really where I want to be, but my ends are really holding onto some of the old dye and I can't take my hair looking like it has been for the past oh 4 months of trying to fade it. I'll get it pink eventually, and I wanted to use the purple dye I've had for a year.

I don't have much else to say. My day to day life isn't all that exciting right now. Might go out to supper tonight. Might not. Literally that is the only thing that really changes everyday. I wish the transit strike was over, then I'd be able to go visit people, or go to the mall, or to the gym. Alas I am on their side so I am not going to bitch too badly.

120lbs

FINALLY. I'm back to what I weighed when I left the hospital. That has been my short term goal. Now I just have to not fuck it up. Easier said than done because whenever  I reach a goal or get to a pound or two under I end up binging for days and fucking it all up. I won't this time. I can't. I need to be thinner. My mind is so fucked up that my body needs to be perfect. And I can't be perfect at this weight.

Last night I took some disgusting photos of me in my underwear to keep on my cell phone. I'm so unfit and untoned. I see photos of women who weigh 20lbs more than me (and are my height) whose stomachs are flatter. I need to get that area under wraps.

On a random life note, last night an old friend from high school added me on facebook. I literally had been wondering what happened to him since I haven't heard anything from him or anyone else about him since 2004 or 2005. We're going to catch up on Saturday. It will  be nice to see someone from back then (he said the same thing too). Both our lives have kinda gone to crap and we are both trying to get back to a sense of normal so I don't feel quite so much like a fucked up freaked unlike when I talk to other high school friends.

I might end up going over calories today, but I'm trying not to freak out because I was under by 317 calories yesterday, I just really don't want to see a gain tomorrow.

tic tok goes the clock

I feel too old to be this fucked up with an ED. I feel too young to be this fucked up with other mental illnesses. It's an odd space to be in.

Had therapy this morning, not sure how I feel about everything. Actually that could sum up my head space right now very well. Not sure how I feel at all.

I did get some errands done today, mailed off two packages to friends, last night I even wrote them proper hand written letters on stationary. It was kinda hard because I talk to them online/texting a lot so there wasn't much to say in the letters but I figured that would be a nice touch.

I was 121lbs this morning, and my period has come with a vengeance so no loss is better than a gain. Can't wait for it to be over. I ate about 100 odd calories under my goal for 1100 yesterday which is good, and probably kept me from gaining. I find it easier to eat under my calorie goal when the number is odd. I don't care for even numbers all that much. As it's going today I'll probably be under again *finds some wood to knock on*.

I'm exhausted all the time from the abilify, though I did try to take the cat for a walk yesterday (yes my Dads cat walks on a leash, I can provide a picture if anyone wants to see) but I got tiered and he decided he wanted to go home so it only lasted about 10 minutes. Today is too cold to go out for a walk, plus I'm tiered, but I plugged in the Wii so I hope to play Wii Fit for a bit today. Better than nothing.

I am getting better at commenting on blogs, though not as much as I would like. I have no ability to concentrate or focus lately (which is why my posts have been short. This one I've been making mental notes on since I got up so it's a bit longer) which sometimes means I can't think of anything to say, but I am reading everyone that I follow, especially those who comment (I try to read your blogs first).