Sunday, July 24, 2011

I know I'm getting old

when I'm disgusted by the fact that everyone on facebook is mourning Amy Winehouse and yet virtually no one is talking about the SLAUGHTER of innocent people in Norway. Or the fact that Somali militants are still keeping vital aid from reaching starving people. Or the conflict and possible ethnic cleansing happening in Lybia. Maybe I need to give up on humanity. Yes, it's sad that a person is dead, but you know what? Her death wasn't caused by a conflict or social issue that anyone but her could have helped. I'm not saying she deserved to die, I'm not speculating on how she died exactly, but her death should not overwrite real issues. Then again, I don't believe in worshiping the cult of celebrity. I read an article recently by a woman who called on people to stop paying attention to celebrities and pseudo celebrities, because it just takes up space in your mind and time away from paying attention to real issues. Who someone is dating is not a real issue. The fact that female genital mutilation happens is a real issue.

If you can't tell, I'm passionate about human rights and international politics. I'm considering interning at the UN once I graduate. I'm considering joining various human rights organizations or international diplomatic programs (I'm a very good candidate and have been told by various people who do those jobs that I'm right for it). I get very agitated when 'celebrity' news pushes real news stories to the sideline. I was very happy yesterday to turn on CNN and see that they were actually talking about the US debt crisis and not speculating on how some poor woman died just because she was a celebrity (CTV news here in Canada was dedicating time to it). I'm sure eventually it changed to focus more on that, because God, does anyone remember how much useless time was spent on Anna Nicole Smith? Or Micheal Jackson?

In Eating Disorder News: I've been binging, and yesterday was spent binging and purging. Today so far has been spent trying not to start a B/P session today, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail. I did loose a bit from yesterday though, through dehydration and laxatives I'm sure.

Friday, July 15, 2011

I'm too old and too fat for all of this.

Seriously. I'm 26. Logically I know I'm not fat anymore. But I feel fat. I look fat to myself in the mirror. I feel ridiculous that I'm this old and this far gone.

I'm still fat for my birthday. So I'm posting some pictures. Hopefully next year I'll look more like these on my birthday than the whale that I feel that I am.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Still no scale...

...but I've lost a bit more in the measurements. Not a lot (like 1/4" of an inch off my waist and an 1" off my hips since the beginning of July), but if I'm loosing some inches I need to be loosing weight, right? Because right now I'm convinced I've gained about 10lbs. I feel 10lbs heavier.

I did a P90X workout yesterday and my body is swore today. I want to work out again today, but I don't think my body is going to let me. I've had a headache for 3 fucking days now which isn't going away despite what I'm doing/eating/medicine. And I'm so swore. So I think my body is saying, enough is enough and give me an exercise break. So I think I will listen. I may ask Mom to go for a walk tonight, or maybe a swim. That would make me feel better.

I'm actually not freaking out over my birthday this year. I am really not accepting that tomorrow I'll be 26. But I'm also not around a million people asking me what I want to do. Mom is working tomorrow morning, but will be there tomorrow afternoon because people are coming to clean the furnace. I don't think she plans to take me out to supper, then the only thing I asked to do is Harry Potter (we are seeing it at 7). She had to move her birthday surprise for me to Saturday since I asked to see the movie, so we are getting massages Saturday afternoon. Then we have to go to my aunts house, because my cousin and I share the same birthday and they want to do something together (my cousin is 14 years younger than me). Of course they asked to do something the day off, but I told mom a month ago that I did not want to spend my birthday with them. I love them, but my cousins behaviour really grinds my gears, though I do see an improvement. I just find being around them really overwhelming right now too.

I think the mania is starting back up again. It started like this two months ago (a little oversleeping in the morning, a constant headache, not being able to fall asleep, plus I'm hallucinating again for the past 3 days or so). I do hope when I get home I can get my doctor to extend my medical leave. I'm not ready to go back to work again.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Back to Canada Tonight

Leaving Phoenix tonight to go back to my Moms in Ottawa for another week. I don't fly to my actual home until next Sunday. My Mom has guaranteed me she's buying a scale either tomorrow or Tuesday so yay! I'll know my weight soon.

Kinda messed up eating today by having 3 vegan chocolate chip cookies (390) at once. I just shoveled them in. BUT I did work them off at the gym (and more) plus I also did laps for 45 minutes in the pool too. I had hoped to bank the calories burned with still eating healthy, but oh well. I'm going to be up for like 2 days so I'm sure I'm going to burn a lot more than normal today.

I can kinda feel the mania coming back on, I've been really triggered by my step dads presence here for the past two days (he basically came down here early in an attempt to prove to my mother that we can get along, even though he knew I didn't want him here, he wasn't supposed to come in till last night to drive us to the airport tonight, then drive up to visit his kids) and I really am tempted to SI. I've avoided doing it, but if I go manic there is no telling what I will do.

Not Knowing is Killing Me

Seriously, I'm going insane not knowing my weight. I hope my mom buys a scale when we fly back to her house tomorrow as I am going crazy not knowing if I'm gaining. I've lost half an inch off my hips and chest respectively, but I'm convinced I'm larger.

Also next Friday is my 26th birthday, and the new Harry Potter is released. Can you say best birthday ever? Mom has agreed to take me too it (as before my vacation plans were finalized my Dad, my boyfriend, and my two best friends all offered to take me to it on opening day, and I really really want to go). Though, overall, I don't like the movies that much, I'm such a Harry Potter nerd I always go and see them. I've written academic papers on Harry Potter, I'm that nerdy. Side note: I also wrote an awesome paper on the American Hero and Star Trek captains. I can't lie, I think it's all awesome.

So here's to hoping I'm not fatter, and I hope that everyone is doing well. I've been super busy running around this vacation so I haven't been getting on blogger. Hopefully I'll get on more next week and once I get home.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Vacation Time!

I didn't intend to go this long without updating, but I didn't loose any weight before I left for vacation and felt like a complete and total failure.

In Phoenix right now (and a dust storm is rolling in, fun!). Mom and I have been exercising two to three times a day, and eating really really healthily. I'm also trying to break myself of my diet Pepsi addiction. I didn't buy any when we went shopping, and someone left a bottle of coke zero (my Mom loans out her condo to friends/family) and I've had about a glass total in two days just when the caffeine withdrawals have been totally horrible.

Unfortunately we don't have a scale, not here, nor at her place in Ottawa. She suggested buying one today, but has now decided to wait until we get back to Canada. Not knowing my weight is driving me insane. INSANE I TELL YOU.

I hope to see a loss when I get back. I can't handle sitting in the 120s anymore. I need to get smaller. Doesn't matter the weight, as long as it's less than the day before. That's all I care about.