Thursday, September 30, 2010

All righty folks

Hungry for Change starts tomorrow! I can't wait. I've really binged out the past two days. Last night/this morning was horrible as I was writing an assignment. And by this morning meaning I've been up since 3:30am. See when I get stuck late at night when I have something due, I have to go to bed for a few hours. I went up to bed around midnight, but ended up handwriting part of the assignment in bed as I tend to do that too. Got to sleep around 1.

Yesterday my roommate came home right as I was about to get up and purge the first massive part of my binge (I had already purged once). I had a bunch of food around me and I just couldn't stop so I kept eating it. Then I went to Dads, had veggie sushi, bread, chips and salsa. My stomach has been hard and bloated since midday yesterday. I had another mini binge today.

And I still want to eat. Right now I'm having a supper of crackers and peanut butter to get some protein to get me through the first few days. I'm also having a green tea to help boost my metabolism, and a laxative tea because I'm (TMI) backed up. Took 2 diet pills, and a laxative as well. I just need to get things moving. Considering that I'm 124.8lbs as of an hour ago. I know it's just binge weight, and well, shit. Literally.

As for the fast, I'm planning on a liquids only. Soups and such are going to be allowed because of work, and the ease of just blending into life. I am going to limit it to 500cals a day. I'm hoping to go right till Oct 11th, and break it at supper time (Thanksgiving). Though sometimes Dad and I celebrate a day early, so it's all playing it by ear.

I got a job! Whoo. Well a second job. I start next Tuesday, whee orientation.

I haven't been to the gym in a week because I've had a nasty cold. I could have probably managed today but I had a few errands to run (dropping a letter off at the property managers changing the lease to month to month, getting a bus pass). I also got up off my lazy hobo ass and dyed my hair. No more 3 inches of roots. I tried to pick a colour closer to my natural, as I am trying to grow it out to a certain length so I need to stop destroying it. At least till I get it to where I want (just below my rib cage, though layered). I'm a hair dye junkie. At work people are used to seeing me one day as a red head, then I'll suddenly be blond the next. I like to not tell people what I plan on doing, just cause I get a kick out of reactions (I used to have hot pink hair, and tri coloured, so these people have pretty much seen everything). The kids also get a kick out of it.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

it's the waiting that kills me

I just want Oct 1st to get here so I can start fasting.

Also I have a giant bag of tomatoes in my fridge from the boyfriends Mom. I don't like tomatoes, but I don't want them to go to waste. Decisions, decisions. I may make a pasta sauce then freeze it.

I was 120.4lbs this morning. I don't know why, I ate horribly yesterday.

I'm avoiding working on an assignment due tomorrow. I need to go over to my Dads to write it/print it off. I'm way to lazy to leave early this morning.

I think I may have a binge/purge day today. Get it out of my system. It's horrible that I plan these right? I'm fucking sick all right.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I am drugged out of my mind

...on cold medicine. The kind that keeps your pupils from dilating/responding. The kind my Jr.high teacher almost called my mother and told her I was on drugs for (my best friend intervened and told her what I was taking because my mother doesn't believe in staying home from school unless you couldn't physically get out of bed. The teacher still called my mother to tell her I was sick and should be at home). I don't think I should go to class today, but I will because I hate missing class. I haven't done the readings, but whatever, I can wing it. Kennedy era America and class training during early modern Europe are both things I know enough about that I can fake my way through it. I have this little tip: if you know the answer to something the professor asks, say it. Then they won't call on you when you have no idea and no one else does either because you obviously know the topic since you already spoke. Tis how I faked my way through homework and readings since 4th grade.

I can't wait till Friday and starting my fast. I'm thinking 3 days of the master cleanse followed by liquid fasting until Thanksgiving. Then I'll be out of Hungry for change, but may do another 4-5 days of the master cleanse. I told my Dad the plan to fast and he said he needs to fast/detox too. So no pressure to eat form him. Now I just need to worry about the boyfriend.

Still no news on the job front. Oh well. It will happen when it happens. Mom says shes going to deposit some money directly into my bank account, even though my cheque is in the mail. So I will have a bit of flex cash. My payment on my cell phone hasn't been reflected on my account so I'm worried I fucked it up somehow and lost $235. :/ I'll need to figure that out. If it hasn't shown up my tomorrow I will be trying to figure out how to contact Virgin Mobile.

....I just checked and it's cleared! Yay! Now I don't have to think.

I'm at 121.4lbs today. Fuck binging and fuck deciding to not track. I'm slowly working down my calorie counts for Friday, but I'm also trying to eat some of the food in the apartment so I don't binge on it so it's a delicate balance.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Hello Lovelies!

I'm happy to report I'm feeling much better emotionally. Except now both Dad and I have nasty fall colds. I had an interview yesterday and luckily it really didn't hit me until it was over (we were going to go to a movie last night but neither Dad nor me could stand up without swaying around and could barely focus so we postponed it). I prefer being sick around my Mom or Dad versus anyone else so I stayed the night again. Also I work tomorrow and it's just a shorter bus ride from here to work so I might as well stay.

My Dad has decided to really try to loose weight, so we are going to the grocery store so we can make some different foods for him to freeze and reheat throughout the week. He has the tendency to eat the same things or when he doesn't feel like cooking ordering a pizza. I'm determined to make him eat vegetables. This really fulfills the eating disordered foodie in me. I know I will be making him food for freezing even at my apartment.

I signed up for the October fast for Hungry For Change. I won't be able to go past the 11th since that is Canadian Thanksgiving, and I know Dad will want to do something. Even though we never end up eating everything we make, it's more about just the family time. And the cats eating about 80% of the turkey (since I'm a vegan, and Dad just finds it easier to put it on the floor instead of carving and saving it, LOL)

And as I wrote this out I got another call for an interview. The place is much closer to where I live which would be a definite bonus. I will know tomorrow night if I got the job at the first place, so I'm unsure what to do. But whatever, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Friday, September 24, 2010


I'm sorry if I depressed anyone with my last post. I told y'all that I'm a bit dark and depressing underneath it all. I'm just in a semi-bad place emotionally right now, with the weather turning colder and I'm stressed out over money. I also know that no one was trying to make me feel bad and it was only my own self hatred coming out over an innocent comment.

Don't worry, I'm spending a few days at my Dads house to help get my head on straight. Sometimes I just need to run home to help reset my mood. I can't afford to go to therapy right now (and I'm stressing as my mother said she'd send me money for it and my cell phone bill, TWO WEEKS AGO, and it hasn't come yet. I'm doubting she sent it, even though I told her when I needed it for). I even brought my cat with me so I wouldn't feel weird and guilty about leaving her alone (though she wouldn't be alone, I have a roommate).

I haven't weighed myself in a few days, and probably won't again until Monday or Tuesday. It's just one more mental stressor that I can't afford to take on. Part of me is itching to know but I just can't bring that disappointment onto myself right now.

I have been reading all your lovely blogs, but I have no capacity to form comments, but I am trying and I am reading. Maybe in a few days I will be able to. I'm hoping.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Couldn't get online yesterday

I worked from 6:45-3:45, then went to the boyfriends, then he came over and we made food and watched TV/DVDs. So no blogger time for me.

I didn't purge yesterday and I woke up today 3lbs heavier. Screw you eating disorder. I spend one day eating 'normally' and my body decides to hold onto food like it's nobodies business.

I got a comment on my last post that I know was meant to be helpful, but it's really has bothered me. If I could keep myself from binging and purging I would. It's called having an eating disorder. Right now it's displaying itself with way more bulimic tendencies than not (in fact I believe I meet the criteria for bulimia right now). I know it is going to mess up my teeth. I know each time I lean over the toilet I could rupture my esophagus, or strain my heart into having a heart attack. I know each time I stuff myself with food I could rupture my stomach. I know that taking laxatives can damage my ability to normally poop. I know I'm ruining my body. I just can't stop. If I had control over this I would not have an eating disorder and would not find throwing up what I eat acceptable.

My eating disorder is my slow suicide. I am choosing to not get help for it, as deep down I fundamentally believe I deserve to die. And I deserve to suffer while it happens.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

supermans dead

Weight @ 750am: 118.4lbs
Breakfast: 1 Peanut Butter bar 220cals + 1 green tea
Snack: 1 Laxative tea
Lunch: 1/2 veggie pita 120cals + Chocolate soy milk 150cals
Supper: Mac & Chreeze 330cals + vegan buffalo wings 150cals (purged the BW, as I ate them about 2 hours after the Mac & Chreeze)
Total: 970 cals :(

Exercise: Bike 206 cals + Treadmill 50 cals
Total: 256 cals

Net: 714cals

I would have worked out longer today but my stomach has been killing me after my lovely combination of a massive Binge/Purge last night (probably around 1500-2000 calories) and the laxatives and diet pills. So it was eithe stop exercising or puke all over the lovely equipment.

In all honesty I'm probably not done eating today. My roommate is busy in her room with loud music playing so I don't feel like she can hear me throwing up. Plus I told her I may throw up because of my stomach so even if she does catch me it's no big deal.

I just want to say a big thank you to my commenters, especially the ones who commented on my last post (Mindy, Sarah, and Harley). You guys give me so much support and I love you.

Monday, September 20, 2010

What a waste

I just spent the last oh 3 hours binging and purging. I smell like a lovely combination of soap and vomit. I feel so fucking weak, but also in control while spiraling out of control. Also took a few laxatives early in the binge so I may have to take some more as I'm pretty sure they did not get a chance to absorb. Also took a diuretic and some ephedra so I could stay up and work off what I can't get out. Going to drink some laxative tea too. I binged on Indian food, chocolate cake, vegan buffalo wings and vegan chicken fingers, among other things.

Also going to do my readings for university tomorrow in the hopes of distracting myself from continuing. I have some bad shakes, every time I stand up my vision goes black and I get really dizzy, and my stomach is bloated and distended. I haven't looked at my face for long enough to see if it's really really puffy, but the quick glimpses I've seen it's very red and slightly puffy. No broken blood vessels in the eyes though.

To everyone who wants an eating disorder, I wish they would see the down side. I fucking hate binging and purging. I hate that I can't have a normal relationship with food. That I can't conceive of eating a bagel or chips or cake without freaking out, almost to the point of tears.

But my need to be thin outweighs how horrible I feel right now.

ordinary is just not good enough today

I couldn't start my liquid fast yesterday. I had spent the night at the boyfriends, but came prepared with soup and green tea for sunday, but then we get woken up at 845 from a text message from his mother. She was coming up to visit. Okay. I had never met his mother, so she ended up taking us out to lunch and I ordered garlic knots which hurt my stomach terribly (seriously I was getting stomach pains 10 hours after I ate them, luckily it kept me from eating anymore food, well I had a mixture of sugar and water and chocolate but that was it).

Good news is that starting it today I can have an accurate starting weight: 119.6lbs Which is awesome considering the crap I've eaten the past week. I'm thinking my metabolism may have reved up a bit, but it will die a quick death again soon.

Still not commenting as much as I would like too, and I'm sorry about that. I really am trying, I just get so negative and think no one wants to hear what I have to say, which I know is not true. GRAH. I hate my mind.

Saturday, September 18, 2010


I've been a sucky commenter for the past few days. I've been so in my own head that I can't seem to form coherent comments. I've tried. I have been reading, and I'm going to be forcing myself to comment more again.

Worked my first shift this week today. It was a busy busy day, but hey, it's money. Haven't heard back from anyplace I applied, so tomorrow/Monday I'll be out passing out resumes again.

Haven't been to the gym since Thursday. ACK. I was going to go today, but I knew that would have meant rushing home from work and I do require some down time after a really busy day with the kids. So extra time tomorrow, may also through in a walk and a work out DVD to bust my ass.

I spent an hour in the grocery store today, looking for various soups for a liquid fast. I wandered slowly up and down every isle (even the ones without soup) and was getting some strange looks from people (me standing hold a packet and my cell phone working out calorie counts, picking up another one, doing the same, then trying to decide which one to buy and putting them both back only to grab something I hadn't touched yet). I plan on liquid fasting for the next few days (IE until I spend time with the boyfriend or Dad again). If it goes on for more than 2 days I will allow myself one tablespoon of peanut butter (protein!) with crackers.

I'm currently watching William Shatner's Weird or What? (I think that is what it is called) And I am thoroughly amused. Of course I love the Shat. I have a William Shatner belt buckle. He amuses me.

Friday, September 17, 2010

I felt it today

The little rip in my brain as I slowly loose my connection to reality. I fucking hate it, but I'm welcoming it too. Health is hard after awhile. Being disconnected and depressed is just easier. My boyfriend has noticed a slight change in me. I told him it was going to happen. It happens on a regular schedule (and it one of the reasons why pretty much everyone thinks I must be bipolar).

It happened in the hardware store. Everything was clear and in focus, then suddenly everything has a blurry edge and their is white noise competing with the real word. I was near the saws and all I could think about were the blades carving red lines into my skin. I couldn't get my eyes to focus. Right now I just want to curl up in bed and let death drift me off to sleep.

Logically I know I should be on the phone to my therapist for an appointment, but it's too complicated. I hate the phone. I never know what to say. I keep it on silent so I don't have to answer it. Answering a message is easy, you already know what someone wants from you. Answering it live is just too...complex. Making a phone call is out of the question.

My boyfriend insists he is going to buy me a sun light, in hopes that it will keep the wall of depression that is crashing down on me from hitting in full force. My therapist had recommended one before, but I can never bring myself to spend the money.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

le sigh

Nothing to report on the weight loss front. Nothing significant anyways. I was going to try to fast tomorrow and Saturday, but that has been shot to shit since I'm spending the night at the boyfriends, then heading to my Dads for tomorrow night, then working Saturday.

Found out tonight that one of my friends is pregnant. While some of you might think that's not such a big deal see as shes 24, it's still a afkjdkghgksjfafj moment. She is in her last year of university. And her boyfriend is moving up to the city without having a job lined up. I know she'll be a great mom, but I know it's going to be very hard for her (also her parents don't approve of the BF, and our job, since it's casual, has no maternity benefits). Little freaked out on her behalf.

I need to get one fasting day in this week. I'm thinking Saturday after work till Sunday or Monday depending, but I tend not to be able to avoid Dad or the boyfriend for more than a few days. I know, that since the boyfriend has not been around to see me at my worst yet, that his is just about wanting to be with me, but Dad worries when he hasn't heard from me for a few days. He knows my isolation and sneaky paranoid anxiety spirals come around easily when I'm by myself for a few days. He has seen the crazy too up close to allow me to stew. Lately all I have been wanting is to allow myself to fall into it. It's inevitable, why bother trying to fight it.

I need some downward numbers on the scale to report here. Feeling fat and bloated today.

On a positive note, I have been noticing more guys checking me out. I don't care what people say, the skinnier you are the hotter you are. Fuck that PC crap.

Ugh today in class a bunch of girls were sitting chopping on crap ass junk food and I got to see it happen since we had to sit in a big circle for a discussion class. I wanted to smack the chips out of the hand of one girl, cause honey, she did not need it. My ED makes me such a bitch. These girls seem nice enough, but I can't seem to connect with larger people anymore. My friends who are larger who I've known a long time, I don't get this reaction with. Random new people, they disgust me on a visceral level. Probably cause they remind me of when I was REALLY REALLY FAT, instead of just the regular FAT I am now. Still kinda makes me feel like crap ass person though.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


25 Followers. That's unexpected. Hello everyone. If I'm not following one of your blogs, let me know, and I will. I try to check every few days to see, but I know that I sometimes miss people.

Still at fat fuck. My metabolism is dead, has been for years, but it still fucking sucks that I eat, say, 600 calories and I GAIN weight. Ugh. Getting back on track with the next few days, and may fast at some point next week. Depending on if I work or not (as of right now it's a not).

Speaking of work, I did up my resume last night, got my references in order, so today I will spiff myself up (no more rock and roll unbrushed wild hair that I normally have), and start dropping them off/applying everywhere like a fucking mad woman. I'm not looking for anything special just a job for evenings and weekends to help fill out my paychecks. Especially since it looks like I won't be getting many hours from the daycare.

My weight today is 121.2lbs. I just desperately need to see the teens someday soon. I don't consider having to have met a goal until I'm under it for a few days, so even though I hit the 120lb mark, I didn't make the goal yet. Come on you fat tub of lard.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Quick update

I'm at university right now, my first class was cancelled (boo I could have slept in), and sleeping in would have been nice since I didn't get home until midnight (the boyfriend and I saw Inception in IMAX, awesome) then the boyfriend wanted to watch another movie, but I picked the show Fawlty Towers so we could just watch it on my laptop in bed and if I fell asleep it wasn't like I was missing much.

Yesterday I did not count calories since it was a big date night and I kinda let myself binge in the morning since I was basically a huge bitch from not eating and having a severe cause of the shakes and dizziness.

I ate:
-3 homemade pizza buns
-Green Onion Cakes and whatever the sauce was that came with them
-Stir Fry with Tofu, portabella mushrooms, green onions, snap peas, green peppers, terryaki sauce and a bit of rice
-1 Alexander Keith's Lite Ale
-1 Large Diet Coke
-Most of a large bag of popcorn

I also didn't go to the gym since I was feeling so bad and my feet are pretty torn up right now (little cuts, blisters) but I will be back today since all the crap I ate yesterday has given me energy. It's also put me up to 121.2lbs but (TMI time) I haven't pooped in several days either.

So I'll probably do a proper update tonight with today's intake (as of right now it's nothing), exercise total, and what not. Also I will comment on everyones blog then. If you are following me and I haven't followed your blog yet, let me know, I sometimes miss them, and I would love to read them. Even though I don't comment on every entry I promise I do read everything.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I'm so hungry I could cry

Today I decided to allow myself up to 750 calories. Why? Because I woke up this morning and could not get out of bed. I was shaking and nauseous and very very dizzy. It took all my strength and a good 40 minutes to gather myself together and trudge to the scale. 120.2lbs. Wow a measly 0.4lbs down from yesterday. That seemed worth it. I then trudged myself to the kitchen and got this little box of cereal I took from the hotel last weekend and ate that (80 cals + 30 for sugar). Then I trudged myself to the grocery store and bought 2 small potatoes.

Also as a note, when I list things like milk or butter or gravy, they are all always vegan substitutes. I just get annoyed having to write out vegan this or vegan that, as I just think of them as butter, milk, gravy and the regular stuff does not register to me as food.

So today food wise went:
weight @ 9:40am- 120.2lb
breakfast @ 10:00am- dry cereal 80 cals + cane sugar 30 cals
lunch @ 12:45pm- mashed potatoes 168 cals + butter 5 cals + garlic 6 cals + sour cream 60 cals + potato fixings 25 cals
supper @ 5:10pm- hash browns 168 cals + pam 24ish cals + 1/4 cup gravy 104 cals
Total: 682 cals

I eased up on the exercise today, since I keep getting the shakes.
Treadmill for half and hour- 146 cals
Leg Press- 5 sets of 10 each at 45lbs
Inner Thigh- 3 sets of 10 each at 45lbs
Outer Thigh- 3 sets of 10 each at 45lbs
Total: 146 cals (though I should probably figure out a guesstimate with the weight training, but I tend to only count cardio)

Net: 536 cals

My roommate just left for the evening, I'm so tempted to binge and purge. I'm planning on what it could be on. I could do it multiple times. I don't want to give into it though. I really don't. But part of me wants it so badly that it's getting hard to ignore. It's been over a week, part of me is saying do it just today, come on you've already eaten this much, do it. You're a fat fuck you might as well eat.

Also I've decided that when I loose 10lbs I will post a photo of myself. Maybe even with my face, but probably somehow cleverly covered.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Bring it On

I'm watching that movie right now. I love mindless shit like this.

Also a big Hello to my new followers! Hopefully I am interesting enough for y'all to stick around.

Worked today, then went to the gym. I could barely move at the gym today. I had lunch at 1200, then didn't get to the gym until 330 so I think it was just a bit to long since I ate. I had to drag myself back up the stairs from the change room, then the walk to the bus stop that normally takes me oh 3 minutes, took me about 10.

Intake for today:
weight @ 820 am- 120.6lbs
breakfast @ 830 am- rice cake 31 cals + peanut butter 100 cals (I felt I needed the protein)
lunch @ 1200 pm- 1 cup tomato soup 80 cals
supper @ 540 pm- 1/2 cup rice (flavoured with olive oil, garlic and some wild rice, it's a premade mix) 130 cals
treat @ 800 pm- diet coke (not counting the like 2 calories in it)
Total - 341 cals

Exercise for today:
30 minutes on the treadmill- 200 cals
15 minutes on the bike- 83 cals
+ 5 sets of 10 on the leg press on 45lbs
Total burned: 283 cals

Net Calories: 58 cals

Not bad. I still feel shitty about it though. I've been craving french fries the past two days, so tomorrow I plan on going to the grocery store and buying one of those lone baking potatoes and having that, maybe with a bit of gravy.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Sleep...Need Sleep

I slept on the couch last night because I was too exhausted to clean my bed off. I feel so rundown and I know a major part of it is the restricting, though my life has been busy these past few weeks. I, unlike a normal healthy person, can't work more than 30 hours a week without feeling like death warmed over, let alone add any type of social life on top of it. It fucking sucks. I'm more capable now than I was even a year ago, but it still pisses me off that regular everyday life drains me so much. Depression sucks. Even though I don't feel depressed all the time now, I still have all the lovely physical symptoms. A few months back I was even given uppers by my doctor to fight how tiered I feel all the time (and I had lovely heart palpitations which we figured was from my anxiety) but they kept me up late and I never got any sleep (since I'm up at 6 am pretty much everyday).

I couldn't get to the gym today, as I had to make dinner for a woman from work whose child recently died (we volunteered to cook for her and husband for the next month or so so they don't have to worry about it). It took me longer to get ready to leave the apartment this morning to grocery shop, so by the time it was done I had to get ready for work. I would have gone after work, but that depended on me getting the bus like 4 minutes after I was off and then only having about an hour in the gym, if nothing was delayed. And that's not how our metro transit system likes to work.

Ended up having my Dad pick me up from work as I somehow left all my deodorant at his house, then he was going to drive me to the bridge terminal but I told him I needed cat litter soon, and since we buy it from Costco, he went there instead (looking for binoculars). Then we ended up at Canadian Tire, and I didn't get home till almost 8. Managed to get a load of laundry on so I have been a bit productive today. I was going to clean my room tomorrow but got a call from work about working tomorrow and since I have no scheduled shifts on the horizon I took it, even though the thought of working makes me want to cry.

I did well today with restricting
Weight @ 730 am-121.6lbs
Breakfast @ 855 am-rice noodles 192 cals
Lunch @ 1120am-apple crisp granola bar 85 cals
Supper @ 840pm-apple crisp granola bar 85 cals
Total- 362 cals

Not bad. I would have liked to have added some exercise on top of it, but hey, I would never be satisfied even if I did.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I'm exhausted.

Seriously this day has taken a lot out of me. Got up at 7 so I could shower and do my hair before class. I was going to try to get in early but I got distracted by reading. And then spending 30 minutes trying to perfect my outfit. I did manage to join the gym (and exercise today) which is a plus. And classes will probably be good but I think my professors might annoy me. I'm still undecided on how it will go. Ran into my Prof that I have gotten close too. She told me I've gotten so skinny. I had to hide a smile.

Also ordered in some diet pills and got them today. Yay.

I'm still undecided about exactly how I'm going to restrict (IE if I'm going to do a known diet, make one up for myself, how strict/many the rules will be) but here was my day:

Weight @ 7:00 am- 122.6lbs
Breakfast @ 9:10 am- cereal 25cals
Lunch @ 11:55 am- Cliff Bar 250 cals
Supper @ 3:30-4:10pm (I made these two things about 20 minutes apart)- field roast 200cals + rice noodles 192 cals
Gum @ 4:40- 5 cals
Total: 672 cals

Not bad I guess. I was hoping to only have the field roast for supper, but I was famished after my workout. I did 31 minutes on the treadmill (212 cals) and 15 minutes on the cross trainer (125 cals). I also did some leg lifts and crunches. Burned 337 cals, so a net calorie day of 335 cals. Not too impressed, but I need to get my cardio endurance up before I can burn more. I tend to push myself to hard and injure myself and then not be able to work out for months.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Need a new plan

I feel fat. Gross and fat. Let myself relax on the weekend to throw my mother off the scent (she kept going on about how much weight I've lost, and how good I look, etc). Didn't want to seem suspicious.

Then Monday the parental units met the boyfriend for the first time. So it was stressful and I allowed myself to eat during the course of the day because that is what people seem to do when they meet others.

I decided to say fuck it all and start a new plan once I was back at my own apartment, which is today, but since I started the day at my Dads, tomorrow, which is also my first day of classes, is day one. I'm not sure of my exact rules yet, but I know that I will defiantly have to start writing down every morsel of food that even goes near my mouth. Too much mindless extras. I'm going to work out the details tomorrow.

As for life I'm thinking of getting a second job, as I have no money. Well I have barely enough to cover the essentials and every few months I need to ask a parental unit for money and frankly that's just so disheartening at 25. I may just apply to the grocery store that is about 2 minutes from my apartment. Work a few evenings a week to just help out with the bills and having extra money. I want to visit a friend in Boston for a long weekend sometime, but I just can't save any money with my one job. But then again, I have no free time as it is anyways. I'm always on the go. I may give it a shot for a month or so then decide to quit if it sucks to hard.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Ugh my stomach hurts

My mother is in town visiting, so we are staying at a hotel. It's a staycation for me. My stomach is so full though. I had breakfast (cereal w/o milk, two pieces of toast with jam, and some strawberries, and apple juice) and lunch (sweet potato fries and sauteed mushrooms and onions) and I'm stuffed. It seems like entirely too much food, but I know that the average person eats more. I just don't get how people do it. Can't purge. Though I'll probably take laxatives tonight and wake up at 4 am with the horrible stomach pains and awful shits.

Got a massage this morning. I defiantly needed it. Then Mom and I went swimming. We are currently digesting lunch and going to the gym here for at least an hour, so I'm trying to not freak out too much about the food.

My Mom keeps saying that I've gotten skinny, but I don't see it. I now can kinda see that I'm smaller, but I weigh pretty much what I did the last time she saw me, but I think it has redistributed a bit.

And hello to my new followers. Monday/Tuesday I'll be able to catch up with everyone and say hello.