Sunday, September 12, 2010

I'm so hungry I could cry

Today I decided to allow myself up to 750 calories. Why? Because I woke up this morning and could not get out of bed. I was shaking and nauseous and very very dizzy. It took all my strength and a good 40 minutes to gather myself together and trudge to the scale. 120.2lbs. Wow a measly 0.4lbs down from yesterday. That seemed worth it. I then trudged myself to the kitchen and got this little box of cereal I took from the hotel last weekend and ate that (80 cals + 30 for sugar). Then I trudged myself to the grocery store and bought 2 small potatoes.

Also as a note, when I list things like milk or butter or gravy, they are all always vegan substitutes. I just get annoyed having to write out vegan this or vegan that, as I just think of them as butter, milk, gravy and the regular stuff does not register to me as food.

So today food wise went:
weight @ 9:40am- 120.2lb
breakfast @ 10:00am- dry cereal 80 cals + cane sugar 30 cals
lunch @ 12:45pm- mashed potatoes 168 cals + butter 5 cals + garlic 6 cals + sour cream 60 cals + potato fixings 25 cals
supper @ 5:10pm- hash browns 168 cals + pam 24ish cals + 1/4 cup gravy 104 cals
Total: 682 cals

I eased up on the exercise today, since I keep getting the shakes.
Treadmill for half and hour- 146 cals
Leg Press- 5 sets of 10 each at 45lbs
Inner Thigh- 3 sets of 10 each at 45lbs
Outer Thigh- 3 sets of 10 each at 45lbs
Total: 146 cals (though I should probably figure out a guesstimate with the weight training, but I tend to only count cardio)

Net: 536 cals

My roommate just left for the evening, I'm so tempted to binge and purge. I'm planning on what it could be on. I could do it multiple times. I don't want to give into it though. I really don't. But part of me wants it so badly that it's getting hard to ignore. It's been over a week, part of me is saying do it just today, come on you've already eaten this much, do it. You're a fat fuck you might as well eat.

Also I've decided that when I loose 10lbs I will post a photo of myself. Maybe even with my face, but probably somehow cleverly covered.


  1. 4lbs is great for one day! Don't let it drag you down, stay strong and if the urge to binge persists try eating a little bit, or having a hot drink and then see how you feel?
    You can get through this!

  2. 4lbs sounds good to me :)
    im a vegan too! yeah i get frustrated having to list out the vegan substitutes :)
    i hate when i feel like i have alone time and the first thing i think about is if i can fit a binge/purge session in, ahhh reality.
    stay strong <333

  3. I should probably go back and make it more clear that its .4lbs and not 4lbs (maybe I'll add the zero in).

    I think I've made it past the urge to binge/purge. I chugged a bunch of water so my stomach isn't growling as much, so I'm hoping. The apartment now smells like garlic (the hood vents are all connected so everyone smells what everyone else is cooking) and it is making my mouth water, but I'll probably chug some more water soon, maybe take an appitate supressent and hope for the best.

  4. Take care of yourself sweety, don't push the exercise too hard if you're not feeling well, I think the extra calories will do you good.
    Distract yourself!! find something fun to do! You can resist the b&p urge! you can do it!

  5. Love the picture of the leggings at the top, they're gorgeous! And I'm glad you chose not to b/p! Now you can say you've been b/p free for at least another day and you won't get that awful guilty feeling afterwards too :D It was smart of you to let yourself eat more and exercise less today, you don't want to be getting sick or anything! I can't wait to see the picture, I'm sure you're lovely.

    Love always,

  6. Sounds good, lovely. I'm SO glad you're looking after yourself. It's inspiring. <3

  7. Inspiration :) keep it up, and stay strong with the purging, the feeling after is horrible but the temptation can be overpowering. Good luck :) x