What a waste

I just spent the last oh 3 hours binging and purging. I smell like a lovely combination of soap and vomit. I feel so fucking weak, but also in control while spiraling out of control. Also took a few laxatives early in the binge so I may have to take some more as I'm pretty sure they did not get a chance to absorb. Also took a diuretic and some ephedra so I could stay up and work off what I can't get out. Going to drink some laxative tea too. I binged on Indian food, chocolate cake, vegan buffalo wings and vegan chicken fingers, among other things.

Also going to do my readings for university tomorrow in the hopes of distracting myself from continuing. I have some bad shakes, every time I stand up my vision goes black and I get really dizzy, and my stomach is bloated and distended. I haven't looked at my face for long enough to see if it's really really puffy, but the quick glimpses I've seen it's very red and slightly puffy. No broken blood vessels in the eyes though.

To everyone who wants an eating disorder, I wish they would see the down side. I fucking hate binging and purging. I hate that I can't have a normal relationship with food. That I can't conceive of eating a bagel or chips or cake without freaking out, almost to the point of tears.

But my need to be thin outweighs how horrible I feel right now.