Saturday, September 24, 2011

Le sigh

No weight loss to report. Eating 900-1100 calories a day and I maintain within a 1lb fluctuation. I was hoping it would work. I really was.

New plan:
Eat one meal a day, whenever the boyfriend is around. No eating otherwise. If starving, a banana is safe. As is one cup of apple juice or a box of soy milk. That's it. If I need to snack with the boyfriend, I can have a banana or two rice cakes. I can't take much more of this.

I also may have broken my toe today (dropped a can of apple juice on it). I hope its not, as I need to keep up with my exercise routine. It's only been two weeks, that is not long enough to form a habit. If it is broken, I'll probably do 30 minutes on the bike plus some floor exercises till it heals enough to go back to the treadmill and weight machines. Oh well, time to adapt, not use it as an excuse to binge and purge all day long. Which is so tempting.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

One more day till d-day

And I find out my weight. Well I peeked today, but that doesn't count.

Thank you to both miss alisha and Skeleton Strong for the welcomes back. Skeleton Strong-they suspect bipolar disorder but I haven't been diagnosed yet. The stupid people at community mental health said I have personality disorder not otherwise specified and that I don't need any more help. My doctor and therapist think they are quacks. My therapist wants to refer me to the mood clinic so I'm going to ask my doctor next week to refer me there. Then we should know either way. I'm on abilify because of my delusions and hallucinations, which could mean bipolar. I happen to think that that is what is wrong, as does most people around me.

I spent an hour at the gym yesterday, man I feel really out of shape. I exercised hard in the beginning of the summer and I have slipped so far since then. I could feel my ass jiggling as I ran. EEP. Well I'm going to the gym for a minimum of 3 days a week, and if I can I will try to go at least one other day. Right now I can't afford the learn to run clinic (my mom was teaching me, she is a marathon runner, but I just don't seem to run like she does, plus she lives in another city). I hope to save up for it. Possibly for November.

I feel so much clear headed than I have in ages. I think it's because of the meds. I have been doing really well sticking to my 900 cals a day. I really want to do a juice fast or liquid only fast sometime soon. I just need to come up with a convincing reason for the boyfriend. Perhaps if I explain it as some sort of detox...I'm sure I'll come up with something.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Wow it's been awhile

...sorry, I didn't mean to disappear. I hate when I do that. So Hi! Anyone remember me?

I basically lost my shit again in August, though this time it was depression, not mania. Just wanted to die, and thus did nothing of great significance. I ate a lot. It's going slowly. I'm back to work and school, though I have to keep regular sleep hours. My doctor has me on a antipyscotic, which has a side effect of weight gain.

I've been eating normally or binging for a month, so my plan is to eat my way back down. 900 calories a day is my aim (or under) right now. In a week I'll reassess. I refuse to get on the scale again until Sunday. Tomorrow I join the gym and will go all 3 days of the week that I'm at university. Plus some other daily exercises. Once I get my bills caught up again, I'm going to look into some activity that gets me moving. I may do a 'learn to run' course, but that would involve my mom paying for some actual good runners. She did say she'd do that, but that was a month ago and I never got the money.