Knew it wouldn't last

I was up two pounds this morning. I'm trying to disregard the weigh in because I had a lot of fluids yesterday and salt. Also I had a drink of water this morning before weighing in.

I got my Kitty! I was terrified I wouldn't because I saw she was featured in the paper yesterday as well. OMG that caused  me to break down into tears. So far she's doing good. My Dad's huge cats terrify her, though they are big brutes they are only trying to look at her, but she is still scared. My Molly (also huge) mostly ignores her and is going about her business, which is better than I thought, typically she hides for a good week if she is around a new cat. My BF, Dad, and I all see her being herself as a good thing. I got the Kitten to come upstairs this morning (shes been hiding out in the basement bedrooms) but Jack started walking towards her and she ran back down. Oh well, all she needs is time. And before anyone asks, nope I have not named her yet. I was thinking of keeping the name she came with but the BF really doesn't like that name, so now I can't figure out a name that suits her. I'm thinking of a Harry Potter name because that is where Molly's name comes from (NERD).

I think I'll go for a walk today. I feel up to it. May do that around lunch time, especially since my Dad isn't coming home for lunch today. I need to start exerciseing, but as soon as I start thinking about doing anything my body screams NOOOOO. FU body, I'll do what I like.

Hope

I finally saw 119lbs on the scale this morning. After laxatives. So I don't trust that it is going to last. I'm going to have liquids only today to help. I've also lowered my calorie goal to 1000 but with liquids only I doubt I'll get that high.

I have an appointment with community mental health today. I really really really don't want to go. And I get to be dropped off oh 3 hours early because the buses still aren't running and my Dad has a meeting during the time I have to be there for (and a cab there would cost a good $60). He's going to drop me off at the mall, and I'll walk down at 230.

My lips are very very chapped. From a combination of being sick, and the ED (I know I'm nutritionally lacking) so I've been trying to keep them moisturized, and to stop picking them (so hard). I think I'm getting a bit of improvement.

RAHAFHAFHFHAFHFHSHFSHHFHSAFHAHA

^That was me when I stepped on the scale this morning and weighed in at 120lbs.

I'm literally defeated. My body refuses to change one way or another. I hate how it looks at this weight, I can't stay here.

Hopefully I will have better news for tomorrow. In the meantime, here is some thinspo:

So...

I decided to have a :fuck it day. Ate what I wanted, almost puked at dinner time because I was so full. I feel terribly guilty about it all, but seriously 5 days at the same weight just is doing my head in. I would rather have had a gain to be mad at than maintain for another day. I'll eat those words tomorrow I'm sure.

I'm thinking of moving back into my apartment within the next week or two. I'm still mulling it over in my mind and haven't talked it over with anyone else yet. I think I'll bring it up sometime this week. I also am probably adopting a cat this week. I fell in love with this cat a few weeks ago and today when we went to look at cats she was still there. I had an OMG moment. She is very sweet, and a bit of a Diva like my cat is, only 9 months old, and while she has a heart murmur but is doing fine. I think I'll tell my Dad yes, I would like to go put the paperwork in. The boyfriend liked her too. We've been talking about a second cat for a year now, so it's not like we are rushing into anything.

What is it now, four days?

Stuck at 120lbs. GRAH. So fucking annoying. I even ate more yesterday in the hopes that it might help. And today I'm having drinks with my friend so I have to work out what I will be having in anticipation of that. I'm only going to have one drink, so that should help. But fuck this is getting really fucking annoying. I'm trying very hard not to binge because of it. I started to yesterday but for some reason my boyfriend put on a TV show about exterminating rats/mice/roaches and OMG if that did not stop me faster than anything else before. I was disgusted all day.

This week I'm going to be doing some housework around my Dad's house, ie painting the bathroom, taking down wall paper and painting the living room, probably including the ceilings of the living room and kitchen, and probably my bedroom here as well. And take out some dead plants from the garden, and go through boxes of my shit that is still here. That should count towards some exercise/extra calories burnt.

Me!

This will probably only be up for 24 hours, but here is a picture of me (and my purple hair). I thought it might be nice to give people a face. If you know me in RL please don't mention it. :P

Holding Steady

While I didn't go over 1100 yesterday I didn't loose any weight, but maintained. Better than a gain I guess.

Today I'm dying my hair purple. I'm so happy to finally have gotten most of the dark colour out of my hair so I can do this. I have missed having funky coloured hair for years. I don't feel like me with blond, red, brown, or black hair. I need pink, purple, green, blue, etc. Pink is really where I want to be, but my ends are really holding onto some of the old dye and I can't take my hair looking like it has been for the past oh 4 months of trying to fade it. I'll get it pink eventually, and I wanted to use the purple dye I've had for a year.

I don't have much else to say. My day to day life isn't all that exciting right now. Might go out to supper tonight. Might not. Literally that is the only thing that really changes everyday. I wish the transit strike was over, then I'd be able to go visit people, or go to the mall, or to the gym. Alas I am on their side so I am not going to bitch too badly.

120lbs

FINALLY. I'm back to what I weighed when I left the hospital. That has been my short term goal. Now I just have to not fuck it up. Easier said than done because whenever  I reach a goal or get to a pound or two under I end up binging for days and fucking it all up. I won't this time. I can't. I need to be thinner. My mind is so fucked up that my body needs to be perfect. And I can't be perfect at this weight.

Last night I took some disgusting photos of me in my underwear to keep on my cell phone. I'm so unfit and untoned. I see photos of women who weigh 20lbs more than me (and are my height) whose stomachs are flatter. I need to get that area under wraps.

On a random life note, last night an old friend from high school added me on facebook. I literally had been wondering what happened to him since I haven't heard anything from him or anyone else about him since 2004 or 2005. We're going to catch up on Saturday. It will  be nice to see someone from back then (he said the same thing too). Both our lives have kinda gone to crap and we are both trying to get back to a sense of normal so I don't feel quite so much like a fucked up freaked unlike when I talk to other high school friends.

I might end up going over calories today, but I'm trying not to freak out because I was under by 317 calories yesterday, I just really don't want to see a gain tomorrow.

tic tok goes the clock

I feel too old to be this fucked up with an ED. I feel too young to be this fucked up with other mental illnesses. It's an odd space to be in.

Had therapy this morning, not sure how I feel about everything. Actually that could sum up my head space right now very well. Not sure how I feel at all.

I did get some errands done today, mailed off two packages to friends, last night I even wrote them proper hand written letters on stationary. It was kinda hard because I talk to them online/texting a lot so there wasn't much to say in the letters but I figured that would be a nice touch.

I was 121lbs this morning, and my period has come with a vengeance so no loss is better than a gain. Can't wait for it to be over. I ate about 100 odd calories under my goal for 1100 yesterday which is good, and probably kept me from gaining. I find it easier to eat under my calorie goal when the number is odd. I don't care for even numbers all that much. As it's going today I'll probably be under again *finds some wood to knock on*.

I'm exhausted all the time from the abilify, though I did try to take the cat for a walk yesterday (yes my Dads cat walks on a leash, I can provide a picture if anyone wants to see) but I got tiered and he decided he wanted to go home so it only lasted about 10 minutes. Today is too cold to go out for a walk, plus I'm tiered, but I plugged in the Wii so I hope to play Wii Fit for a bit today. Better than nothing.

I am getting better at commenting on blogs, though not as much as I would like. I have no ability to concentrate or focus lately (which is why my posts have been short. This one I've been making mental notes on since I got up so it's a bit longer) which sometimes means I can't think of anything to say, but I am reading everyone that I follow, especially those who comment (I try to read your blogs first).

I'm bored, so THINSPO for ALL!

Service Canada suuuccckkkkss

Trying to do everything I need to get my sick benefits. Let's just say it is ticking off my anger issues greatly. Once I finish this post I'm off to the phone to try to call them again, but I apparently don't have an access code needed to use the phone service OR set up the online account. Just fucking great.

Down .5lbs today. OH! I almost forgot. I jokingly told my Dad he should give up ice cream for Lent (he is a lapsed Catholic, I'm an atheist for the record) and he said sure. I asked him if he wanted me to give something up too (for support) and he said only if I wanted to. So I said I'd give up chips. I'm like a monster when sweet chili heat Doritos are around. NOM NOM NOM. And now I have an excuse to not eat them (my BF brings them home from time to time because I won't buy them for myself and he knows they are a favourite comfort food, lovely gesture but does not help my waist line). Feel a bit guilty about cultural appropriation, but I am doing this to help my Dad too, and hey, I was born and kinda raised Catholic.

Also dear followers if I'm not following you leave me a comment and I will. <3

121.5lbs

Slowly slowly slowly. Going to cut 100 calories off of what I have been eating today. Stay with that for a few days then go down another 100 etc. I am also going to try to get my bike in working order so I can bike around the  neighbourhood on nicer days, and some nice day this week I'm going to start clearing out dead stuff from Dad's garden (the ground hasn't really frozen here, it's been a mild winter).

I suspect my period to be coming any day now so I don't think I'll see much positive change in the next few days. >:(

Life sucks

I had a horrid day yesterday. Don't know why but I was a complete cunt to everyone. I upset my boyfriend and my Dad, I yelled at both of them for literally no reason. I even threw things. And I couldn't tell you why or what was wrong. I still can't.

I'm back down to 122lbs, which isn't where I was before I started binging, but better than restricting and GAINING weight, I fucking hate that.

On a side note: I know I haven't been following all my new followers, which I would like to correct. If I'm not following you just comment and I will! Promise. A lot of the people I used to talk to on here seem to have left and I would love to get to know new people (and not so new people!).

Thin Thin Thin. Gotta Think Thin.

I'm avoiding going and getting something to eat. So to help myself (and anyone else who may enjoy this) I'm posting some thinspo.