Tuesday, May 1, 2012

I don't like change!

Read the title in Stewie Griffin's voice. Seriously, I disappear for a month and blogger gets all different and weird. :|
I didn't mean to disappear. I just got massively depressed and fat over the course of April. Seroquel caused me to gain 20lbs. Today I am 137lbs. I will loose those 20lbs this month. I refuse to be this size again.

Right now things are in flux. I'm working 2-3 part days a week (about 4 hour shifts) at the daycare. Still haven't been cleared to work at the grocery store. As my doctor, my therapist, and my psych nurse keep reminding me, I'm adjusting to anti-psychotics and recovering from a suicide attempt, I need time to adjust. I just want to get back to real life. My doctor is thinking of increasing my seroquel, my psych nurse wants it lowered. The thing is they don't agree on a diagnosis so they don't agree on treatment. Ugh.

I've binged and purged twice today, and I'll do it at least one more time (as I'm binging and typing right now, go multitasking). I can't keep binging and not purging it. It has caused me to gain 20lbs. Fucking hell.

I have no plan. I'm sure since I'm now requiring myself to purge after a binge I will slow down. I hate purging. I hate it. It's so addictive and releasing. In a few days I will be back to 900 calories a day. I have to eat myself back down. I will get this off. I need to start excerising again. I have no strenght or stamina so I'm starting from square one again. The thought of exercising right now makes me tiered. Not good.


  1. I hate change too :/
    What do they want to diagnose you with?
    Sorry about the b/p :/ just try to take it easy with the restricting so you don't trigger yourself into binging again! I'm sure you will get the weight off, don't worry :)
    Lottie x

  2. Change is horrible =/ Try not to purge :( Restricting is the key! :) The weight will come off! Just be patient with yourself :) xx

  3. welcome back. start slow with the exercise, a little bit of weights mixed with cardio burns twice the calories...two birds one stone! reduce you calories slowly and next thing you know...back on track! you can do it!!!

  4. You should probably try to ease into restricting so you don't end up binging/purging more. And Seroquel is bad about weight gain. I'm on lithium and it can be bad too. I've been on it before and never had problems but now I'm at a much higher dose so I'm hoping I don't gain. I was in a psych ward April 8-15 and did no exercising (couldn't really) and now it's been hard starting again. I'm a lot weaker than I was before and I just don't know where to begin most of the time. Hopefully things will get better for you.

  5. April was a big fucking mess for me to. Lost 12pounds in March and piled it all back on...twice in april. I also took a small leave of absence, just for under two weeks and all of a sudden its all different. I hate change. I feel safer without. Glad your back love <3

  6. New follower, here!

    I'm in the same place, weight-wise as you, right now... I gained 20 lbs over the course of like one or two months. And just like you said, there is no energy for exercise to be found in this ginormous body. The lethargy is the worst! Especially since I feel fine until someone brings up exercise, and then, suddenly I feel like sleeping lol.

    I'll be in this with you, girl!