I'm back,

And wearing fabulous ankle boots. My mom gave me money for some clothes for Xmas, and I decided I needed new shoes like it was nobodies business. I'm going to wear them tomorrow for New Years Eve. I may even be brave and post a picture of me wearing them. I'm currently sitting in my apartment wearing them. I also bought myself a new bra (which is good, as now I have two that fit me). Still have some money left over.

Xmas was okay. Ate a lot of carbs, as that was pretty much all that was available to me. And stress=binging on carbs for me. And it was stressful. I find it odd that when other people take pictures of me I look thin, but on my camera I look really fat.

I also decided that I'm going to be taking Hot Yoga classes. There is a studio here that you can get a pass and go to whatever session suits your time frame/schedule which works great for me. I had looked into dance classes and whatnot, but my schedule is so screwy I couldn't find one that worked for me. I lucked out too, as today my Dad bought me a yoga mat (so $30 I didn't have to spend, or $2 to rent one each class).

I'm still thinking on a diet plan for January, but I have another day to think about it.

I've been reading everyones blogs, I have so much to catch up on! You all write so much.

I'm Alive!

Functioning at least. Seemed to have regained the weight I've lost for my Xmas Goal. Time to turn that around.

I probably won't be on blogger till around the 29th. My Mom is arriving tomorrow, then the next day me and the boyfriend and her are going to visit the family. Where there is little/no internet access. And since the BF and family will be around 24/7 I wouldn't go on blogger anyways. Don't want to get caught and all that jazz.

I hope everyone makes it through the rest of the holiday season without too much stress.

Much love,
<3 Kandie.

busy failure

I'm alive. Barely. Binging and purging seem to be my life now, outside of work. I even have b/p with my boyfriend right there, lying about feeling sick to my stomach.

Part of me wants to get caught so I can stop this cycle. The other part of me is terrified of anyone knowing. It's giving me nightmares. I can barely focus.

I'm gaining from the binging. Not doing enough purging I guess. I need to stop this cycle. I'm unsure of how.

still no news on the lost ipod front

But I have managed to keep the weight off. Weighed in at 117.4lbs this morning. Only a 0.4lb loss from yesterday, but it didn't go up like I expected it too.

I've also finally managed to wash my bedclothes. Something that needed to be done about a month and a half ago. Go me.

I'm going out tonight for the boyfriends birthday supper. We are going to a place were you make your own stir fry (at least that's where we were going last time I asked him) so that shouldn't be too bad.

Ugh, I'm really worried I'm going to plateau like right now. I just need the scale to say a smaller number than what it is right now. OH! Last night I had a dream that my scale was malfunctioning and showing me my weight in Egyptian hieroglyphics. LOL. It was pretty funny when I woke up, but it annoyed the crap out of me in my dream. Serves me right to read archeology magazines before I go to bed.

ugh ugh ugh

I have most defiantly lost my fucking ipod. Which is making me rage. I want to cry and smash things all at once. Earlier I though I lost my keys. With my ipod being gone I almost had a complete mental breakdown in the entrance way to my building. Luckily I found my keys. I can keep my tenuous grasp on my sanity for a little bit longer.

I expect to gain tomorrow. I donated blood yesterday and though my fluids shouldn't be affected too much (and it apparently burns 650 cals) I still think my weight this am was wrong. Speaking of weight, I haven't decided if I'm going to continue on the SGD seeing how this past week has completely thrown me off of it. I think I'll think on it a bit longer. I still have my goal of 112lbs by Xmas.

Bulimia seems to be back full force. Which sucks. I just adore having a slight hint of vomit around myself.

I'm also thinking of switching to my real name on here. I'm going to think on that a bit too, seeing as it could just be a passing fancy.

Woke up

And was 117.8lbs!

Hopefully this trend continues.

I'm not having the best day...

...emotionally that is. I've been on the verge of smashing things then breaking down in tears for no reason. Now that my essay is done my brain is shifting it's attempts to not let me get shit done. I had a emotional therapy session last week, not tears and stuff, but of the fact that I may need to be accessed to see if I'm clinically psychotic. And that has been messing with my head. Because the label is so negative my brain has done what it does best, loosing its ability to focus, and thus me becoming almost inept at life.

Officially weighed in at 120.0lbs. Somehow. Even with my binging. I've taken to purging in the shower, which is dangerous since I slowed up the bathroom sink from puring in it, and our shower drain is super slow. Gotta buy some draino, even if me and the roommate are morally opposed to it. Just nothing we have tried has cleared it up.

Drive By Update

I haven't been allowing myself on blogger because I'm still not done my essay. I just wanted to say I miss you all. And I am staying up all night tonight till I finish it. Because I need to get this done. Since I've been stressing over my essay I've been binging, though I seem to maintaining my weight, which is the best I can hope for weigh in day tomorrow.

Here's to a proper update tomorrow.