120lbs

FINALLY. I'm back to what I weighed when I left the hospital. That has been my short term goal. Now I just have to not fuck it up. Easier said than done because whenever  I reach a goal or get to a pound or two under I end up binging for days and fucking it all up. I won't this time. I can't. I need to be thinner. My mind is so fucked up that my body needs to be perfect. And I can't be perfect at this weight.

Last night I took some disgusting photos of me in my underwear to keep on my cell phone. I'm so unfit and untoned. I see photos of women who weigh 20lbs more than me (and are my height) whose stomachs are flatter. I need to get that area under wraps.

On a random life note, last night an old friend from high school added me on facebook. I literally had been wondering what happened to him since I haven't heard anything from him or anyone else about him since 2004 or 2005. We're going to catch up on Saturday. It will  be nice to see someone from back then (he said the same thing too). Both our lives have kinda gone to crap and we are both trying to get back to a sense of normal so I don't feel quite so much like a fucked up freaked unlike when I talk to other high school friends.

I might end up going over calories today, but I'm trying not to freak out because I was under by 317 calories yesterday, I just really don't want to see a gain tomorrow.