Thursday, September 16, 2010

le sigh

Nothing to report on the weight loss front. Nothing significant anyways. I was going to try to fast tomorrow and Saturday, but that has been shot to shit since I'm spending the night at the boyfriends, then heading to my Dads for tomorrow night, then working Saturday.

Found out tonight that one of my friends is pregnant. While some of you might think that's not such a big deal see as shes 24, it's still a afkjdkghgksjfafj moment. She is in her last year of university. And her boyfriend is moving up to the city without having a job lined up. I know she'll be a great mom, but I know it's going to be very hard for her (also her parents don't approve of the BF, and our job, since it's casual, has no maternity benefits). Little freaked out on her behalf.

I need to get one fasting day in this week. I'm thinking Saturday after work till Sunday or Monday depending, but I tend not to be able to avoid Dad or the boyfriend for more than a few days. I know, that since the boyfriend has not been around to see me at my worst yet, that his is just about wanting to be with me, but Dad worries when he hasn't heard from me for a few days. He knows my isolation and sneaky paranoid anxiety spirals come around easily when I'm by myself for a few days. He has seen the crazy too up close to allow me to stew. Lately all I have been wanting is to allow myself to fall into it. It's inevitable, why bother trying to fight it.

I need some downward numbers on the scale to report here. Feeling fat and bloated today.

On a positive note, I have been noticing more guys checking me out. I don't care what people say, the skinnier you are the hotter you are. Fuck that PC crap.

Ugh today in class a bunch of girls were sitting chopping on crap ass junk food and I got to see it happen since we had to sit in a big circle for a discussion class. I wanted to smack the chips out of the hand of one girl, cause honey, she did not need it. My ED makes me such a bitch. These girls seem nice enough, but I can't seem to connect with larger people anymore. My friends who are larger who I've known a long time, I don't get this reaction with. Random new people, they disgust me on a visceral level. Probably cause they remind me of when I was REALLY REALLY FAT, instead of just the regular FAT I am now. Still kinda makes me feel like crap ass person though.


  1. I know that feeling very well, don't worry you're not alone in your bitchyness! It actually makes me feel physically ill watching/listening to (fat) people eat.
    Good luck with the fast! :)

  2. i feel really bitchy towards strangers and food too! i never knew why though that much, i just knew that they disgusted me and all the fat and toxic waste the junk food they ate had, just was nauseating. sry to hear about your friend, i hope she does well with the pregnancy

  3. I know the exact feeling of bitchiness, but in some ways I like knowing I'm not as fat as them. Thanks for the update :) x