Couldn't get online yesterday

I worked from 6:45-3:45, then went to the boyfriends, then he came over and we made food and watched TV/DVDs. So no blogger time for me.

I didn't purge yesterday and I woke up today 3lbs heavier. Screw you eating disorder. I spend one day eating 'normally' and my body decides to hold onto food like it's nobodies business.

I got a comment on my last post that I know was meant to be helpful, but it's really has bothered me. If I could keep myself from binging and purging I would. It's called having an eating disorder. Right now it's displaying itself with way more bulimic tendencies than not (in fact I believe I meet the criteria for bulimia right now). I know it is going to mess up my teeth. I know each time I lean over the toilet I could rupture my esophagus, or strain my heart into having a heart attack. I know each time I stuff myself with food I could rupture my stomach. I know that taking laxatives can damage my ability to normally poop. I know I'm ruining my body. I just can't stop. If I had control over this I would not have an eating disorder and would not find throwing up what I eat acceptable.

My eating disorder is my slow suicide. I am choosing to not get help for it, as deep down I fundamentally believe I deserve to die. And I deserve to suffer while it happens.