Thursday, September 23, 2010

Couldn't get online yesterday

I worked from 6:45-3:45, then went to the boyfriends, then he came over and we made food and watched TV/DVDs. So no blogger time for me.

I didn't purge yesterday and I woke up today 3lbs heavier. Screw you eating disorder. I spend one day eating 'normally' and my body decides to hold onto food like it's nobodies business.

I got a comment on my last post that I know was meant to be helpful, but it's really has bothered me. If I could keep myself from binging and purging I would. It's called having an eating disorder. Right now it's displaying itself with way more bulimic tendencies than not (in fact I believe I meet the criteria for bulimia right now). I know it is going to mess up my teeth. I know each time I lean over the toilet I could rupture my esophagus, or strain my heart into having a heart attack. I know each time I stuff myself with food I could rupture my stomach. I know that taking laxatives can damage my ability to normally poop. I know I'm ruining my body. I just can't stop. If I had control over this I would not have an eating disorder and would not find throwing up what I eat acceptable.

My eating disorder is my slow suicide. I am choosing to not get help for it, as deep down I fundamentally believe I deserve to die. And I deserve to suffer while it happens.


  1. This is a really sad post and I'm not sure what to say except stay strong, I hope you feel better, and looking forward to the next update. x

  2. I didn't want to bother you :( I'm worry, because i know propably what push you to do those things. I really want to help you! I don't know how - i have no idea ! But all my mind try to figure sth which could change it... I hope you feel better after meeting your boyfriend, i hope he is for you like a little piece of peace and forgetfulness. stay strong.

  3. This post made me cry :( Love you<3

  4. I want to help you, I want to say something that can make it all better, make all the pain go away but I haven't the foggiest idea what! I really admire your honesty and I need you to know that we don't think you deserve a slow painful death. You deserve a blissfully happy life!!! Take care of yourself xxx

  5. I hate how it takes us weeks to lose 3 lbs, and like 2 hours to gain it all back. >:( I think that proves that God is a MAN.

    Stay strong, hun!! Hope you feel better over the weekend. :-*