I felt it today

The little rip in my brain as I slowly loose my connection to reality. I fucking hate it, but I'm welcoming it too. Health is hard after awhile. Being disconnected and depressed is just easier. My boyfriend has noticed a slight change in me. I told him it was going to happen. It happens on a regular schedule (and it one of the reasons why pretty much everyone thinks I must be bipolar).

It happened in the hardware store. Everything was clear and in focus, then suddenly everything has a blurry edge and their is white noise competing with the real word. I was near the saws and all I could think about were the blades carving red lines into my skin. I couldn't get my eyes to focus. Right now I just want to curl up in bed and let death drift me off to sleep.

Logically I know I should be on the phone to my therapist for an appointment, but it's too complicated. I hate the phone. I never know what to say. I keep it on silent so I don't have to answer it. Answering a message is easy, you already know what someone wants from you. Answering it live is just too...complex. Making a phone call is out of the question.

My boyfriend insists he is going to buy me a sun light, in hopes that it will keep the wall of depression that is crashing down on me from hitting in full force. My therapist had recommended one before, but I can never bring myself to spend the money.