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I haven't been bothered to track my intake this week, but I've stayed steady at 125lbs.

I'm breaking down mentally which is why I haven't bothered tracking. I keep cutting. I know I need help but there is none for me to get, unfortunately. So I'm stuck in hell because the mental health care system here is underfunded, I'm hard to treat, and no one is quite sure what is wrong.

Stayed Steady

Really I did. Stepped on the scale this morning and was 125lbs even. So even a loss of .2lbs is better than gaining after two days of not being able to track my food. I'm not really tracking today, but eating back down. 800 calorie day planned for tomorrow.

I also skipped the gym today (as well as class). I just could not be bothered to wake up with an alarm. Slept till 1030 or so, so I'm guessing I needed it.

I've been putting off an overdue essay for 9 days now, so I guess it's time to man up and finish it. So after this is posted I'll probably do that. And watch some weight related shows to trigger me into not eating/binging. We have peanut butter in the house. That is a dangerous thing.

Sigh

Monday morning I was 129lbs. That was a blinker.

Today I was 125.2lbs. A definite improvement but still way to fucking high. Tonight is a date night with the boyfriend, we are even staying in a hotel overnight. Specially prepared supper from his work (he has to make it ahead of time for the night chef to put together, with ingredients that they had on hand so I chose a Penne Vodka). I'm trying to keep calories low today. Then last night the boyfriend was like "we should see a movie tomorrow night too" FML. That means popcorn. And I have a hard time resisting popcorn. But hopefully one day of a higher intake won't fuck me up too much.

Today is D-Day

Weigh in this morning: 127.4lbs (I somehow gained 3lbs overnight, fml)

Plan: 4 day rotation of calories, exercise minimum 3 days a week, must do one household chore per day.

Goal: Week 1 to get under 122lbs. Seems reasonable enough.

I cringe sharing that number with all of you. I'm literally disgusted with myself. I'm digging back out my diet pills. Fuck if they give me another ulcer. I can't seem to do this on willpower alone right now.

I decided to make a goal for Xmas time: 110lbs. If I stick to it (and really don't fall off track) I will get there. I know I can. I can't take being this big. I won't start another year being this big.

ordinary is just not good enough today

Back to work today. First time since last Sunday. Ugh, I'm going to hate next weeks pay cheque.

I've been doing okay food wise. Not the best because I haven't been writing down my calories, only keeping track in my head. I need to log to really do well, and my plan is to start on Monday. Same with the exercise. I'm worried because my bronchitis is really bad so I know I won't be able to run, but I hope to get some cardio in.

I need a plan

Yes a plan. But I have no idea what to do. I can't over restrict (less than 600 a day I say) because I live with my boyfriend and that makes life hard. Hmmmm what to do. I think I will do something like this:

Day 1: 1200
Day 2: 1000
Day 3: 800
Day 4: 600

And keep repeating. I will allow myself to switch calorie days if something important eating wise comes up. Eventually I'd like to drop the 1200 calorie days, but right now I think I need them. Today is Day 1. No more excuses.

Ugh I really need to clean my apartment, it's way messy. If I do that it will defiantly burn some calories. I haven't cleaned the bathroom in over a month. I like to do it at least once a week (ideally 2-3 times) because you can't get clean in a dirty bathroom. That may take an hour or two now to get it perfect. I also need to walk down to the store for diet Pepsi. Whee little bit of exercise. I don't think I'll get to the gym tomorrow (two assignments due, and I know I won't get them done today) but Friday I will defiantly go back.

I'm still horrifically sick but have no choice but to go to classes tomorrow, which sucks. But I can't miss tomorrow because of a group project and I've now missed two english classes in a row. And that is a class I have to pass in an assignment for too. I hope to be feeling better.

Wow I didn't mean to disappear.

Really I didn't. Went a bit manic, got busy with school work. I'm running myself into the ground. Gained 10lbs. Fuck. It's slowly coming off over the past few days. Still way to high. I have been skipping the gym which I need to stop doing. Even the boyfriend told me I'm happier when I get to exercise. But that won't happen today. I'm sick! With a nasty cold. Skipping university even. Which annoys me to no end, but I know I'll just be miserable and wanting to cry and come home the whole time. Better to be miserable on my couch watching TV.

I will be thin. Gotta remember that.