I'm bored, so THINSPO for ALL!

Service Canada suuuccckkkkss

Trying to do everything I need to get my sick benefits. Let's just say it is ticking off my anger issues greatly. Once I finish this post I'm off to the phone to try to call them again, but I apparently don't have an access code needed to use the phone service OR set up the online account. Just fucking great.

Down .5lbs today. OH! I almost forgot. I jokingly told my Dad he should give up ice cream for Lent (he is a lapsed Catholic, I'm an atheist for the record) and he said sure. I asked him if he wanted me to give something up too (for support) and he said only if I wanted to. So I said I'd give up chips. I'm like a monster when sweet chili heat Doritos are around. NOM NOM NOM. And now I have an excuse to not eat them (my BF brings them home from time to time because I won't buy them for myself and he knows they are a favourite comfort food, lovely gesture but does not help my waist line). Feel a bit guilty about cultural appropriation, but I am doing this to help my Dad too, and hey, I was born and kinda raised Catholic.

Also dear followers if I'm not following you leave me a comment and I will. <3

121.5lbs

Slowly slowly slowly. Going to cut 100 calories off of what I have been eating today. Stay with that for a few days then go down another 100 etc. I am also going to try to get my bike in working order so I can bike around the  neighbourhood on nicer days, and some nice day this week I'm going to start clearing out dead stuff from Dad's garden (the ground hasn't really frozen here, it's been a mild winter).

I suspect my period to be coming any day now so I don't think I'll see much positive change in the next few days. >:(

Life sucks

I had a horrid day yesterday. Don't know why but I was a complete cunt to everyone. I upset my boyfriend and my Dad, I yelled at both of them for literally no reason. I even threw things. And I couldn't tell you why or what was wrong. I still can't.

I'm back down to 122lbs, which isn't where I was before I started binging, but better than restricting and GAINING weight, I fucking hate that.

On a side note: I know I haven't been following all my new followers, which I would like to correct. If I'm not following you just comment and I will! Promise. A lot of the people I used to talk to on here seem to have left and I would love to get to know new people (and not so new people!).

Thin Thin Thin. Gotta Think Thin.

I'm avoiding going and getting something to eat. So to help myself (and anyone else who may enjoy this) I'm posting some thinspo.

Time to get serious

I now have a lot of time to myself. Withdrawn from school, and I'm applying for disability (ugh gotta make phone calls for that today). I may work one 3 hour shift per week so I don't feel like a leech on society. So now I can sleep all day, and unfortunately for the past 5 days I just ate and ate and ate (more like binged and binged and binged).

So I'm starting to use my fitness pal again. Right now I'm aiming on keeping my protein up (trying to hit roughly 40grams per day) as it keeps me from feeling like complete shit and from passing out. My body is still pretty week after everything I put it through, and everything the pneumonia has put it through. My bruises from the restraints have finally gone, and my cuts are all closed (though a lot on my leg still look like open cuts but it's just how they healed). My body has lost all my tone and firmness from the gym.

I haven't finally settled on when I'm going to move down from 1200 calories a day to 750. I think I will just play it by ear, seeing as I have started back on an anti-psychotic I'm feeling more able to do little things, like exercise. The buses still aren't running but my Dad said he would be willing to drive me to my gym when he gets off work, so I need to go back to my apartment sometime and get my work out gear.

Yes, I'm still living at my Dads house, and we haven't decided when I'll be ready to go home. Part of me doesn't want to because I hate my apartment. Tuesday was the first day I was back there since the suicide attempt. I had to clean the geckos tank and pick up a few things. That was hard. I was only there for about 10 minutes but it was overwhelming.

Well this rambly post is getting too long. I'm going to try to be on blogger everyday now, since I have the time. I'm getting really shy to comment on peoples blogs because I feel like people probably don't remember me but I'm working on getting over that.

Just existing is no way to live

The problem becomes that I don't want to live.

I don't know how to keep living like this. This overwhelmed me and I tried to kill myself.

People keep telling me I will learn how to deal. I've been trying for 10 years to learn how to deal. Nothing has worked. Nothing has helped.

Pills, therapy, cutting, binging, purging, burning, talking, crying, screaming, kicking, restricting, isolating, socializing, secrets, openness, smacking, punching.

I am just existing. I have no hope for getting help properly this time around with everyones great concern, it seems to be repeating the failures of last summers attempt to get help.