Going to be running around...

...with my hair on fire tomorrow. Work 7-12 at one job, then spending the afternoon with the boyfriend, then working 6-11 at another. I'm hoping to keep on track, though we may end up going out to grab something to eat, but I'll try my damnest to make it healthy.

So on that note I'm going to post some thinspo to remind myself of what I need to do to get what I want.

Getting Back on Track

It's so good to have time to waste on the internet today. YAY!

Also I've decided that now is really the time to get focused again. I've been cutting back on my over eating, but it hasn't totally stopped. But this morning I woke up and said enough is enough. I need to be thin more than I need to eat. It's that simple.

I've also decided that Sundays/the first day of the week I can weigh are my 'offical' weigh in days. These are the only days I will change my official current weight and count any weight loss. I will still weigh everyday as I'm addicted to knowing at every moment exactly what I weigh.

I'm going to post my food log everyday too (well at least every food log for the days that I can get online). If I post early in the day I will come back and edit it all in.

Today:
weight @ 11:55am: 123lbs
Lunch @ 12:15pm: 1 small banana 90 cals, 1 jar of baby food (strawberry) 70 cals, 1 green tea
Snack @ 3:20pm: 3 pieces Inari Sushi 310 cals
Supper @ 6:00pm: 5 veggie dumplings 192 cals, veggies mixed in vegan mayo 85ish cals
Total: 747 cals

All righty then

Midterms are over, I'm kinda getting a sense of how many hours a week I'll be working, and because I've been so busy I've been forced out of my little depressive funk. Which all means I should be back to updating and commenting. I have been reading the past few days but I never seem to a) be able to think of a decent thing to say and b)start writing a comment/blog and have to run out the door.

Food wise I'm doing okay. Eating less, but still too much. It's mostly been locally grown organic food (since that is where I shopped) and that always makes it easier to eat. But that is mostly gone now, except for the lone piece of fruit I bought that now sits on the counter mocking me. I admit I'm scared to eat fruit. All that unnecessary sugar.

I'm also finally over this fall cold that made it impossible for me to work out. I hope to get back to the gym in the next few days. It's only been, oh at least 3 weeks.

I know I know

I've been a horrible blogger/commenter lately. Spank me. I've just been so, well at first I was just in a crazy downward spiral, and now I'm super busy. To the point that I can't even think about how crazy I am.

I haven't really gained/lost. I'm hovering around the 119-121 mark, depending on how often I have taken a dump. TMI but I really fucked my system up with taking so many laxatives so I decided to not have them for a bit. It's been about 2 weeks and I'd give anything to have a nice decent shit. I might just say fuck it all and take some. I feel bloated and fatter.

I figured out that one of the pair of jeans I bought is actually a size 2. And it's the pair that fits me the best. WTF? I am not a size 2. Vanity sizing or something.

My goal right now is to focus on eating healthy foods (I got off track by eating so much junk while restricting) and now I'm eating all the time. It's disgusting the amount of food going into my mouth on a daily basis. Thankfully most has been really healthy and I'm defiantly feeling better because of the nutrients. I'm focusing on cutting out most of the crap, then slowly lowering myself back down. I may start having a jar of baby food for snacks/a meal or two, once I start really cutting down.

I live

barely. I tried updating last week (I think Thursday) but blogger was being a bitch. This is only a quick update as I really don't feel like getting into things tonight, but I thought I should pop in and say something. I failed at my fast after 4 days, due to things beyond my control. Have had a few good heart to hearts with my friend C and finally made an appointment with my therapist. I may push him to send me to get assessed for bipolar disorder since I have all the symptoms and frankly everyone I know believes I have it.

I have a lot of reading to catch up on. I hope to do it tomorrow. Tonight I have a blissful few hours to loose myself in playing God on the original Sims game. Which seems vitally important right now.

Day 3 the second

See posting again. My Dad called me today and had already been for a walk on the beach, driven out to a lookout and watched ships coming in, mowed the lawn, cleaned the shed, kinda washed the car, and probably did things like the dishes, showered, gotten dressed, vacuumed, etc that he does everyday. This was at 330. He then asked me what I did, and I was like "I got myself dressed, and I've brushed my teeth". And he said, with no hint of sarcasm, "That's good for you." It's funny and sad at the same time, it's a reminder that I don't function like normal people.

My calorie total for the day is 330cals. Heading to the boyfriends overnight, hoping he's too poor to want to order food in. I may bring the soup I made tonight with me and offer to share it. Or if we end up doing a 3 am run to the connivance store I'll get a Popsicle. He's working tomorrow (at 3) so there shouldn't be an expectation to go out for a quick meal. Here's to hoping. But I also won't get an empty weight tomorrow. I need to get the boyfriend to invest in a scale. *plots*

I hope everyone is doing well. Whether you're on the fast or just in regular life. Also hello to all my new followers. It's been a bit since I've said hello.

Day 3

I think I may have been sitting around 122lbs when I started my fast (judging by what I weighed at the end of the first day and how I average about 2lbs up by the end of a given day). That said this morning I weighed in at 119.6lbs. I only had about a fourth of a can of beer last night (We were watching a movie and I got too into it to remember that I was supposed to be drinking).

I also think I may end up posting twice today to distract myself. The urge to eat carbs is still around. I am refusing to allow myself to fuck up.

So far I've had:
1 Green Tea
1/2 cup of vegan chicken stock 5cals
3/4 cup of peach juice 75cals
Total: 80cals

Day 2

Still no official weigh in since I wasn't using my scale, though Dads read 120lbs this morning, and I got my period today.

I was going to get up early to do a salt water flush (I find for me they work between 35-45 minutes after drinking it) but the laxatives I took yesterday/last night kicked in at like 530am, so I was up shitting for like an hour, and I hadn't fallen asleep until after 1. So I went back to bed. Got up at 840, had a cup of juice then went to work.

I'm updating now since I probably won't get on blogger later today but so far I've had
Breakfast: 1 cup peach juice 100cals
Lunch: 1 cup soup 100cals
Snack: 1 green tea + 1 diet Pepsi
Total: 200cals

I'll probably have another cup of soup for supper, and may have one beer tonight with friends. I will do a salt water flush tomorrow morning though, since I have no place to go, and don't have to get up early to do it.

I forgot to mention that yesterday I went to value village to buy some jeans (since I'm cheap and can't justify paying good money for jeans that I don't want to fit me in a few months) and ended up getting two size 4s. One fits a bit snugly, but the other pair is loose. Considering the last pants (well shorts) I bought were a 6, and all the jeans I've been wearing are sizes 8-10, I'm feeling pretty good. And I was still a bit bloated last night when I bought them, so I'm hoping that will go down over the next few days.

Day 1

Went okay. I started the day at the boyfriends so I don't know what my weight is sitting at (I'm also ending it at my Dads).

At the BFs: 2 Popsicles (he insisted on getting me something because I was really upset) 120 cals + soup 100 cals

Supper: soup 190cals

Total: 410cals

I've also had a diet coke, some diet Pepsi, and a green tea today. I need to have some more water. And a laxative tea tonight, so I can do a salt water flush tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow I work so it will be some juice for breakfast, soup for lunch, and I'm apparently hanging with the roommate and our friend so we may end up drinking, so I'll probably just have some fake chicken broth around supper and drink lots of tea.

I know a few of you are also doing Hungry for Change, hope everyone is doing well. I've been craving bread all day today. I did not give in though. I know the craving will go away soon. Just gotta force myself to keep going through it. It's so much easier to say no, since I'm not just fasting alone.