Hoppy Easter

...or whatever.

I'm doing okay so far today. I did eat a few Swedish berries, for which I am a fiend, and typically would have a large bag gone in about 4 minutes. So that's a good thing. Dad bought me TONS of candy. AHHH. Also just made the stuffing, using an entire tub of earth balance, about half a loaf of bread and two stalks of celery. I made it early cause we are having so many little things that I want to get a few things done. I had a few sample bites while cooking. Feel fat because of it. Not eating until about 530 or 600 tonight. No meals Kandie. Remember that. Next I'm going to make my 'meat' side dish (beefless tips with onions and mushrooms).

Dad's scale weighed me in at 116 yesterday afternoon and about 117 this morning. Which was weird as I had a horrible bread craving after work yesterday and probably ate about 800 calories of bread with butter and vegan cheese when I got home. Disgusting, I know.

Tomorrow starts the SGD, which will kill me, as I know dinner tonight I will go into BINGE TIME NOAZ mode. And stretch my stomach out. Hunger pains for me tomorrow.

I called the gym, and I do have to pay. The summer term doesn't start till May 1st, so I won't be able to go next week. Alas. I will go when I come home from a funeral next weekend, or Monday, pay and work my ass off. UGH. I need to call my boss on Monday, as I asked for next weekend off (for a funeral) 3 weeks ago, confirmed with her last week, and she still booked me in. It was crazy yesterday at work, told her about the issue, and decided to deal with it on Monday when she wasn't completely frazzled and trying to control chaos (oh my god! the grocery store was closed yesterday and will be closed tomorrow, I need to shop! AHHH! Why weren't you opened yesterday? Why are you guys closed tomorrow? Duh, dumbasss customers, they are stat holidays. We have to be closed or they pay us way to much to be there, and since they are a cheap huge company, they chose to close), I figured not harping the issue would get me brownie points. A few people said they'd take my shift for me if I couldn't get it changed, but I want her to deal with it. It's a funeral. I didn't ask for it off for shits and giggles. AND SHE TOLD ME IT WOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM. They ALWAYS fuck up my time off requests. ALWAYS. I will not let this be an excuse to binge in frustration.

The hardest part is the waiting

Seriously I'd love to just start SGD right now. But I know it's best to wait till monday. I did well yesterday with no food until supper. But we went out to dinner and I probably had 1000 calories. But hey, we would have went out to dinner anyways so not eating during the day helped.

My Dads scale says 119lbs this morning. I don't trust it. It's analog and they lie.

I've had 300 calories today, and will probably allow myself 400 for supper (though if it comes in less, then good for me). I need to get some protein into me. I find when I eat more protein that definatly eat less. It really stops the binges. I haven't been getting a lot lately, which makes the urges to eat worse. So definatly at supper time I'm eating protein. I might eat some beefless tips or mock chicken fingers. All depends on what I plan on having on the side. I'm so indecisve.

I still haven't found a bathing suit I like. One piece or two. I really need to get on that.

Decisions have been made

Starting the SGD on Monday. Not going to have anything but liquids until supper tomorrow. Minimal for Friday. Will have to eat Saturday since I work for 9 hours. Sunday is Easter dinner, but I generally can get out of eating for the rest of the day until supper time.

I will call my schools gym tomorrow, no matter how much the phone terrifies me, and find out if I have to pay or not. If I have to pay I will take $40 my mom gave me for Easter and pay for the gym. I will go back next week.

I can't stand being this fat anymore. I can't do it. It's one stressor I just can't take. I need thin. I need thin like I need air. Food is in the way. So it's gone.

It's been longer than I intended

But alas stress has done me in. I have been working myself into a panic and anxiety over everything lately, and something had to drop and unfortunately this blog was one of those things. But I should be more active. I have two weeks until my summer class starts. And a month and a half until I move in with the boyfriend, so I predict some AWOLness at the end of next month.

Weight is still around 120lbs. I'm thinking of doing the SGD again. And I am defiantly going to start up at the gym. I'm going to aim for 3 days a week to start. Add that to the things I need to do this week. Work up the courage to phone my university's gym. It should be free for full time students, but I was part time first term, and full time second so I'm unsure how they will count me over the summer (it's only $40 for part time students, but I would rather not have to spend the money, I'm so cheap).

I'm about to start scrubbing down my apartment. It needs a serious deep cleaning before we move out, then a cleaning after we get our shit out of here. I'd rather start chipping away at it now than wait. Plus vigorous house cleaning defiantly burns some calories.

Hey

I wrote one essay and talked to my other professor and I'm all good. Except that I may have broken a finger today, so go me. It's making it hard to type, its my right pinkie finger. Which I never realized how much its actually used in typing. Wow this is taking me a long time to write in comparison to how I normally type. I've modified where my right hand is sitting, and my left hand has taken over a few letters but it's all conscious, so it's harder, ya know?

Been doing okay this week. I think I'm sitting around 118lbs, as I binged last night. I burned my mouth. Ugh. I'm starving right now but I don't want to eat anything when there is no one around to see me eat.

Have to write an essay and a take home exam then next Friday I have my in university exam. Then I'm off for two weeks. Then my one summer course for the month of may, then I\m done university for the summer. My phoenix vacation has now been moved to June, so yay more time to get bikini ready. Ugh. So not bikini ready.

Because I can

And because I need more motivation, and I'm procrastinating writing essays.

That's all I have to add today. Will be thinner tomorrow.

I was doing well

Then I binged on Saturday and said fuck it all on Sunday. Now I'm up 3lbs to 120.8lbs. But I'm not going to use that as an excuse to eat more or fall off my plan. I lost 5lbs last week, I can do it again.

Back to 600 calories today. The boyfriend is a bad influence on food, and I need to get stricter with him. Also since I got a good tax return he keeps wanting me to spend money here and there and it adds up. I think I spent $100 this weekend. Had a mini freak out on him last night about it. We've moving in a few months. I need to keep the money so we can pay some deposits. His solution was for me to get a higher paying job. LOL, like that is going to happen in this city. I'm a student without a degree, no place here pays higher than minimum to students other than call centers and they don't work for my schedule.

Have to finish 2 essays by Wednesday. One is weeks overdue, but I hope to get it done today. I started it last night, but didn't care enough to finish it.