All righty folks

Hungry for Change starts tomorrow! I can't wait. I've really binged out the past two days. Last night/this morning was horrible as I was writing an assignment. And by this morning meaning I've been up since 3:30am. See when I get stuck late at night when I have something due, I have to go to bed for a few hours. I went up to bed around midnight, but ended up handwriting part of the assignment in bed as I tend to do that too. Got to sleep around 1.

Yesterday my roommate came home right as I was about to get up and purge the first massive part of my binge (I had already purged once). I had a bunch of food around me and I just couldn't stop so I kept eating it. Then I went to Dads, had veggie sushi, bread, chips and salsa. My stomach has been hard and bloated since midday yesterday. I had another mini binge today.

And I still want to eat. Right now I'm having a supper of crackers and peanut butter to get some protein to get me through the first few days. I'm also having a green tea to help boost my metabolism, and a laxative tea because I'm (TMI) backed up. Took 2 diet pills, and a laxative as well. I just need to get things moving. Considering that I'm 124.8lbs as of an hour ago. I know it's just binge weight, and well, shit. Literally.

As for the fast, I'm planning on a liquids only. Soups and such are going to be allowed because of work, and the ease of just blending into life. I am going to limit it to 500cals a day. I'm hoping to go right till Oct 11th, and break it at supper time (Thanksgiving). Though sometimes Dad and I celebrate a day early, so it's all playing it by ear.

I got a job! Whoo. Well a second job. I start next Tuesday, whee orientation.

I haven't been to the gym in a week because I've had a nasty cold. I could have probably managed today but I had a few errands to run (dropping a letter off at the property managers changing the lease to month to month, getting a bus pass). I also got up off my lazy hobo ass and dyed my hair. No more 3 inches of roots. I tried to pick a colour closer to my natural, as I am trying to grow it out to a certain length so I need to stop destroying it. At least till I get it to where I want (just below my rib cage, though layered). I'm a hair dye junkie. At work people are used to seeing me one day as a red head, then I'll suddenly be blond the next. I like to not tell people what I plan on doing, just cause I get a kick out of reactions (I used to have hot pink hair, and tri coloured, so these people have pretty much seen everything). The kids also get a kick out of it.

it's the waiting that kills me

I just want Oct 1st to get here so I can start fasting.

Also I have a giant bag of tomatoes in my fridge from the boyfriends Mom. I don't like tomatoes, but I don't want them to go to waste. Decisions, decisions. I may make a pasta sauce then freeze it.

I was 120.4lbs this morning. I don't know why, I ate horribly yesterday.

I'm avoiding working on an assignment due tomorrow. I need to go over to my Dads to write it/print it off. I'm way to lazy to leave early this morning.

I think I may have a binge/purge day today. Get it out of my system. It's horrible that I plan these right? I'm fucking sick all right.

I am drugged out of my mind

...on cold medicine. The kind that keeps your pupils from dilating/responding. The kind my Jr.high teacher almost called my mother and told her I was on drugs for (my best friend intervened and told her what I was taking because my mother doesn't believe in staying home from school unless you couldn't physically get out of bed. The teacher still called my mother to tell her I was sick and should be at home). I don't think I should go to class today, but I will because I hate missing class. I haven't done the readings, but whatever, I can wing it. Kennedy era America and class training during early modern Europe are both things I know enough about that I can fake my way through it. I have this little tip: if you know the answer to something the professor asks, say it. Then they won't call on you when you have no idea and no one else does either because you obviously know the topic since you already spoke. Tis how I faked my way through homework and readings since 4th grade.

I can't wait till Friday and starting my fast. I'm thinking 3 days of the master cleanse followed by liquid fasting until Thanksgiving. Then I'll be out of Hungry for change, but may do another 4-5 days of the master cleanse. I told my Dad the plan to fast and he said he needs to fast/detox too. So no pressure to eat form him. Now I just need to worry about the boyfriend.

Still no news on the job front. Oh well. It will happen when it happens. Mom says shes going to deposit some money directly into my bank account, even though my cheque is in the mail. So I will have a bit of flex cash. My payment on my cell phone hasn't been reflected on my account so I'm worried I fucked it up somehow and lost $235. :/ I'll need to figure that out. If it hasn't shown up my tomorrow I will be trying to figure out how to contact Virgin Mobile.

....I just checked and it's cleared! Yay! Now I don't have to think.

I'm at 121.4lbs today. Fuck binging and fuck deciding to not track. I'm slowly working down my calorie counts for Friday, but I'm also trying to eat some of the food in the apartment so I don't binge on it so it's a delicate balance.

Hello Lovelies!

I'm happy to report I'm feeling much better emotionally. Except now both Dad and I have nasty fall colds. I had an interview yesterday and luckily it really didn't hit me until it was over (we were going to go to a movie last night but neither Dad nor me could stand up without swaying around and could barely focus so we postponed it). I prefer being sick around my Mom or Dad versus anyone else so I stayed the night again. Also I work tomorrow and it's just a shorter bus ride from here to work so I might as well stay.

My Dad has decided to really try to loose weight, so we are going to the grocery store so we can make some different foods for him to freeze and reheat throughout the week. He has the tendency to eat the same things or when he doesn't feel like cooking ordering a pizza. I'm determined to make him eat vegetables. This really fulfills the eating disordered foodie in me. I know I will be making him food for freezing even at my apartment.

I signed up for the October fast for Hungry For Change. I won't be able to go past the 11th since that is Canadian Thanksgiving, and I know Dad will want to do something. Even though we never end up eating everything we make, it's more about just the family time. And the cats eating about 80% of the turkey (since I'm a vegan, and Dad just finds it easier to put it on the floor instead of carving and saving it, LOL)

And as I wrote this out I got another call for an interview. The place is much closer to where I live which would be a definite bonus. I will know tomorrow night if I got the job at the first place, so I'm unsure what to do. But whatever, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

hey...

I'm sorry if I depressed anyone with my last post. I told y'all that I'm a bit dark and depressing underneath it all. I'm just in a semi-bad place emotionally right now, with the weather turning colder and I'm stressed out over money. I also know that no one was trying to make me feel bad and it was only my own self hatred coming out over an innocent comment.

Don't worry, I'm spending a few days at my Dads house to help get my head on straight. Sometimes I just need to run home to help reset my mood. I can't afford to go to therapy right now (and I'm stressing as my mother said she'd send me money for it and my cell phone bill, TWO WEEKS AGO, and it hasn't come yet. I'm doubting she sent it, even though I told her when I needed it for). I even brought my cat with me so I wouldn't feel weird and guilty about leaving her alone (though she wouldn't be alone, I have a roommate).

I haven't weighed myself in a few days, and probably won't again until Monday or Tuesday. It's just one more mental stressor that I can't afford to take on. Part of me is itching to know but I just can't bring that disappointment onto myself right now.

I have been reading all your lovely blogs, but I have no capacity to form comments, but I am trying and I am reading. Maybe in a few days I will be able to. I'm hoping.

Couldn't get online yesterday

I worked from 6:45-3:45, then went to the boyfriends, then he came over and we made food and watched TV/DVDs. So no blogger time for me.

I didn't purge yesterday and I woke up today 3lbs heavier. Screw you eating disorder. I spend one day eating 'normally' and my body decides to hold onto food like it's nobodies business.

I got a comment on my last post that I know was meant to be helpful, but it's really has bothered me. If I could keep myself from binging and purging I would. It's called having an eating disorder. Right now it's displaying itself with way more bulimic tendencies than not (in fact I believe I meet the criteria for bulimia right now). I know it is going to mess up my teeth. I know each time I lean over the toilet I could rupture my esophagus, or strain my heart into having a heart attack. I know each time I stuff myself with food I could rupture my stomach. I know that taking laxatives can damage my ability to normally poop. I know I'm ruining my body. I just can't stop. If I had control over this I would not have an eating disorder and would not find throwing up what I eat acceptable.

My eating disorder is my slow suicide. I am choosing to not get help for it, as deep down I fundamentally believe I deserve to die. And I deserve to suffer while it happens.

supermans dead

Weight @ 750am: 118.4lbs
Breakfast: 1 Peanut Butter bar 220cals + 1 green tea
Snack: 1 Laxative tea
Lunch: 1/2 veggie pita 120cals + Chocolate soy milk 150cals
Supper: Mac & Chreeze 330cals + vegan buffalo wings 150cals (purged the BW, as I ate them about 2 hours after the Mac & Chreeze)
Total: 970 cals :(

Exercise: Bike 206 cals + Treadmill 50 cals
Total: 256 cals

Net: 714cals

I would have worked out longer today but my stomach has been killing me after my lovely combination of a massive Binge/Purge last night (probably around 1500-2000 calories) and the laxatives and diet pills. So it was eithe stop exercising or puke all over the lovely equipment.

In all honesty I'm probably not done eating today. My roommate is busy in her room with loud music playing so I don't feel like she can hear me throwing up. Plus I told her I may throw up because of my stomach so even if she does catch me it's no big deal.

I just want to say a big thank you to my commenters, especially the ones who commented on my last post (Mindy, Sarah, and Harley). You guys give me so much support and I love you.