we rise again

Hey everyone. Feeling much better these past few days so I should be back online. My uncles funeral won't be until the spring because the ground is frozen, but he's now been cremated and my aunt got a nice urn for him so hes not just in the plastic box that he was sent home in. So some of that stress is off of me now.

I'm back into restriction mode. I was up to 126lbs, but I'm now down to 121lbs. Still taking off the damage but it's happening.

I'm heading to phoenix in a month and I desperately want to be 112lbs by then. I'm going to be wearing a bathing suit (speaking of which anyone have any good sites you like to order bathing suits from. Shipping to Canada is a must though. I really want to try to be confident enough for a two-piece).

Not really following any diet plan, other than trying to avoid grocery shopping as I have so much food stocked in my cupboards. Just trying to keep it under 500 cals a day. Once I'm safely back into the teens I'll probably go back to my serving system.

I'm around. Just too horribly depressed to update or comment. I'm loosing the weight slowly. I may fast next week for a few days. If I don't end up locked in a ward because I am literally unraveling. I'm starting to scare myself.

self distruction is fun

Woke up this morning, got high, took a bunch of diet pills, drank, binged (ate an entire pizza and half a loaf of bread) purged, and now am avoiding getting ready for work. FUN.

All I needed to add in was some self harm (which was/is very very tempting) but I'm resiting.

I finally got around to seeing Black Swan. I didn't find it ED triggering, even with the purging. I guess I didn't find Natalie Portman that thin, nor did they show many full body shots of the dancers. More SI and suicidal thoughts triggering.

I also dyed my hair a dark brown. I love it. Last time I dyed my hair brown it was red based and I hated it. I felt so mousy (even though I love having red hair). I think I may keep this colour for a few months. I also gave myself a hair cut (just took an inch and a bit off the ends and re cut my bangs into a proper side sweep).

Also I gained 5lbs on my metabolism reboot. Lost about 2.5 lbs, so most of it must have been water weight. Haven't exercised since Thursday, readings from my professors have been kicking my ass (130 pages per class generally) along with working. And the BF lost his job so I spent the weekend with him to keep him from getting too depressed. And we both binged ate all weekend long. The amount of money we spent on food was disgusting.

Metabolism Woes

I know my metabolism must really be dead since I've been restricting to under 700 cals a day since Jan.2 (minus a binge or two) and I'm MAINTAINING. So I've decided I need to eat a bit more for a few days, trying to get out of starvation mode. I'm purposely trying to not count my calories, and listening to my body when I'm hungry. Did okay yesterday, doing okayish today (didn't eat before yoga so now I'm STARVING). I hope to end this on Monday AM, but if my weight goes up more than 3lbs, I'm ending there.

And to motivate myself as to why I have to do the thing I hate doing most I'm posting a bunch of thinspo. As I need my metabolism to work if I ever want to look like this:

crazy, but thats how it goes

I had a flip out on Thursday. I nearly broke my window by throwing a book at it. I kicked my front door. I screamed. And I had no trigger, nothing pissed me off. I haven't been sleeping well since my uncles death, and since learning more details it has gotten worse. It has defiantly triggered me. I refused to sleep in my room last night at my Dads house, so I spent the night on the couch, when Dad got up he sent me to my room, which was okay because it was light out and the 'demons' wouldn't get me. I have strange OCD racing thoughts about demons and they sometimes cause me to stay up or to sleep with a TV or lights on, or to sleep in a different room so they can't get me. It's horrible for me, since I'm an atheist and theoretically don't believe in demons but tell the crazy me that.

So I binged on Thursday, did okay Friday till I told my boyfriend to make me spicy fries, then yesterday I did okay but b/ped my supper as I went out to a friends birthday dinner.

I also started my hot yoga classes. I love it. I've only done two classes and I love that it actually makes me sweat, and it helped loosen up my back which is always in knots. On the downside my core is really weak, as are my thighs so some of the poses hurt, but I generally can hold them. I might not get back there till Thursday, though Wednesday night I might try to skip over there.

Today I've had 391 cals, way better than I expected. I may have something else latter but I'm not hungry. I  had to force myself to have supper.

The beat goes on

First off I haven't welcomed my new followers in awhile. I typically quickly check to see if you have a blog, but sometimes blogger doesn't load them for me. If you want me to read along (and I'd love to) and I'm not following you yet, let me know and I will. I'm not the most active commenter but I do read and try to comment. I'm just really oddly neurotically shy online (I think no one wants to hear what I have to say).

Along those lines, I'm never sure how to respond to my own commenters. Which has left me essentially not responding. What do y'all like? Me responding in the comments, or in another post? Or even back on your blog?

I had a decent day today. Ate 632 cals, but it was kinda mini bingey (I gave into a veggie burger at university and after a nice supper of grilled asparagus I felt ravenous so I made myself two little pizzas on an english muffin). The good news with this (and warning TMI time) is that I finally had enough food in my system to poop. I'm like an infant, I eat then I poop (it's how a healthy bowl is supposed to work) but when I restrict I defiantly don't eat enough at one time to cause that to happen. I was actually contemplating my laxatives but now I can avoid that for a few more days. I had only lost part of a lb this am which bummed me out, but I should be less now that I took a decent shit.

...oh the classy things I write about.

Heading to the boyfriends tonight. I promised him kinky sex if he (finally) cleaned his kitchen. He lives in a bachelor and the kitchen area was disgusting. I have a really severe mold allergy and I couldn't touch anything in the sink since there was mold in there. He also had ran out of dishes. So it better be clean. Unfortunately I won't be able to get my weight tomorrow morning. ACK. He kinda wants to loose weight too, I may talk him into getting a scale.

OH! I almost forgot. Today in my religious studies class there was this beautiful, stylish Chinese exchange student. She's on the wait list and may not make the class but it was very nice to see such beautiful thinspiration in real life. She had on the most amazing thigh high, high heeled boots, and a long stripped sweater with glittery buttons. 100% my style. I hope she stays in the class, as she was really nice too.

So far...

...I won't say so good as I will jinx myself.

I've been doing really well on my new eating plan. A few basics from it: max of 735 cals per day. Max one serving of protein, one 'dairy' (soy milk), 4 serving veggies, 3 serving fruits, 2 carbs. These add up to more than 735, but they are what I work in, and can't go over their limits. Also I can only have bread or potatoes twice a week, and rice one other day of the week.

I was going to make myself a nice 200cal stir fry for supper when I got home, but as I made it, I couldn't bring myself to add more. I ended up with just mushrooms and tofu with garlic and some spices. It was delicious and very filling. Took me about 40 minutes to finish it. My grand calorie total for today is 462.

Also I'm down 3lbs. Woot.

Haven't started yoga yet, I'm going on Wednesday to get my pass, hopefully with a first class on Friday afternoon, or Saturday morning. But ASAP. Classes start up tomorrow so I'll have less time to eat crap and binge.

It's New Years Day

In case anyone wasn't aware. LOL. Pretty much everyone today is talking about it.

I ended up not getting any pictures of my shoes (and spent a good portion of the night with my outfit covered by the boyfriends hoodie as I was freezing). But I will take a picture and show everyone soon.

I decided a few days ago that my resolutions would start on the 2nd, not the 1st, just so it didn't seem so resolution-y. I personally don't like to make them. However I need to get my eating back on track. My boyfriends mom gave me a beautiful journal which I'm going to use not only as a journal, but a weight loss tracker, and a thinspo book. I typically keep them all separate. But I think I'll do better when they are all in one.

Right now my resolutions stand as:
-Exercise 2 times a week at hot yoga (more if I can)
-Exercise 3 times a week on top of the above (IE more hot yoga classes, running, walks, floor exercises)
-Bread/Potatoes can only be eaten 2 days a week (one or the other)
-Rice one day a week, not on a bread/potato day
-Salt water flush twice a month
-Drink 8 glasses of water per day
-Monitor calories and fat intake
-Record my measurements once a month (first day of the month is preferable)

My Dad called me last night to say that my uncle (who isn't my uncle, but my dads older cousin) was found dead yesterday. He was probably there for a few days. They think natural causes (he was in his late 70s). He lived on the other coast, and while family members know that he wanted to be buried back home, his sister days unless he had already paid for it, shes not doing it. Either way there is probably going to be a memorial service which I already told my Dad that I would go to. I'm pretty sure I can get it off work if/when it happens. If my boss is in tomorrow, I will mention it to her, put the bug in her ear so to speak. I'm not going to say my second cousin died, but my uncle, since he is one of the few members of my Dads family that I actually know (IE met him more than once, and knew him growing up), and I want to be there.