Sucess, at least small

First something for Mich, I will post pictures of the clothes I bought. H&M is being a bitch and I can't find the pictures online, so I'll take my own, text time I'm actually in my apartment. I'm currently wearing the dress though.

Also my modified 2-4-6-8 seems to be working well. I've only lost a pound since Thursday, but my scale could be messed up since I haven't shit since Thursday either, and I ate way to much bread last night (I'm guessing around a 1000 calorie binge). But since I'm poor till Thursday (less than $20 in my bank account) and so it the BF, it will make binging ny on impossible. Also my clothes are fitting better because I'm no longer bloated from the horrid amount of salt I eat. My nice (not my really really warm sport coat I wear when its -a billion out but the military style one I got from H&M [see a pattern?]) does up really easily now. When I'm all salt bloated its a struggle to do it up.

I'm hoping by Friday to be a solid 119lbs. Currently sitting at 121.8lbs, so it shouldn't be too hard to loose 2lbs by Friday.

New Jeans

New Skinny Jeans from H&M, and a pretty yellow dress. I finally got to the mall to use my gift card from Xmas time (and I still have $31 on it, woot). Sucks as they are a size 6, but I find they run small (all my size 4s from other stores are too big). The fours almost fit, just a bit to tight, and hard to do up.

Still not sure what I plan on doing eating wise. Now that I know the boyfriend is aware I need to be sneakyer. I'm hoping to start weaning myself off needing to grab something to eat at work, cut back on those portions, as that takes up a good part of the day where he can't see that I'm not eating.

I may do a modified 2-4-6-8 plan, since I have done well on that before. But that was straight out following it. I may do the 2-4-6-8 when I have days by myself and just follow those calories counts, and for days when I'm with the boyfriend/ my Dad, I can add one meal on top of it. And I need to start exercising again.

Bathing suit time is fast approaching. If my trip comes through for May it's coming way sooner than my body would like to admit.

apparently...

...the boyfriend knocked over one of my journals a few weeks ago and found out about my eating disorder. Last week we had a whole ordeal, and I had to admit it out loud to him. I'm unsure how I feel about it. I told him if he told anyone I couldn't handle it, and I'm not ready to get better. He said okay. I said I don't want to talk about it, and he said we'd let the subject drop for now, but it's not off the table completely. Since then I haven't spent much time out of his company. I think he's trying to make sure I eat, even if it's complete crap safe food (lately it's been vegan yogurt).

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow (they opened up an extra day this week and called me). Things I need to talk to him about (and not just say fine for how I'm doing):
-not sleeping due to demons
-self harm thoughts
-return of the suicidal thoughts
-anxiety getting out of hand, and if I should be on meds
-should I be evaluated for psychosis.

Is it break time yet?

I desperately need a break from school. Luckily next week is reading week so yay. But boo today I have a midterm (in oh an hour and a half) that I am going to bomb. Also didn't finish a paper that was due Monday. I aim to get it done for tomorrow. I had a panic attack at university on Monday and couldn't even go to the class. I literally ran out of the building and hid at my boyfriends for a few days.

I did finally make my appointment for therapy, but its not until March 8th. Few more weeks of being crazy with no one to talk to ahead.

Also I finish my antibiotics on Thursday so I can finally stop having to eat 2 largish meals a day to avoid horrible stomach pains and puking. Also discovered a new found love for vegan yogurt. We sell these tubs (680grams) at work which I worked out the calories for the whole thing to be 717, and my brain was like "Why not just eat one of these a day!" I probably won't do that, but still. It's tempting.

And now back to cramming for my mid-term!

Time to move forward

Tomorrow I will call my therapists office. I will go back and set up appointments to possibly be diagnosed psychotic. I need to tell him that I literally slept about 2 hours every night for the month of January out of fear that demons would kill me if I slept. Or that I see them all the freaking time. So if I don't do it. Kick my ass.

Not sure what I weigh today. Probably won't have an accurate weight for a few days. Which is driving me nuts. Well more nuts. Need to up my exercise.

I need to be bathing suit ready for May. As my vacation has been tentatively rescheduled for then.

I'm doing okay food wise. Eating too much for my liking, but not binging. I'm thinking of doing the master cleanse for a few days over my break (last week of February). Not the whole week, but 3 days. 3 Days will be seen as a normal detox, not a problem. Yes I think I shall do that.

trying to find the words

First off, let me say thank you to everyone who commented on/read my last post. You're words meant/mean a lot to me. I've been trying to post for a few days, but nothing seems significant enough.

I've been restricting the past few days, no binging or puring. Though I did eat a lot today because of stress (way to TMI to share on here). I'm now on antibiotics for a week (twice a day) that need to be taken with food (I took my first one on a full stomach and it was a bit rough still) so I'm hoping it won't make me gain. I don't want to purge because I want this damn infection gone.

I've made a goal of trying to reach 112lbs by the end of this month. I believe I can do it. Especially since I've basically been subsisting on diet pills and diet pop. And apples. I finally found a type of apple I really like (it's not that I don't like apples, I've just never found a kind that made me want to eat them. Made me crave them), I picked up ambrosia apples the other day as they were the cheapest and I heart them muchly.

I've been reading everyones blogs, but not having the time to properly comment. I'm going to try to rectify that.

I believe I'm going to fuck around with my blog layout tonight. So if something is really wonky while you read this, that's me! I tend to make the blog look awful before I get it looking decent.

Bulimia Sucks

It sucks while you blow chunks.

I'm not making light. For the longest time I only fit the criteria for EDNOS (nothing wrong with that) but for the past few months I've known that I'm technically bulimic. I meet the criteria, I fit the mold, so to speak. I binge and purge several times a week (and often purge and eat, and purge and eat, and purge and eat, for hours on end). It's uncontrollable. I often will walk into the kitchen for something to drink, and suddenly I'm shoveling every morsel of food into my mouth, making 3 meals at once. Or I go for a walk, and I end up at the grocery store and spend $60 on all sorts of binge food, that is gone within an hour. And I do that about 4 times a week. I HAVE to work 3 jobs to afford how I eat.

And what is really, really sad? I don't particularly feel the need to stop. I know I'm slowly killing myself. Purging puts so much strain on the body. My stomach can stretch so much to hold the food in I'm constantly scared it's going to rupture. I abuse laxatives, diuretics, and it's only because I'm so fucking poor that I don't buy enemas or ipecac. I also abuse diet pills (ephedra, etc), I stack. I take the long way while walking. I always carry a heavy bag, even when I don't need the majority of the stuff in it because it burns more calories. I keep myself awake longer to burn more calories.

My hair is lifeless. My skin is terrible. My gums bleed very easily. The roots of my teeth are becoming exposed. My throat always hurts. I get ridiculously excited when I take a shit what doesn't require laxatives. I get constipated so easily.

Why am I saying all of this? I feel the need to be honest. Sometimes people (on blogger and in real life) seem to think that purging is an easy way to loose weight. It takes over so fast. My body has a very hard time digesting food, as it's not used to it. Sometimes I feel like a fake because, let's face it, I haven't lost any real weight since I started this blog. I can't stick to a fast. I can't stick to a diet plan. As my NEED to binge is out of control.

I have an eating disorder. I don't want to stop. I would love if I could give up bulimia, but only if I could be anorexic. That's the only way I could stop this. I'm not actively trying to stop it anymore. There is no point. I have plans to up my exercise to burn off the calories I can't get out while purging. Sad, ain't it?

I'm really a pathetic person. Who will probably die of this disease. I've accepted that. Maybe one day in the distant future I'll change my mind. Who knows. For now, I blog.

another heartbreak

I had a health scare last week. Been getting horrible heart palpitations, and pain, with dizziness and lightheadedness. So I freaked out. Been to the doctor, we are working on things etc. Till I got into my doctor I made an attempt to eat normally. No binging, no purging, no restriction. It was really hard. I was tempted the whole time to either binge, or to throw out what I was eating, or to purge after I ate.

Now, since I've been ordered to rest for the rest of this week (no work, which sadly equals no money for this week, though Dad said he'd help with my bills since that will keep me home). Which means I shouldn't need to eat as much.

I'm unsure what I weigh right now, when I have checked it's been holding steady at 121lbs. So I think my metabolism is actually working right now. I hope to try to keep to around 800cals (to stave off binging) and doing about a half hour of exercise a day. This week it has to be light exercise since walking places is making me huff and puff (as is going up and down the one flight of stairs to my apartment, on top of the heart thing, my doctor thinks I'm getting a chest infection).

On a sad note, my trip to Phoenix was cancelled since my Moms vacation was cut into and she felt it wasn't worth her time. Which has royally pissed me off. I'm literally so angry I could cry. But it's not the first time the military has fucked me over and it won't be the last. I really needed a vacation, which she does not get. So she would have had a 7 day vacation instead of a 12, but apparently that wasn't worth it to her. But she plans on going at the end of March, but I told her that doesn't work for me (hello end of term) but whatever, as long as she gets what she wants.