Sunday, February 6, 2011

Bulimia Sucks

It sucks while you blow chunks.

I'm not making light. For the longest time I only fit the criteria for EDNOS (nothing wrong with that) but for the past few months I've known that I'm technically bulimic. I meet the criteria, I fit the mold, so to speak. I binge and purge several times a week (and often purge and eat, and purge and eat, and purge and eat, for hours on end). It's uncontrollable. I often will walk into the kitchen for something to drink, and suddenly I'm shoveling every morsel of food into my mouth, making 3 meals at once. Or I go for a walk, and I end up at the grocery store and spend $60 on all sorts of binge food, that is gone within an hour. And I do that about 4 times a week. I HAVE to work 3 jobs to afford how I eat.

And what is really, really sad? I don't particularly feel the need to stop. I know I'm slowly killing myself. Purging puts so much strain on the body. My stomach can stretch so much to hold the food in I'm constantly scared it's going to rupture. I abuse laxatives, diuretics, and it's only because I'm so fucking poor that I don't buy enemas or ipecac. I also abuse diet pills (ephedra, etc), I stack. I take the long way while walking. I always carry a heavy bag, even when I don't need the majority of the stuff in it because it burns more calories. I keep myself awake longer to burn more calories.

My hair is lifeless. My skin is terrible. My gums bleed very easily. The roots of my teeth are becoming exposed. My throat always hurts. I get ridiculously excited when I take a shit what doesn't require laxatives. I get constipated so easily.

Why am I saying all of this? I feel the need to be honest. Sometimes people (on blogger and in real life) seem to think that purging is an easy way to loose weight. It takes over so fast. My body has a very hard time digesting food, as it's not used to it. Sometimes I feel like a fake because, let's face it, I haven't lost any real weight since I started this blog. I can't stick to a fast. I can't stick to a diet plan. As my NEED to binge is out of control.

I have an eating disorder. I don't want to stop. I would love if I could give up bulimia, but only if I could be anorexic. That's the only way I could stop this. I'm not actively trying to stop it anymore. There is no point. I have plans to up my exercise to burn off the calories I can't get out while purging. Sad, ain't it?

I'm really a pathetic person. Who will probably die of this disease. I've accepted that. Maybe one day in the distant future I'll change my mind. Who knows. For now, I blog.


  1. Oh god. Oh Kandie, I read this post at the right time. I feel every ounce of your pain. I have never been able to relate so much to someone. I'm the exact way. I wish I wish I could stop the bulimia and just "switch" to anorexia. But it's not so simple. I know. I know. Please, hold on tight. I don't know what to say to make you feel better. I can hardly keep myself together. But know that you're not alone. Know that I care about you. Know that one day it'll all end, whether it be in recovery or death. I hope you stay strong.

  2. I do the same binge... unfortunatly I cannot purge, I cannot make myself sick, I try and I try. I'll drink glass after glass of water, stand, use fingers, toothbrushes, anything, and it's like my stomach clamps, and I cry as I do it, feeling like a failure for trying, feeling like a failure for eating, feeling like a failure for failing.
    Stay strong

  3. You're not pathetic...
    We all have issues and we have to live with the reality of it. The people who thinks it's glamorous doesn't know what it's really like...and I've spent ridiculous sums of money on food to.
    It's not cool, I could go shopping or save them for traveling but instead...I chose not too.
    You have to be strong to work through it and I truly believe that at one point in our lives we can/will recover. There has to be more to life than this...but for now, I'll settle.

  4. You must get help! To die from this and destroy your body is not worth it. I feel so sad for you. This post is a reminder to me that it is good that I am unable to purge. It's just one less danger since I can't physically make myself do it. I'm forced to restrict. I used to wish I could but I see that it's not a good thing. Please, do something. You really need to finds some will to fight through this.

  5. Purging most certainly isn't an easy way to lose weight. I know that, even when I do purge. But it is a highly, highly addictive behavior, and it takes help to stop. It sounds like maybe you are ready for that help. I encourage you to seek it out, but hope that you don't find me so hypocritical in doing so that you discount my credibility. You can be strong. You can be new. You can leave purging behind. If you are ready to do so, then I wish you strength and determination!


  6. you're not pathetic at all.
    i'm not bulimic but i really feel your pain...not being able to control myself or feel like i can get anything right. you need to make a plan for tomorrow and try and make it happen. and at any point if you slip up don't give up and fall back into the habits, keep going. i know you can do it. stay strong xx

  7. I feel you and I know exactly where you're coming from. I swear I go through phases where I'm great at restricting and then phases where all I do is binge/purge. During my b/p phases I NEVER lose weight, in fact it's usually when I'm at my highest and yet it's so hard to stop. I understand.

  8. I admire your honesty. I know there's little point in trying to convince you because you don't want to stop but sweety- you have to know you're worth more than this. You're a gorgeous kind person, there is NO WAY you deserve this. When you want help, I'm here- laden with healthy vegan recipes and a shoulder when you need it. I'll help any way I can- just ask! take care- please xxx

  9. I feel like you've been speaking about me. I' don't abuse any type of substance or spend a lot on ood, for the simple fact that I'm broke ass broke, but I know I would if I could,. I know that I've been binging and purging several times a week at least 4-5 and sometimes several times a day too. Though I'm still considered Anorexic (purging/Binging subtype)Its a deadly cycles, its not a real way to lose weight, it sucks in every way. But no one deserves to live this way, not you, not me. Stay strong hun, you deserve happiness and health, much love<3

  10. I feel so so strongly towards this, for months i thought it was just a phase and eventually il stop and live normal and healthy again... but the more and more my parents talked about it, the more i saw counselors the more real it got. Finally i am able to admit i am bulimic. I HATE IT so much, id do anything to give it up, when i binge and binge i just cant stop myself, its like i get a rush and a thrill everytime i do it, i dont even remember what i eat or what it tasted like and suddenly my stomach is about to explode. I feel so ashamed and so guilty, i feel broken and torn inside, i feel gross and yuck CONSTANTLY... where has my life gone.. I hate thisssssss HELP ME someone