Grumble Grumble Grumble

Three days of eating? Gain three pounds. Gotta fix that ASAP. I want to be 120lbs or under for sunday. I am taking my diet pills again. I will not eat unless I'm with someone. And only once a day. No snacks. No eating at work.

I think I'm going to start an ED twitter and tumblr. When I do I'll post the info here for people to follow.

125.4lbs

Slowly creeping down. Slowly. Slowly. Slowly.

I have my Xmas work party on Sunday night. My stomach is too big for my dress. The boyfriend offered to buy me a new dress. I still might try to find a new one, and save this dress for new years when hopefully I'm a lot smaller than I am now.

I need to break through my current plateau of 123ish pounds. I can't seem to get below it. I need to trigger myself into not giving in. I'm going to watch a bunch of ED related stuff which always seems to work. As well as just putting on the windows image viewer and watch my huge thinspo folder flick by on my screen. Never want to eat again after I do that.

New Month, New Start

Glad to report that my mania seems to be under control. I'm no longer believing that I'm immortal and that I need to attempt suicide so I can know what death is like. When mania ends you get the lovely sensation of having been completely off your rocker. Like WTF kind of thought is that? Also I got a ton of new scars. As cutting up my body made sense because it didn't look right with a pattern on it, like a zebra or a tiger. See, crazy thoughts. I'm pretty sure I just pissed off my therapist too, I was very difficult. I went from crying, to raging, to not talking, to laughing manicly over and over again. Whee fucked up ness!

So new month, new start. I'm 126lbs today. Way behind my goal to be 110lbs by Xmas. Today is also payday. Going down to the store to buy supplies for the Master Cleanse. I'm not doing the diet traditionally, as I will allow myself some nights of having a small supper (less than 400 calories), but if I can get away with not eating, I won't have anything.

I'm so far behind in university work. Damn fucking mania. Gotta get on that. Also gotta get my ass in gear today. Got a bunch of errands to run, and I must shower first.

...

I haven't been bothered to track my intake this week, but I've stayed steady at 125lbs.

I'm breaking down mentally which is why I haven't bothered tracking. I keep cutting. I know I need help but there is none for me to get, unfortunately. So I'm stuck in hell because the mental health care system here is underfunded, I'm hard to treat, and no one is quite sure what is wrong.

Stayed Steady

Really I did. Stepped on the scale this morning and was 125lbs even. So even a loss of .2lbs is better than gaining after two days of not being able to track my food. I'm not really tracking today, but eating back down. 800 calorie day planned for tomorrow.

I also skipped the gym today (as well as class). I just could not be bothered to wake up with an alarm. Slept till 1030 or so, so I'm guessing I needed it.

I've been putting off an overdue essay for 9 days now, so I guess it's time to man up and finish it. So after this is posted I'll probably do that. And watch some weight related shows to trigger me into not eating/binging. We have peanut butter in the house. That is a dangerous thing.

Sigh

Monday morning I was 129lbs. That was a blinker.

Today I was 125.2lbs. A definite improvement but still way to fucking high. Tonight is a date night with the boyfriend, we are even staying in a hotel overnight. Specially prepared supper from his work (he has to make it ahead of time for the night chef to put together, with ingredients that they had on hand so I chose a Penne Vodka). I'm trying to keep calories low today. Then last night the boyfriend was like "we should see a movie tomorrow night too" FML. That means popcorn. And I have a hard time resisting popcorn. But hopefully one day of a higher intake won't fuck me up too much.

Today is D-Day

Weigh in this morning: 127.4lbs (I somehow gained 3lbs overnight, fml)

Plan: 4 day rotation of calories, exercise minimum 3 days a week, must do one household chore per day.

Goal: Week 1 to get under 122lbs. Seems reasonable enough.

I cringe sharing that number with all of you. I'm literally disgusted with myself. I'm digging back out my diet pills. Fuck if they give me another ulcer. I can't seem to do this on willpower alone right now.

I decided to make a goal for Xmas time: 110lbs. If I stick to it (and really don't fall off track) I will get there. I know I can. I can't take being this big. I won't start another year being this big.