I'm the worst girlfriend ever

I purged at my boyfriends house last night. I binged on some potato wedges. And of course my stomach was stretched to the limits (it was actually hard to the touch), and something came over me. I started saying how I thought I was going to be sick and that bile was rising up my throat. The BF sends me to the bathroom and wham, bam, thank you mam, I stick my fingers down my throat and up it comes.

I'm also spending this week at my Dads house, with his analog scale which I'm never quite sure of my weight. My mother is supposed to fly in on Friday night, but we might get hit by a hurricane so my weekend is all up in the air. I'm trying to be good this week by not purging, and I did well yesterday restricting until the binge at my boyfriends. Tonight I have a dinner with work and part of me is terrified that I won't be able to purge at the restaurant (as I know the restaurant, a lot of stalls and a lot of co workers=no chance). I don't want to have to take laxatives when I get home, but I know I'll be so stressed about it that I'll end up doing it.

Everything you didn't care to know or even bother asking...

A big Hello to my followers. I'm actually surprised anyone would want to read what I'm writing. I'm grateful for everyone of you. I really do read all your blogs, it's just sometimes I get really shy and have no idea what to say what won't make me sound idiotic. I also convince myself on a regular basis that everyone hates me so I better not say anything.

I thought I may tell you all a bit about myself. In question (that no one has asked, lol) and answer form as that is what I feel like. And I like to pretend that others would be interested enough to ask. Let me have my delusions. They are great company.

Is your name really Kandie?
Nope. My name is not Kandie and it's no anything like Kandie, other than also being five letter name (edit: I've been spelling Kandie in my head with a Y, Thus making it a 5 letter name. Oops. Oh well, math and numbers are not my strong suit). It's not really uncommon but you don't hear it everyday. People have a hard time remembering/being able to pronounce it. It is a Russian name so that probably is why. I chose Kandie as sometimes I want to be as dumb and always wished I was as hot as the Kandie character from Two and a Half Men.

Have you been diagnosed with an ED?
No. My therapist does not believe in diagnoses, but I have told him a bit about my ED. He focuses exclusively on what I feel comfortable sharing, and since I don't want to talk about it, we don't deal with it.

So why are you in therapy?
I'm in therapy because I spent an afternoon hacking up my arm with a razor blade and don't remember doing it. I was on anti-depressants at the time, and since I couldn't hide what I had done, I had to go to my doctor. I got an emergency referral  to therapy for SI and Severe Clinical Depression. I also have OCD, suffer some type of dissociative disorder and pretty much everyone thinks I'm Bipolar (too the point that people I know who are BP think I am). Some days I don't want a label, but other days I really would like to know what I'm dealing with.

What is your average food day like?
On a typical day I eat around 900 calories. That's when I stop trying to control my intake. I just eat around that naturally. When I restrict I like to keep it around 400 but typically average 750. When I go through a B/P phase it can be anywhere from 200-3000+ a day.

Are you Pro-Ana?
Do I believe that EDs are a choice or a lifestyle? Fuck no. I think people who think they are a choice are A) in denial and/or B)have issues of their own.

I do not believe in forced recovery. I believe in having the choice, and the right, to choose to stay sick. Therapy has taught me to be able to set my own boundaries. I choose to not get better. I'm not ready to get better. Trying to force me to get better will not work. In fact, knowing my personality, I would get sicker just to spite them.

I fully support those who choose recovery. I fully support those who wish to remain sick. I support those who don't know what they want. I also believe that I have the right to discuss my issues, share my successes, my failures, my triumphs, and my tragedies with others. I don't believe that someone reading what I do everyday will cause someone to get an ED. That's not how windmills work! *cough* I'm all about the Eating Disorder Reality.

Why esoteric thin?
I like the word esoteric. That's pretty much my reasoning behind the blogs name. Deep huh?

I'm also addicted to thinspiration pictures. Like this one which is keeping me from majorly binging right now:

I just can't seem to stop myself

I made a family size meal of fajitas tonight. I ate it all and threw it up. I was so fucking excited that my roommate was going out. It was like a switch. Instead of saving it in the calorie counted portions to eat over the next few days I was like "FREE PURGE TIME!" and just went apeshit on it.

It was disgusting. Especially disgusting because I couldn't purge at work today (and I tried god dammit) and there wasn't anything in my system for my laxatives to work that I felt like a failure all day long.

I had forgotten my food journal at my apt when I went to my Dad's house last night and so I couldn't write down what I was eating so I just went all "Fuck it! Bulimia time nao!" I'm so gross. Which is why I'm so fat.

I'm too scared to look at the scale today.

Bulimia thy name is Kandie

Bulimia seems to be the fact of life for me lately. I was trying not to purge today because I've been having some nasty ED symptoms lately. My hair has been falling out in clumps, my nail beds are blue, I'm dizzy a lot, and I've been having horrible headaches. Still not getting the ultimate side effect: weight loss, and probably won't until I stop being gross and just restrict instead of eating semi normally and purging. Going back to the plan I was doing before I left for New York. I just keep putting off my start date, but yeah, tomorrow it's back to the plan. I can't keep being this way. I need to see the numbers going down.

University starts up next month. I'm only in for two classes this semester, two days a week, but I'm defiantly going to join the gym and this year actually go. I joined it last year but never went. I'm also looking at possibly taking a belly dancing or pole dancing class. Possibly with a friend. Just depends on the time and how much. Should get off my fat ass an research that.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to make it. If I'm ever going to be thin.

Back from vacation, I gained 5lbs. I fight with my boyfriend and I binge binge binge for 4 days, and today I spend it binging and purging (several different ways).

And I'm still fat. Fatty McFatterson. It's getting to the point that every time I take food out to eat I start calling myself fat out loud. Luckily I haven't done it in front of others yet, but it's been close.

It just seems so pointless. I'm never going to be thin. I'm doomed to be a fat pathetic nobody for the rest of my life. Which is an overwhelming thought in and of itself. The rest of my life. It seems so long and so short at the same time.

Life seems like a really long time to spend poised over the porcelain god.

Update from New York City!

Well I'm on vacation and I did not make my goal vacation weight. Also I decided against packing the measuring tape as I retain water for days after flying and it would just upset me.

Last night I took a cold shower (as the shower in my dorm room is apparently broken) as I walked around lost for about 2 hours yesterday then went to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens for another 3 or so. So I smelled pretty bad. As I was washing my thighs I thought they looked pretty thin. I've never thought that before because I have runners thighs (my mother is a runner) though I don't run (but I can sprint very fast, and kick a ball very far, if I worked on my lung capacity/chronic bronchitis I could be a marathon runner like her). Even at my low weight they are large. Now looking at them they look fat and large to me, but it's always startling to see a quick glimpse of what people probably see when they look at me.

ugh

I was back up to 123.4lbs this morning. Which just added to my lovely start of the day. I had to be up at 530 to be ready to catch and early bus this morning and I woke up at 340 and never got back to sleep.

Currently packing for New York. A part of me wants to pack my scale. How can I function without my daily weigh ins and frequent trips to the bathroom to find out if I've gotten fatter or thinner throughout the day. I'm going to bring my measuring tape, but I may need to track down a scale someplace at some point during the vacation. It will be a desperate need by the end of the week.

Fiddled around with the layout again

And I think I'm happy. Not 100% but I'm okay.

I'm having a terrible time today trying to decide what to eat. I have no food in my apt right now as I'm going on vacation so that means I need to walk the 5 minutes to the grocery store if I want anything. I ended up not eating with the boyfriend last night (as we both fell asleep after watching Star Wars) so I don't feel guilty, but it's the decision making that is getting to me. I might wander around the store until I find something that calls to me, but that seems dangerous. I've had 250 calories today and I don't really feel hungry but I know I need to eat some more or my metabolism will die. Decisions, decisions.

Oh, and while watching Star Wars I noticed that you can see Harrison Ford's rib bones on his upper chest during the whole film. It was very distracting.

Two posts? One day? Wha.....

Cause it's my blog and I feel like it.

Lately I've noticed my thoughts have become more shallow and vain. True I did have a major breakdown in therapy and told my therapist how I constantly thought of death and suicide and since then my brain has been doing everything in its power so it doesn't think that way (I believe so I can convince myself that I'm not really fucked up, I am just being dramatic) and thus I have gone all dumb vain blond on myself. And I can insult blonds, because I am one.

I went to the mall today and several times I found myself marveling about how fat people who annoyed me are (people who butted in front of me, stopped walking suddenly, talked to loud near me, etc) or how ugly they were, or how badly dressed they were, or how unkempt they were. I don't enjoy being that person. It's disturbing, and part of me wonders how much I honestly think that way and how much is just me trying to avoid thinking about the things that upset me. It got worse after I ordered some fries and then had a subsequent mental freak out about eating, and then about eating in public, and then about eating in public alone. Not to mention my hour wait for a bus that is supposed to come every 30 minutes but grabing another bus (a bunch of concerts and a bridge closure and other festivals has the buses running very very late according to the bus driver of the bus I did catch). At the bus stop where these two fat white trash moms who let their toddlers run around annoying everyone while screaming, and then they'd shriek at their kids to come back but not actually get them every 3 minutes or so. I wanted to bus the moms into traffic. Control your fucking kids. And sweatpants are not meant to be worn as everyday clothes. And yelling at your infant that he spit up in the wrong direction is not helpful. I hate people.

Whoa! Holy massive wall of text that kinda just goes in a completely opposite direction from where is started Batman. Anywho, I'm avoiding eating until the roommate gets home tonight, then off to the boyfriends for the night, but hes not off till 11 so no rush for me to get ready. I bet he'll want to make a food run at 2am, as usual. Gotta save calories for that.

Gotta remember that I can't look like that^ with 2 am snacking on french fries and regular pop.

I've been fucking around with layout options. I actually haven't coded anything in years but I will probably have to relearn as I want to have this blog looking how I want it, and I can't seem to do that with existing options.

I can't recognize healthy thin and too thin anymore. I was watching a TV show with my boyfriend the other night and pointed out that they did not dress the main actress in the most flattering outfits because she is very broad shouldered and has bigger upper arms. He agreed but pointed out that she was in very good shape, not like the overly thin actress who was in the episode. See I even thought the other actress was a bit big, but bit my tongue.

Speaking of arms, I still have the bat signal. My roommate/best friend (who will be referred to interchangeably) thinks I'm crazy. I have even raised my arms and showed her the old woman jiggle and even sang the batman theme (which I admit I sing a lot so it's not that strange). She can't see it. I kinda think shes the crazy one.

Ate a cinnamon bun (non iced) that she made last night. She made them vegan and I generally can't say no when she does that. But even with that and my period deciding to start I somehow still lost. 123.4lbs. I desperately want this womanly curse to just go away so I can know my real weight. Period days feel like I'm in a strange sort of limbo. I can't trust the weight but I can't slack and not weigh myself.

But the above weight also means I'm only 3.4lbs away from my next goal. Which is so close I can taste it (pun intended). I need to get there by wednesday when I leave for a vacation in New York City. I can't believe I'm going there this fat, but I am. Hopefully I won't look like the tub of lard I feel like.

First Post

I think I'm fat. But logically I know I'm not. But I look it. To myself. So I do stuff about it.

What kind of stuff? All kinds of fun(not!) stuff. Like restrict my calories, throw up what I do it, take laxatives, diruetics, diet pills, pep pills, cold medications, anything to make my day go better, to get me more energy to loose weight so I can keep on trucking towards thin.

THIN.

That word has lost all meaning for me. I know I'm not thin. But I'm thinner than I was 60lbs ago. I'm thinner than most of the people around me. But I'm not thin. I only know I'm thinner than 60lbs ago because I wear a smaller size. I look the same to myself. In fact, at this weight, I think I look worse than I did 10lbs ago. It's fucked up not to reconize that I am smaller. I feel all wobbly and squishy.

I took a picture of myself the other night in my underware, it's on my cell phone, to keep me from binging. I'm desperatly trying to work through a plateau I've been stuck at forever. I need to get below the 120 mark. Right now I'm sitting at 124.8lbs. That simply won't do. No number will ever do. But especially not that number.