Saturday, August 28, 2010

Everything you didn't care to know or even bother asking...

A big Hello to my followers. I'm actually surprised anyone would want to read what I'm writing. I'm grateful for everyone of you. I really do read all your blogs, it's just sometimes I get really shy and have no idea what to say what won't make me sound idiotic. I also convince myself on a regular basis that everyone hates me so I better not say anything.

I thought I may tell you all a bit about myself. In question (that no one has asked, lol) and answer form as that is what I feel like. And I like to pretend that others would be interested enough to ask. Let me have my delusions. They are great company.

Is your name really Kandie?
Nope. My name is not Kandie and it's no anything like Kandie, other than also being five letter name (edit: I've been spelling Kandie in my head with a Y, Thus making it a 5 letter name. Oops. Oh well, math and numbers are not my strong suit). It's not really uncommon but you don't hear it everyday. People have a hard time remembering/being able to pronounce it. It is a Russian name so that probably is why. I chose Kandie as sometimes I want to be as dumb and always wished I was as hot as the Kandie character from Two and a Half Men.

Have you been diagnosed with an ED?
No. My therapist does not believe in diagnoses, but I have told him a bit about my ED. He focuses exclusively on what I feel comfortable sharing, and since I don't want to talk about it, we don't deal with it.

So why are you in therapy?
I'm in therapy because I spent an afternoon hacking up my arm with a razor blade and don't remember doing it. I was on anti-depressants at the time, and since I couldn't hide what I had done, I had to go to my doctor. I got an emergency referral  to therapy for SI and Severe Clinical Depression. I also have OCD, suffer some type of dissociative disorder and pretty much everyone thinks I'm Bipolar (too the point that people I know who are BP think I am). Some days I don't want a label, but other days I really would like to know what I'm dealing with.

What is your average food day like?
On a typical day I eat around 900 calories. That's when I stop trying to control my intake. I just eat around that naturally. When I restrict I like to keep it around 400 but typically average 750. When I go through a B/P phase it can be anywhere from 200-3000+ a day.

Are you Pro-Ana?
Do I believe that EDs are a choice or a lifestyle? Fuck no. I think people who think they are a choice are A) in denial and/or B)have issues of their own.

I do not believe in forced recovery. I believe in having the choice, and the right, to choose to stay sick. Therapy has taught me to be able to set my own boundaries. I choose to not get better. I'm not ready to get better. Trying to force me to get better will not work. In fact, knowing my personality, I would get sicker just to spite them.

I fully support those who choose recovery. I fully support those who wish to remain sick. I support those who don't know what they want. I also believe that I have the right to discuss my issues, share my successes, my failures, my triumphs, and my tragedies with others. I don't believe that someone reading what I do everyday will cause someone to get an ED. That's not how windmills work! *cough* I'm all about the Eating Disorder Reality.

Why esoteric thin?
I like the word esoteric. That's pretty much my reasoning behind the blogs name. Deep huh?

I'm also addicted to thinspiration pictures. Like this one which is keeping me from majorly binging right now:


  1. Haha, there are six letters in Kandie, not five! :) That made me smile.
    But seriously, awesome blog. I feel like I know you even more now.

  2. Thanks for sharing! Its great to know more about you.. & we don't hate you! don't feel like you need to hide all the time- comments are fun & make blogging feel more like a conversation as opposed to a monologue.

  3. I feel too shy to post comments most of the time as well, though I read the blogs I follow religiously! It's great to find out more about you and I couldn't agree more with what you said about "forced recovery".

  4. Sarah: LOL, I was spelling it in my head with a "y". I'm idiotic like that. I'm going to go edit that now.

    Almost.Skinny: my random thinking that everyone hates me is a major part of my therapy. I'm trying to move past it, but yeah, it isolates me sometimes. I do try.

    Cherry: I'm glad I'm not the only one.

  5. I didn't mean to pressure you! I completely understand- I don't even get out of bed some days, when I'm not feeling up to people seeing me. I just wanted you to know you're amongst friends x

  6. How cute are you? I am totally shy and anti-social, so, you have nothing to worry about. I do love how you say in your profile that you talk to your cat too much...I feel like we were separated at birth...loves it! Much love and happiness girly!