Lately I've noticed my thoughts have become more shallow and vain. True I did have a major breakdown in therapy and told my therapist how I constantly thought of death and suicide and since then my brain has been doing everything in its power so it doesn't think that way (I believe so I can convince myself that I'm not really fucked up, I am just being dramatic) and thus I have gone all dumb vain blond on myself. And I can insult blonds, because I am one.
I went to the mall today and several times I found myself marveling about how fat people who annoyed me are (people who butted in front of me, stopped walking suddenly, talked to loud near me, etc) or how ugly they were, or how badly dressed they were, or how unkempt they were. I don't enjoy being that person. It's disturbing, and part of me wonders how much I honestly think that way and how much is just me trying to avoid thinking about the things that upset me. It got worse after I ordered some fries and then had a subsequent mental freak out about eating, and then about eating in public, and then about eating in public alone. Not to mention my hour wait for a bus that is supposed to come every 30 minutes but grabing another bus (a bunch of concerts and a bridge closure and other festivals has the buses running very very late according to the bus driver of the bus I did catch). At the bus stop where these two fat white trash moms who let their toddlers run around annoying everyone while screaming, and then they'd shriek at their kids to come back but not actually get them every 3 minutes or so. I wanted to bus the moms into traffic. Control your fucking kids. And sweatpants are not meant to be worn as everyday clothes. And yelling at your infant that he spit up in the wrong direction is not helpful. I hate people.
Whoa! Holy massive wall of text that kinda just goes in a completely opposite direction from where is started Batman. Anywho, I'm avoiding eating until the roommate gets home tonight, then off to the boyfriends for the night, but hes not off till 11 so no rush for me to get ready. I bet he'll want to make a food run at 2am, as usual. Gotta save calories for that.
Gotta remember that I can't look like that^ with 2 am snacking on french fries and regular pop.
I've been fucking around with layout options. I actually haven't coded anything in years but I will probably have to relearn as I want to have this blog looking how I want it, and I can't seem to do that with existing options.
I know how you feel. I always find myself looking at fat people with disgust. It makes me feel guilty, but it's just how it is.
ReplyDeleteI feel particularily bad about it because I was once legitmatly FAT and I feel like a hypocrite, but another part of me is like, if I can get off my fat ass you can too.
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