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Just set up my ED twitter.

https://twitter.com/#!/esotericthin

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Grumble Grumble Grumble

Three days of eating? Gain three pounds. Gotta fix that ASAP. I want to be 120lbs or under for sunday. I am taking my diet pills again. I will not eat unless I'm with someone. And only once a day. No snacks. No eating at work.

I think I'm going to start an ED twitter and tumblr. When I do I'll post the info here for people to follow.

125.4lbs

Slowly creeping down. Slowly. Slowly. Slowly.

I have my Xmas work party on Sunday night. My stomach is too big for my dress. The boyfriend offered to buy me a new dress. I still might try to find a new one, and save this dress for new years when hopefully I'm a lot smaller than I am now.

I need to break through my current plateau of 123ish pounds. I can't seem to get below it. I need to trigger myself into not giving in. I'm going to watch a bunch of ED related stuff which always seems to work. As well as just putting on the windows image viewer and watch my huge thinspo folder flick by on my screen. Never want to eat again after I do that.

New Month, New Start

Glad to report that my mania seems to be under control. I'm no longer believing that I'm immortal and that I need to attempt suicide so I can know what death is like. When mania ends you get the lovely sensation of having been completely off your rocker. Like WTF kind of thought is that? Also I got a ton of new scars. As cutting up my body made sense because it didn't look right with a pattern on it, like a zebra or a tiger. See, crazy thoughts. I'm pretty sure I just pissed off my therapist too, I was very difficult. I went from crying, to raging, to not talking, to laughing manicly over and over again. Whee fucked up ness!

So new month, new start. I'm 126lbs today. Way behind my goal to be 110lbs by Xmas. Today is also payday. Going down to the store to buy supplies for the Master Cleanse. I'm not doing the diet traditionally, as I will allow myself some nights of having a small supper (less than 400 calories), but if I can get away with not eating, I won't have anything.

I'm so far behind in university work. Damn fucking mania. Gotta get on that. Also gotta get my ass in gear today. Got a bunch of errands to run, and I must shower first.

...

I haven't been bothered to track my intake this week, but I've stayed steady at 125lbs.

I'm breaking down mentally which is why I haven't bothered tracking. I keep cutting. I know I need help but there is none for me to get, unfortunately. So I'm stuck in hell because the mental health care system here is underfunded, I'm hard to treat, and no one is quite sure what is wrong.

Stayed Steady

Really I did. Stepped on the scale this morning and was 125lbs even. So even a loss of .2lbs is better than gaining after two days of not being able to track my food. I'm not really tracking today, but eating back down. 800 calorie day planned for tomorrow.

I also skipped the gym today (as well as class). I just could not be bothered to wake up with an alarm. Slept till 1030 or so, so I'm guessing I needed it.

I've been putting off an overdue essay for 9 days now, so I guess it's time to man up and finish it. So after this is posted I'll probably do that. And watch some weight related shows to trigger me into not eating/binging. We have peanut butter in the house. That is a dangerous thing.

Sigh

Monday morning I was 129lbs. That was a blinker.

Today I was 125.2lbs. A definite improvement but still way to fucking high. Tonight is a date night with the boyfriend, we are even staying in a hotel overnight. Specially prepared supper from his work (he has to make it ahead of time for the night chef to put together, with ingredients that they had on hand so I chose a Penne Vodka). I'm trying to keep calories low today. Then last night the boyfriend was like "we should see a movie tomorrow night too" FML. That means popcorn. And I have a hard time resisting popcorn. But hopefully one day of a higher intake won't fuck me up too much.

Today is D-Day

Weigh in this morning: 127.4lbs (I somehow gained 3lbs overnight, fml)

Plan: 4 day rotation of calories, exercise minimum 3 days a week, must do one household chore per day.

Goal: Week 1 to get under 122lbs. Seems reasonable enough.

I cringe sharing that number with all of you. I'm literally disgusted with myself. I'm digging back out my diet pills. Fuck if they give me another ulcer. I can't seem to do this on willpower alone right now.

I decided to make a goal for Xmas time: 110lbs. If I stick to it (and really don't fall off track) I will get there. I know I can. I can't take being this big. I won't start another year being this big.

ordinary is just not good enough today

Back to work today. First time since last Sunday. Ugh, I'm going to hate next weeks pay cheque.

I've been doing okay food wise. Not the best because I haven't been writing down my calories, only keeping track in my head. I need to log to really do well, and my plan is to start on Monday. Same with the exercise. I'm worried because my bronchitis is really bad so I know I won't be able to run, but I hope to get some cardio in.

I need a plan

Yes a plan. But I have no idea what to do. I can't over restrict (less than 600 a day I say) because I live with my boyfriend and that makes life hard. Hmmmm what to do. I think I will do something like this:

Day 1: 1200
Day 2: 1000
Day 3: 800
Day 4: 600

And keep repeating. I will allow myself to switch calorie days if something important eating wise comes up. Eventually I'd like to drop the 1200 calorie days, but right now I think I need them. Today is Day 1. No more excuses.

Ugh I really need to clean my apartment, it's way messy. If I do that it will defiantly burn some calories. I haven't cleaned the bathroom in over a month. I like to do it at least once a week (ideally 2-3 times) because you can't get clean in a dirty bathroom. That may take an hour or two now to get it perfect. I also need to walk down to the store for diet Pepsi. Whee little bit of exercise. I don't think I'll get to the gym tomorrow (two assignments due, and I know I won't get them done today) but Friday I will defiantly go back.

I'm still horrifically sick but have no choice but to go to classes tomorrow, which sucks. But I can't miss tomorrow because of a group project and I've now missed two english classes in a row. And that is a class I have to pass in an assignment for too. I hope to be feeling better.

Wow I didn't mean to disappear.

Really I didn't. Went a bit manic, got busy with school work. I'm running myself into the ground. Gained 10lbs. Fuck. It's slowly coming off over the past few days. Still way to high. I have been skipping the gym which I need to stop doing. Even the boyfriend told me I'm happier when I get to exercise. But that won't happen today. I'm sick! With a nasty cold. Skipping university even. Which annoys me to no end, but I know I'll just be miserable and wanting to cry and come home the whole time. Better to be miserable on my couch watching TV.

I will be thin. Gotta remember that.

Thanksgiving...

went well. I did the cooking, others cleaned. I didn't make enough for leftovers/more than one helping for me so it all worked out.

Then on Tuesday I was taken off my meds. So my body is none too happy right now. I'm binging. And retaining water, so I've only gained. Gain, gain, gain seems to be my body's mantra. I am also feeling slightly unstable from it all so I'm unsure what I'm going to do.

Going to bleach and dye my hair back to something close to my natural colour today. It's currently a dark brown with a copper red over top. I'm naturally an ash blond. My hair is going to hate me, but I am trying to grow out my natural colour and I can't stand having such visible roots.

So yeah, just feeling really low. I'm not going to weigh for a few days to avoid that constant sense of disappointment.

Sunday is offical weigh in day...

...and I weigh the same as yesterday 120.6lbs. SO FUCKING CLOSE TO BEING UNDER 120 AGAIN. AH. So frustrated. Tomorrow I'm having my Thanksgiving meal so I'm worried I'm going to fuck up all my slow, so frustrating slow, progress. I hope not to be up more than 1lb Tuesday. *crosses fingers*

And some inspiration for the coming week:

I need a new set of scales

Seriously I do. Any recommendations? I will need to save up for them, but I would like a reliable set. Mine have never been reliable (they are weight watcher scales).

I've b/ped twice tonight (so far). I hope that I stay there. Not much else to report. Been hovering in the same 1lb radius since I overate a bit the past few days. I hope to be down 3lbs by next Thursday. I believe I can do it. I know I can do it. Anything less is unacceptable.

I don't really have anything else to add. Feeling bad for neglecting blogger, but my focus is totally skewered lately (damn probable bipolar disorder). I have been reading blogs, but not commenting because nothing I type actually makes sense when I re-read it. But I am reading and thinking of you all.

Finally

I'm down to 121.4lbs. And have consistently lost over the past week. Which is amazing. Still way to fat but there you go.

Sorry I haven't been around, I just haven't had the time to get onto blogger/university and work take up all of my time. I called in sick today (crazy is a kind of sick, my meds don't seem to be working) so I'm avoiding doing school work (so much reading due tomorrow, I have to finish reading the Maltese Falcon, plus 2 chapters for human evolution, and 4 articles for Women and Health, fun).

I've been exercising 3 days a week, and trying to add in a fourth. And I've lost an inch off my waist. Yay. Again, still way to large, which is why I'm not posting the number. My goal waist is 22" though.

And now, some thinspo, to keep me going: