Thursday, February 2, 2012

Time to tell all

On Jan 19th I tried to kill myself. I overdosed on multiple drugs. I was unconscious for two days. They also found that I have viral pneumonia and had a collapsed lung. I was intubated and restrained. They wanted to keep me in the psych ward but I refused as it meant having to stay in ICU for a few more days till a bed freed up, and I couldn't handle that (I was not sleeping or eating. I also didn't watch TV, talk to anyone, read, text, go online. I literally just laid there all day long). My father and partner agreed. I've been staying at my Dads house and my Mom came to help.

Everyday I wake up and wish it was dead. I am sick of the pity, the determination to get me better. I have been screaming for help and I have not gotten it. I feel as if I will never get what I really need. I can't live a life like this. And fuck, the guilt. I hurt my loved ones badly, and I will never ever forgive myself for that.

On the plus side I lost 10lbs in the hospital.
Posted by Kandie at 11:46 AM

10 comments:

  1. AnonymousFebruary 2, 2012 at 1:07 PM

    I'm glad you are okay. I hope you can find the help you need to live a happy productive life. You have family support. Don't give up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. KandieFebruary 7, 2012 at 12:43 PM

      Thank you. I still don't have the will to live, but I'm not acitvely suicidal anymore, which is a step in the right direction.

      Delete
  2. loveylouFebruary 2, 2012 at 3:15 PM

    I really really hope you find what you've been looking for love... don't give up, please.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. KandieFebruary 7, 2012 at 12:43 PM

      Thank you. I'm not even sure what I need to get better.

      Delete
  3. Depressed Skinny Mess.February 2, 2012 at 4:41 PM

    I'm so happy your still alive <3 Please don't give up, we are all here for you, always. xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. tracyFebruary 2, 2012 at 9:36 PM

    i wish i had the right words to know what to say. i am so very sorry and am very, very happy to know that you are still with us. i have done the very same thing....more times than i would ever admit.Woken up in restraints and with a nose tube.....so awful.....

    Please, please stay with us. i honestly know how much the pain can be overwhelming.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. KandieFebruary 7, 2012 at 12:47 PM

      Thank you. I'm not even sure what the words I would want to hear from anybody would be.

      Delete
  5. thisismeskinnyFebruary 3, 2012 at 10:38 PM

    Please seek help. You are too beautiful and smart to die.
    Just remember how much pain you caused or may have to your family and friends.
    We're here for you.
    <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. KandieFebruary 7, 2012 at 12:50 PM

      Thank you. I have been trying for over a year to seek help. I have been told to my face that there is nothing wrong with me but low self-esteem. This was after I told them about my self-harm, my suicidal idealations, delusions, hallucintions. I even told them about my eating disorder. That experience has harmed me so much. I don't trust that anyone will help me (even though my doctor and therapist have desperatly been trying to find someone what can help). I think the most damaging thing that can be said to a mentally unwell person is that there is nothing wrong with them. And because of what happened I was forced to go back to the same organization that said that.

      Delete

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