I'm back,

And wearing fabulous ankle boots. My mom gave me money for some clothes for Xmas, and I decided I needed new shoes like it was nobodies business. I'm going to wear them tomorrow for New Years Eve. I may even be brave and post a picture of me wearing them. I'm currently sitting in my apartment wearing them. I also bought myself a new bra (which is good, as now I have two that fit me). Still have some money left over.

Xmas was okay. Ate a lot of carbs, as that was pretty much all that was available to me. And stress=binging on carbs for me. And it was stressful. I find it odd that when other people take pictures of me I look thin, but on my camera I look really fat.

I also decided that I'm going to be taking Hot Yoga classes. There is a studio here that you can get a pass and go to whatever session suits your time frame/schedule which works great for me. I had looked into dance classes and whatnot, but my schedule is so screwy I couldn't find one that worked for me. I lucked out too, as today my Dad bought me a yoga mat (so $30 I didn't have to spend, or $2 to rent one each class).

I'm still thinking on a diet plan for January, but I have another day to think about it.

I've been reading everyones blogs, I have so much to catch up on! You all write so much.

I'm Alive!

Functioning at least. Seemed to have regained the weight I've lost for my Xmas Goal. Time to turn that around.

I probably won't be on blogger till around the 29th. My Mom is arriving tomorrow, then the next day me and the boyfriend and her are going to visit the family. Where there is little/no internet access. And since the BF and family will be around 24/7 I wouldn't go on blogger anyways. Don't want to get caught and all that jazz.

I hope everyone makes it through the rest of the holiday season without too much stress.

Much love,
<3 Kandie.

busy failure

I'm alive. Barely. Binging and purging seem to be my life now, outside of work. I even have b/p with my boyfriend right there, lying about feeling sick to my stomach.

Part of me wants to get caught so I can stop this cycle. The other part of me is terrified of anyone knowing. It's giving me nightmares. I can barely focus.

I'm gaining from the binging. Not doing enough purging I guess. I need to stop this cycle. I'm unsure of how.

still no news on the lost ipod front

But I have managed to keep the weight off. Weighed in at 117.4lbs this morning. Only a 0.4lb loss from yesterday, but it didn't go up like I expected it too.

I've also finally managed to wash my bedclothes. Something that needed to be done about a month and a half ago. Go me.

I'm going out tonight for the boyfriends birthday supper. We are going to a place were you make your own stir fry (at least that's where we were going last time I asked him) so that shouldn't be too bad.

Ugh, I'm really worried I'm going to plateau like right now. I just need the scale to say a smaller number than what it is right now. OH! Last night I had a dream that my scale was malfunctioning and showing me my weight in Egyptian hieroglyphics. LOL. It was pretty funny when I woke up, but it annoyed the crap out of me in my dream. Serves me right to read archeology magazines before I go to bed.

ugh ugh ugh

I have most defiantly lost my fucking ipod. Which is making me rage. I want to cry and smash things all at once. Earlier I though I lost my keys. With my ipod being gone I almost had a complete mental breakdown in the entrance way to my building. Luckily I found my keys. I can keep my tenuous grasp on my sanity for a little bit longer.

I expect to gain tomorrow. I donated blood yesterday and though my fluids shouldn't be affected too much (and it apparently burns 650 cals) I still think my weight this am was wrong. Speaking of weight, I haven't decided if I'm going to continue on the SGD seeing how this past week has completely thrown me off of it. I think I'll think on it a bit longer. I still have my goal of 112lbs by Xmas.

Bulimia seems to be back full force. Which sucks. I just adore having a slight hint of vomit around myself.

I'm also thinking of switching to my real name on here. I'm going to think on that a bit too, seeing as it could just be a passing fancy.

Woke up

And was 117.8lbs!

Hopefully this trend continues.

I'm not having the best day...

...emotionally that is. I've been on the verge of smashing things then breaking down in tears for no reason. Now that my essay is done my brain is shifting it's attempts to not let me get shit done. I had a emotional therapy session last week, not tears and stuff, but of the fact that I may need to be accessed to see if I'm clinically psychotic. And that has been messing with my head. Because the label is so negative my brain has done what it does best, loosing its ability to focus, and thus me becoming almost inept at life.

Officially weighed in at 120.0lbs. Somehow. Even with my binging. I've taken to purging in the shower, which is dangerous since I slowed up the bathroom sink from puring in it, and our shower drain is super slow. Gotta buy some draino, even if me and the roommate are morally opposed to it. Just nothing we have tried has cleared it up.

Drive By Update

I haven't been allowing myself on blogger because I'm still not done my essay. I just wanted to say I miss you all. And I am staying up all night tonight till I finish it. Because I need to get this done. Since I've been stressing over my essay I've been binging, though I seem to maintaining my weight, which is the best I can hope for weigh in day tomorrow.

Here's to a proper update tomorrow.

What a day it's been...

...full of binging and a little bit of purging. Go me.

I shouldn't act so surprised, I knew it would happen today. Too many assignments. I binge when I have one assignment due, let alone three.

I have two done, and I've been on the internet fucking around for 3 hours avoiding doing my essay. God dammit focus. Get your fat sluggish ass in gear and do the fucking work! I kinda want to rip my flesh off right now.

Offically Back to GW1

Which is kinda a good/bad thing. I was less then this a few months ago, but I've been yo-yoing up and down but never hit 120. So it kinda feels like I'm not failing so hard as I have been.

I've been having some caffeine withdrawal headaches, since I've again been cutting back on drinking pop. I didn't have any yesterday till about 9pm when I went to the movies (HP7) and it was glorious. I only bought a small as I didn't want to chug a whole bunch and have to pee part way through the movie. Which I refuse to do 9 times out of 10 so I spend like a hour every movie thinking about how badly I need to pee. But not last night, score!

I was checking out my body today in the mirror (like I'm prone to do), and my spine is getting really visible. My ribs are starting to make a mini appearance, they are not there when I'm standing straight, but if I move in anyway there they are. The pros of having a large rib cage. I'm not really large framed (but I'm not small either because of my ribcage, which is what my doctor has told me, which means by default I'm medium framed) but a con because I know the boyfriend will say something sooner rather than later.

I have a few assignments due for Tuesday, plus working Tuesday for most of the day, as well as Wednesday, then an in class exam on Thursday, so I may not be able to update until after then. If I can update it will probably be tomorrow night (while procrastinating) and maybe Wednesday if I don't spend the night at the boyfriends (simply because he doesn't help the studying process as much as he thinks he does).

Still going...

Updated my SGD page. Binged yesterday but burned most of it off dancing.

I've lost a bit (down to 120.4lbs today) so I'm hoping a bit more comes off for official weigh in day tomorrow. Also since my period started a day early (my body likes to fuck with me in little ways) so hopefully my starting weight was a bit high due to water weight, and when it's done I'll be a bit less.

The boyfriends birthday is coming up, and I'm going to make him a cake. Hopefully I can get away with only eating a little piece. Then I have to take him out for supper. He'll probably pick sushi which isn't so bad.

I hope all you Americans made it through Thanksgiving all right. Another month and the holiday season is over. I don't get why this time of year has to be all about food.

Day 1

Is going okay. I'm not used to not counting my calories from fruit and veggies, so I am, but I'm subtracting them from the SGD daily totals. I'm also limiting myself to being only 200cals over with them. I also added a page to keep track of my totals and whatnot.

One more week then university is out until January. I have one exam, but I'm not too worried about it. But I need to get off my ass and get into the financial services office and get my loan application sent away. I also need to meet with my academic advisor. I need to find out if I can graduate after next year.

I have 2 big things, and 1 small thing due on Tuesday. I hope to avoid binging at all cost.

This is a very discombobulated post. I feel that way today.

And the FailBoat Continues

Binged last night, oh well. Things happen. Tomorrow is a new day. And all that crap.

Doesn't matter since my period is due to start on Saturday, and I'm already starting to retain water, and can't get an accurate weight. Le Fucking Hell.

Trying to decide what to do for Xmas. The Boyfriend and I are going with my Mom to visit my Grandma, and all my aunts and other family members will be there. Which means there will be much food. Luckily it's only for 5 days, and for like 3 of those days Restaurants are typically closed. I wasn't allowed to have my nontraditional Xmas feast last year (I want to start eating Chinese food on Xmas, since I'm not religious, and hold no real sentiment for traditional Xmas foods), and I hope I can this year. I think it's stupid to have to make myself a mock turkey and my own sides when that isn't what I want to eat.

I'm going to do my own thing, fuck what Mom says this year. No Step dad to get up in arms over the fact that I'm not Christian and not participating in the traditions of the year. I like little traditions, Mom and I watching A Charlie Brown Christmas while decorating, Dad and I watching Trekmas (the Space channel plays Star Trek all day on Xmas Day) all day long. When at my Aunt L's house watching my mothers family's old home movies from the 60s and 70s. Watching all the different versions of a Christmas Carol (the best being the Muppet version).

Since I'm poor, and the boyfriend is poor, I'm going to make vegan cookies for my aunts and Grandma (and my mom) but still get a few things for Mom and Grandma too.

But first, I need to get to 112lbs. I think I need a new plan. Starting tomorrow I'm doing the Skinny Girl Diet.

Well I failed at the Russian Gymnast Diet today but...

My grand calorie total is 321 cals (and that is with over estimation). The boyfriend was over last night, and we got some Green Onion cakes for lunch which are 120 cals for 6, so it wasn't too terrible. I roasted up some veggies for supper tonight since I know having not started the day with the RGD I wouldn't be satisfied with my supper.

Tomorrow is going to be busier than I expected. I work at 4 not 6, but I'm hoping to not add in extra protein since today I didn't follow my plan. Also the Boyfriend and I both have Wednesday off so we may end up going out for supper. I'm going to try to get away with only eating that, though I may take a banana and an apple with me to eat if he orders pizza at 2am like he usually does.

Going to go for a walk tonight. Hopefully for an hour. Even though it's fucking freezing out. According to the Weather Network it is exactly freezing. And they are calling for snow tonight. NOOOO! Though I have already warned my boyfriend and roommate that I'm going to start wearing tights under all my clothes, as I'm always cold now (I've always been slightly cold, due to poor circulation, but restriction makes it so much worse). Both think it's a great idea. My Dad even "joked" about getting me thermal underwear.

UGH

Apparently I'm exactly the same weight this Sunday as I was last Sunday. FUCK.

Though this week has been a nice transition down to lower cals from fruit and veggies than from the quick junk I've been eating. So I'm hoping that most of the days this week to stick to the Russian Gymnast diet. No classes or work tomorrow so that's easy. Tuesday I have classes and Work till 11 (so going to be at the boyfriends that night) so going to add in a veggie burger or some other simple protein (around 100-150 cals). Wednesday I'm off, Thursday classes no work, but going to my Dads overnight, so an extra snack in the evening, Friday I work 8-2, so may need to eat something in the AM (toast). Saturday work 10-5, so going to need to add a protein again. Hopefully that will be good enough to finally fuck LOOSE SOME WEIGHT. UGH. FAT ASS.

I hope everyone else is doing well.

It's kinda sad...

That when I actually have a day off my first instinct is "YAY! Now I can pee out my ass for a few hours and not worry about it!" :| Drank a laxative tea last night, and as an added measure took a laxative. I forced myself to stop at one. Then this morning did the salt water flush.

I'm currently making myself some roasted veggies, using up most of what I had in the fridge before it all goes off. Though I didn't get to the red pepper in time. This 9 inch pan full with oil and balsamic vinegar comes to 302 cals, and is enough to last me all day. I may have a clementine or two later tonight but that is only if I need it.

The BF left part of a 710ml of regular Pepsi, and yeah I'm drinking it. Liquid calories, but I need the caffeine, and have no diet left in the house. Which is why I'm going to stick to just the roasted veggies today too.

A few inches of breathing room

First, God I want that stomach. That body.


Second, I have nothing to do tomorrow! Nothing that needs to be done tomorrow. This is amazing. It literally hasn't happened in months. I think I may go to financial services at school tomorrow for my student loan, but I don't have too. I'm so freaking excited that its sad.

Been doing okay eating wise, defiantly not perfect. As I haven't lost any, but I haven't gained either. I think tomorrow I'll do a salt water flush, and get some exercise in. The world is my oyster.

Gods I'm lame. But hey, I'm happy with my lameness. I need to locate a $300 cheque from my mother that she sent me last month. So I guess I have to go looking for it. It's somewhere in my apartment. Which I need to clean anyways since the broiler went in our oven and I need to get the landlord in to fix it. And while it's not outwardly filthy everything is covered in a fine layer of grime.

A non productive day

And it has been glorious. Well I can't say it was totally unproductive. I went to school to get a reserve out of the library that I need for an assignment due Thursday, and ran into two of my three group members for the other project due in that class next week (both assignments together total 50% of my mark, eek). So I got the reading, and had an impromptu meeting which got a few things straightened out. I was going to go to financial services to get my loan application filled out but I didn't feel up to meeting new people. I'll probably go on Friday since I don't work, and I need to get library books out for an essay I have due next week too.

I modified my food today (switched out a few things) but ate around 650 cals (I had a handful of chips that I'm overestimating to be 100 cals). I know that if I was staying home tonight I would be fine, but alas I'm going to the boyfriends and I'm tempted by horrible greasy food. If I do binge I'm going to try to keep it under 300cals, and since tomorrow is busy (classes, then a work meeting) I probably won't get a chance to eat half as much as today. I also did my floor exercises and heading to the boyfriends involves about a half hour of walking, and I'll do some more floor exercises before I leave tonight.

I finally got around to cleaning my room yesterday. It's so nice to see floor. I also have a garbage bag full of garbage to throw out. And another one full of clothes that are just too big and I can't justify keeping and taking up space small in my tiny room (it's so small I don't have  a dresser, I got a second rod in my closet, some baskets, and I used an old desk with 3 draws as a side table/desk/more clothes storage). Around June next year I should be moving in with my boyfriend (that is when his lease is up, I'm on month to month starting in Jan, and my roommate is going to grad school in another province next September, and may WOOF again next summer (she did it for 5 months last year, all in the UK, this time she wants to do some in Germany and France) and if she does that, we can move in together in June instead of September.) We've been talking about what we want to rent/the location. Part of me wants to tell him we need 2 bedrooms so I can have the second one as a walk in closet. :D

My cat is sleeping next to me right now (and I think she may have sat on my lap if my laptop was not already there, since several times in the past day she has tried to walk on it, also Molly hardly ever sits on someones lap so shes being very sooky right now). My apartment feels a lot let lonely when shes here. Even when my roommate is home I don't like not having the cat here. It makes me so depressed. I once went to a psychic who said I'd never really live alone as I'll always need to have pets around to really make it feel like a home, and he's right.

Time to focus

Tomorrow I start a warm up to the Russian gymnast diet. I'm using that diet as a base, but easing myself into it. I was going to start today but had some major stress with my laptop dying (its gone, wont take any power, thankfully the hard drive should be intact and I should be able to recover my files, pictures is all I want to save). I plan on doing something similar to this for the next week, with the intention of starting the actual diet some time on the weekend. Depending on whether or not the boyfriend plans a date night (since its been a few weeks, and hes jonesing for some sushi!) I should be able to stick to this for the next week. I'm actually only working a few days this week so I have time to actually buckle down.

Plan for tomorrow:
Breakfast: 1 cup of juice + bran bites
Lunch: cucumber + clemintines + red pepper + almond milk
Supper: mushrooms + onions + tofurky slices (up to 5) + juice
If I need a snack: first have a class of water. Then some diet Pepsi. If still needed at least 20 minutes after the craving started, have some cereal, up to a half cup.

Weight today was 121.6lbs Yuck. Also a long time ago I said I'd post a picture of myself when I reach 114lbs, and I intend to stick to that. I'm also planning on taking part in Amy's before and after challenge next month and I need to loose some more for it actually to be worth anyones while to look at a before and after of me. My upper body has thinned out but fuck my gut is disgusting.

I also need to work exercise back into my life. Going to make sure I do some floor exercises every morning and evening (so I'm cleaning my room to make sure I can have access to the floor to do said floor exercises). And try to add in an extra 1/2 hour of exercise at least 3 times a week. And I'm going to fucking going to stick to it or I don't know what I'll do to myself.

I love statutory holidays

Except that I'm using this one to do school work. I'm at my Dads actually, since I work better here. And yesterday was his birthday. And my cat is here (and is currently rubbing herself all over my feet wanting attention. Sook).

I've been doing okay weight wise. Dads scale says I weigh just under 120lbs, but I don't trust it as much as my own. It's an analog too so that irks me. I like having the point of the lb told to me.

I've been trying to front load the calories I do eat. That way with my running around I will be more likely to burn them off. I'm also going to have to start better budgeting my food, which means less carby junk and more veggies and fruits. I'm probably going to start only allowing myself carbs every second day, maybe with the exception of a bit of rice if I really need it.

I still plan on doing the Russian Gymnast Diet, maybe even starting next week. For those who may not know the diet is:

Breakfast: Glass of either orange or apple juice
Lunch: Fruit Salad (made off kiwi fruit, orange, pineapple, and peeled apples), Glass of fruit juice (from one of the above fruits)
Dinner: Glass of non carbonated water*, Green apple


In all honesty I'll probably modify the fruit, since I don't like pineapple or kiwi and only like oranges sometimes, but I'll probably try to keep it similar. Also I plan on doing this as my average daily diet with days where say I need more calories (exams, long work days, projects due) and date days with the boyfriend as days off. So I may end up doing the diet for two or three days then having an off day, or maybe two, then back on it. I'm saying this now so I don't get pissed off at myself for breaking the plan.
 
Also I want to say welcome to all my new followers. It's been awhile since I have. I can't believe 74 people are even interested in reading this. I love following my followers blogs, but sometimes I miss them, or blogger is being a bitch and says you don't have a blog, only when I check again you do and you've had it since before I checked. Just let me know if you want me to follow you and I'm not and I will. I haven't been the best follower/commenter lately but I promise I do read everything, and I am trying to comment more again.

This is starting to wear me out

...the constant on the go ness. I just want a few days to sit around and relax. I can't wait till December. I'll have a few days a week to relax a bit more, with classes being done. I feel horrible that I haven't really been here for anyone. Also half the time I come on to post I end up having to run out the door. Plus I was just able to look at my bank account and my job didn't pay me last week. Gotta deal with that tomorrow on top of everything else. Thursday is a statutory holiday so I can't wait to do jack shit. Well I'll use the time to do assignments, which I desperately need to tackle.

Official weigh in at 122.4lbs. Le Sigh. I haven't been eating much but everything I eat is high calorie crap. It's time to buckle down. Next week I will be at 119 or under. No more excuses. I can't live at this weight.

Her body is to die for. If I could have any, I think I'd like hers. Though I generally prefer bones sticking out, I think I could be happy if I looked like that.

OMG

Tonight will be the first night I'm actually sleeping in my bed since last Sunday, over a week ago. I've been working so much this past week I should actually have some money come mid month.

I've been up and down with my eating because of how busy I have been but yesterday my Dads scale weighed me in at 120lbs.

Today I've had:
2 rice crackers 36 cals
Green Onion cakes 120cals (4/6 were purged)
Diet orange crush
Total: 156 cals

I may or may not have more. Probably something around 8 as even though right now I'm feeling stuffed, I'll probably be hungry later.

Come mid month I'm going to attempt the Russian Gymnast Diet. Possibly around the 20th. I'm going to focus on getting my intake lower over the next few weeks.

I have so many blogs to catch up on. I'll really try tonight. Though I may not get to every ones because I have to study/research for class tomorrow.

Going to be running around...

...with my hair on fire tomorrow. Work 7-12 at one job, then spending the afternoon with the boyfriend, then working 6-11 at another. I'm hoping to keep on track, though we may end up going out to grab something to eat, but I'll try my damnest to make it healthy.

So on that note I'm going to post some thinspo to remind myself of what I need to do to get what I want.

Getting Back on Track

It's so good to have time to waste on the internet today. YAY!

Also I've decided that now is really the time to get focused again. I've been cutting back on my over eating, but it hasn't totally stopped. But this morning I woke up and said enough is enough. I need to be thin more than I need to eat. It's that simple.

I've also decided that Sundays/the first day of the week I can weigh are my 'offical' weigh in days. These are the only days I will change my official current weight and count any weight loss. I will still weigh everyday as I'm addicted to knowing at every moment exactly what I weigh.

I'm going to post my food log everyday too (well at least every food log for the days that I can get online). If I post early in the day I will come back and edit it all in.

Today:
weight @ 11:55am: 123lbs
Lunch @ 12:15pm: 1 small banana 90 cals, 1 jar of baby food (strawberry) 70 cals, 1 green tea
Snack @ 3:20pm: 3 pieces Inari Sushi 310 cals
Supper @ 6:00pm: 5 veggie dumplings 192 cals, veggies mixed in vegan mayo 85ish cals
Total: 747 cals

All righty then

Midterms are over, I'm kinda getting a sense of how many hours a week I'll be working, and because I've been so busy I've been forced out of my little depressive funk. Which all means I should be back to updating and commenting. I have been reading the past few days but I never seem to a) be able to think of a decent thing to say and b)start writing a comment/blog and have to run out the door.

Food wise I'm doing okay. Eating less, but still too much. It's mostly been locally grown organic food (since that is where I shopped) and that always makes it easier to eat. But that is mostly gone now, except for the lone piece of fruit I bought that now sits on the counter mocking me. I admit I'm scared to eat fruit. All that unnecessary sugar.

I'm also finally over this fall cold that made it impossible for me to work out. I hope to get back to the gym in the next few days. It's only been, oh at least 3 weeks.

I know I know

I've been a horrible blogger/commenter lately. Spank me. I've just been so, well at first I was just in a crazy downward spiral, and now I'm super busy. To the point that I can't even think about how crazy I am.

I haven't really gained/lost. I'm hovering around the 119-121 mark, depending on how often I have taken a dump. TMI but I really fucked my system up with taking so many laxatives so I decided to not have them for a bit. It's been about 2 weeks and I'd give anything to have a nice decent shit. I might just say fuck it all and take some. I feel bloated and fatter.

I figured out that one of the pair of jeans I bought is actually a size 2. And it's the pair that fits me the best. WTF? I am not a size 2. Vanity sizing or something.

My goal right now is to focus on eating healthy foods (I got off track by eating so much junk while restricting) and now I'm eating all the time. It's disgusting the amount of food going into my mouth on a daily basis. Thankfully most has been really healthy and I'm defiantly feeling better because of the nutrients. I'm focusing on cutting out most of the crap, then slowly lowering myself back down. I may start having a jar of baby food for snacks/a meal or two, once I start really cutting down.

I live

barely. I tried updating last week (I think Thursday) but blogger was being a bitch. This is only a quick update as I really don't feel like getting into things tonight, but I thought I should pop in and say something. I failed at my fast after 4 days, due to things beyond my control. Have had a few good heart to hearts with my friend C and finally made an appointment with my therapist. I may push him to send me to get assessed for bipolar disorder since I have all the symptoms and frankly everyone I know believes I have it.

I have a lot of reading to catch up on. I hope to do it tomorrow. Tonight I have a blissful few hours to loose myself in playing God on the original Sims game. Which seems vitally important right now.

Day 3 the second

See posting again. My Dad called me today and had already been for a walk on the beach, driven out to a lookout and watched ships coming in, mowed the lawn, cleaned the shed, kinda washed the car, and probably did things like the dishes, showered, gotten dressed, vacuumed, etc that he does everyday. This was at 330. He then asked me what I did, and I was like "I got myself dressed, and I've brushed my teeth". And he said, with no hint of sarcasm, "That's good for you." It's funny and sad at the same time, it's a reminder that I don't function like normal people.

My calorie total for the day is 330cals. Heading to the boyfriends overnight, hoping he's too poor to want to order food in. I may bring the soup I made tonight with me and offer to share it. Or if we end up doing a 3 am run to the connivance store I'll get a Popsicle. He's working tomorrow (at 3) so there shouldn't be an expectation to go out for a quick meal. Here's to hoping. But I also won't get an empty weight tomorrow. I need to get the boyfriend to invest in a scale. *plots*

I hope everyone is doing well. Whether you're on the fast or just in regular life. Also hello to all my new followers. It's been a bit since I've said hello.

Day 3

I think I may have been sitting around 122lbs when I started my fast (judging by what I weighed at the end of the first day and how I average about 2lbs up by the end of a given day). That said this morning I weighed in at 119.6lbs. I only had about a fourth of a can of beer last night (We were watching a movie and I got too into it to remember that I was supposed to be drinking).

I also think I may end up posting twice today to distract myself. The urge to eat carbs is still around. I am refusing to allow myself to fuck up.

So far I've had:
1 Green Tea
1/2 cup of vegan chicken stock 5cals
3/4 cup of peach juice 75cals
Total: 80cals

Day 2

Still no official weigh in since I wasn't using my scale, though Dads read 120lbs this morning, and I got my period today.

I was going to get up early to do a salt water flush (I find for me they work between 35-45 minutes after drinking it) but the laxatives I took yesterday/last night kicked in at like 530am, so I was up shitting for like an hour, and I hadn't fallen asleep until after 1. So I went back to bed. Got up at 840, had a cup of juice then went to work.

I'm updating now since I probably won't get on blogger later today but so far I've had
Breakfast: 1 cup peach juice 100cals
Lunch: 1 cup soup 100cals
Snack: 1 green tea + 1 diet Pepsi
Total: 200cals

I'll probably have another cup of soup for supper, and may have one beer tonight with friends. I will do a salt water flush tomorrow morning though, since I have no place to go, and don't have to get up early to do it.

I forgot to mention that yesterday I went to value village to buy some jeans (since I'm cheap and can't justify paying good money for jeans that I don't want to fit me in a few months) and ended up getting two size 4s. One fits a bit snugly, but the other pair is loose. Considering the last pants (well shorts) I bought were a 6, and all the jeans I've been wearing are sizes 8-10, I'm feeling pretty good. And I was still a bit bloated last night when I bought them, so I'm hoping that will go down over the next few days.

Day 1

Went okay. I started the day at the boyfriends so I don't know what my weight is sitting at (I'm also ending it at my Dads).

At the BFs: 2 Popsicles (he insisted on getting me something because I was really upset) 120 cals + soup 100 cals

Supper: soup 190cals

Total: 410cals

I've also had a diet coke, some diet Pepsi, and a green tea today. I need to have some more water. And a laxative tea tonight, so I can do a salt water flush tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow I work so it will be some juice for breakfast, soup for lunch, and I'm apparently hanging with the roommate and our friend so we may end up drinking, so I'll probably just have some fake chicken broth around supper and drink lots of tea.

I know a few of you are also doing Hungry for Change, hope everyone is doing well. I've been craving bread all day today. I did not give in though. I know the craving will go away soon. Just gotta force myself to keep going through it. It's so much easier to say no, since I'm not just fasting alone.

All righty folks

Hungry for Change starts tomorrow! I can't wait. I've really binged out the past two days. Last night/this morning was horrible as I was writing an assignment. And by this morning meaning I've been up since 3:30am. See when I get stuck late at night when I have something due, I have to go to bed for a few hours. I went up to bed around midnight, but ended up handwriting part of the assignment in bed as I tend to do that too. Got to sleep around 1.

Yesterday my roommate came home right as I was about to get up and purge the first massive part of my binge (I had already purged once). I had a bunch of food around me and I just couldn't stop so I kept eating it. Then I went to Dads, had veggie sushi, bread, chips and salsa. My stomach has been hard and bloated since midday yesterday. I had another mini binge today.

And I still want to eat. Right now I'm having a supper of crackers and peanut butter to get some protein to get me through the first few days. I'm also having a green tea to help boost my metabolism, and a laxative tea because I'm (TMI) backed up. Took 2 diet pills, and a laxative as well. I just need to get things moving. Considering that I'm 124.8lbs as of an hour ago. I know it's just binge weight, and well, shit. Literally.

As for the fast, I'm planning on a liquids only. Soups and such are going to be allowed because of work, and the ease of just blending into life. I am going to limit it to 500cals a day. I'm hoping to go right till Oct 11th, and break it at supper time (Thanksgiving). Though sometimes Dad and I celebrate a day early, so it's all playing it by ear.

I got a job! Whoo. Well a second job. I start next Tuesday, whee orientation.

I haven't been to the gym in a week because I've had a nasty cold. I could have probably managed today but I had a few errands to run (dropping a letter off at the property managers changing the lease to month to month, getting a bus pass). I also got up off my lazy hobo ass and dyed my hair. No more 3 inches of roots. I tried to pick a colour closer to my natural, as I am trying to grow it out to a certain length so I need to stop destroying it. At least till I get it to where I want (just below my rib cage, though layered). I'm a hair dye junkie. At work people are used to seeing me one day as a red head, then I'll suddenly be blond the next. I like to not tell people what I plan on doing, just cause I get a kick out of reactions (I used to have hot pink hair, and tri coloured, so these people have pretty much seen everything). The kids also get a kick out of it.

it's the waiting that kills me

I just want Oct 1st to get here so I can start fasting.

Also I have a giant bag of tomatoes in my fridge from the boyfriends Mom. I don't like tomatoes, but I don't want them to go to waste. Decisions, decisions. I may make a pasta sauce then freeze it.

I was 120.4lbs this morning. I don't know why, I ate horribly yesterday.

I'm avoiding working on an assignment due tomorrow. I need to go over to my Dads to write it/print it off. I'm way to lazy to leave early this morning.

I think I may have a binge/purge day today. Get it out of my system. It's horrible that I plan these right? I'm fucking sick all right.

I am drugged out of my mind

...on cold medicine. The kind that keeps your pupils from dilating/responding. The kind my Jr.high teacher almost called my mother and told her I was on drugs for (my best friend intervened and told her what I was taking because my mother doesn't believe in staying home from school unless you couldn't physically get out of bed. The teacher still called my mother to tell her I was sick and should be at home). I don't think I should go to class today, but I will because I hate missing class. I haven't done the readings, but whatever, I can wing it. Kennedy era America and class training during early modern Europe are both things I know enough about that I can fake my way through it. I have this little tip: if you know the answer to something the professor asks, say it. Then they won't call on you when you have no idea and no one else does either because you obviously know the topic since you already spoke. Tis how I faked my way through homework and readings since 4th grade.

I can't wait till Friday and starting my fast. I'm thinking 3 days of the master cleanse followed by liquid fasting until Thanksgiving. Then I'll be out of Hungry for change, but may do another 4-5 days of the master cleanse. I told my Dad the plan to fast and he said he needs to fast/detox too. So no pressure to eat form him. Now I just need to worry about the boyfriend.

Still no news on the job front. Oh well. It will happen when it happens. Mom says shes going to deposit some money directly into my bank account, even though my cheque is in the mail. So I will have a bit of flex cash. My payment on my cell phone hasn't been reflected on my account so I'm worried I fucked it up somehow and lost $235. :/ I'll need to figure that out. If it hasn't shown up my tomorrow I will be trying to figure out how to contact Virgin Mobile.

....I just checked and it's cleared! Yay! Now I don't have to think.

I'm at 121.4lbs today. Fuck binging and fuck deciding to not track. I'm slowly working down my calorie counts for Friday, but I'm also trying to eat some of the food in the apartment so I don't binge on it so it's a delicate balance.

Hello Lovelies!

I'm happy to report I'm feeling much better emotionally. Except now both Dad and I have nasty fall colds. I had an interview yesterday and luckily it really didn't hit me until it was over (we were going to go to a movie last night but neither Dad nor me could stand up without swaying around and could barely focus so we postponed it). I prefer being sick around my Mom or Dad versus anyone else so I stayed the night again. Also I work tomorrow and it's just a shorter bus ride from here to work so I might as well stay.

My Dad has decided to really try to loose weight, so we are going to the grocery store so we can make some different foods for him to freeze and reheat throughout the week. He has the tendency to eat the same things or when he doesn't feel like cooking ordering a pizza. I'm determined to make him eat vegetables. This really fulfills the eating disordered foodie in me. I know I will be making him food for freezing even at my apartment.

I signed up for the October fast for Hungry For Change. I won't be able to go past the 11th since that is Canadian Thanksgiving, and I know Dad will want to do something. Even though we never end up eating everything we make, it's more about just the family time. And the cats eating about 80% of the turkey (since I'm a vegan, and Dad just finds it easier to put it on the floor instead of carving and saving it, LOL)

And as I wrote this out I got another call for an interview. The place is much closer to where I live which would be a definite bonus. I will know tomorrow night if I got the job at the first place, so I'm unsure what to do. But whatever, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

hey...

I'm sorry if I depressed anyone with my last post. I told y'all that I'm a bit dark and depressing underneath it all. I'm just in a semi-bad place emotionally right now, with the weather turning colder and I'm stressed out over money. I also know that no one was trying to make me feel bad and it was only my own self hatred coming out over an innocent comment.

Don't worry, I'm spending a few days at my Dads house to help get my head on straight. Sometimes I just need to run home to help reset my mood. I can't afford to go to therapy right now (and I'm stressing as my mother said she'd send me money for it and my cell phone bill, TWO WEEKS AGO, and it hasn't come yet. I'm doubting she sent it, even though I told her when I needed it for). I even brought my cat with me so I wouldn't feel weird and guilty about leaving her alone (though she wouldn't be alone, I have a roommate).

I haven't weighed myself in a few days, and probably won't again until Monday or Tuesday. It's just one more mental stressor that I can't afford to take on. Part of me is itching to know but I just can't bring that disappointment onto myself right now.

I have been reading all your lovely blogs, but I have no capacity to form comments, but I am trying and I am reading. Maybe in a few days I will be able to. I'm hoping.

Couldn't get online yesterday

I worked from 6:45-3:45, then went to the boyfriends, then he came over and we made food and watched TV/DVDs. So no blogger time for me.

I didn't purge yesterday and I woke up today 3lbs heavier. Screw you eating disorder. I spend one day eating 'normally' and my body decides to hold onto food like it's nobodies business.

I got a comment on my last post that I know was meant to be helpful, but it's really has bothered me. If I could keep myself from binging and purging I would. It's called having an eating disorder. Right now it's displaying itself with way more bulimic tendencies than not (in fact I believe I meet the criteria for bulimia right now). I know it is going to mess up my teeth. I know each time I lean over the toilet I could rupture my esophagus, or strain my heart into having a heart attack. I know each time I stuff myself with food I could rupture my stomach. I know that taking laxatives can damage my ability to normally poop. I know I'm ruining my body. I just can't stop. If I had control over this I would not have an eating disorder and would not find throwing up what I eat acceptable.

My eating disorder is my slow suicide. I am choosing to not get help for it, as deep down I fundamentally believe I deserve to die. And I deserve to suffer while it happens.

supermans dead

Weight @ 750am: 118.4lbs
Breakfast: 1 Peanut Butter bar 220cals + 1 green tea
Snack: 1 Laxative tea
Lunch: 1/2 veggie pita 120cals + Chocolate soy milk 150cals
Supper: Mac & Chreeze 330cals + vegan buffalo wings 150cals (purged the BW, as I ate them about 2 hours after the Mac & Chreeze)
Total: 970 cals :(

Exercise: Bike 206 cals + Treadmill 50 cals
Total: 256 cals

Net: 714cals

I would have worked out longer today but my stomach has been killing me after my lovely combination of a massive Binge/Purge last night (probably around 1500-2000 calories) and the laxatives and diet pills. So it was eithe stop exercising or puke all over the lovely equipment.

In all honesty I'm probably not done eating today. My roommate is busy in her room with loud music playing so I don't feel like she can hear me throwing up. Plus I told her I may throw up because of my stomach so even if she does catch me it's no big deal.

I just want to say a big thank you to my commenters, especially the ones who commented on my last post (Mindy, Sarah, and Harley). You guys give me so much support and I love you.